Have I overstepped here and what do I do

[AirheadMonent]

I posted about a man sending offensive videos and offensive messages to a woman along with naked pictures. It's a vulnerable person and looking like grooming as she's believing it's a relationship. I contacted the police who won't intervene because she's not complaining.

I put a post on the community Facebook page asking if anyone knows a man by the name of (and then gave his nickname). No other information than that. A woman replied saying it's her dad. She's private messaged me asking if everything is ok.

What would you do?

Then you need to put some in place, this will do more to support her in the long run than going after this man. You can’t control her relationship with him but you can control her relationship with you and ensure that you aren’t enabling and encouraging this damaging behaviour.

Oh tricky. Understandable that you are concerned for your friend but I don't think you should have posted anything on FB. As others have said if she has capacity that unfortunately includes capacity to make awful decisions. He sounds grim but what really needs to happen is your friend becomes strong enough to make different choices.

It’s unpleasant that he’s cheating on his wife, but your friend is a consenting adult. The fact that she’s intense about relationships and ‘goes into meltdown’ when things don’t work out doesn’t mean she lacks capacity to consent. She knows he is married. He isn’t deceiving her. As the police have said - no crime has been committed here. She enjoys the kind of attention he gives her. Many, many people enjoy this kind of thing. It doesn’t make either of them perverts.

This man sounds gross but I really don’t know what you expect to do about this when it’s ultimately not your business. And his bloody daughter certainly can’t do anything about it - it’s not her fault and not her problem.

I'd go with the just checking he's a real person suggestion made by PP. Because after the police told you it was not something they would intervene in due to it being consensual, you really should have left it there. Now this poor woman has been involved in something that's nothing to do with her and is clearly worried. You shouldn't make this any worse by telling her something she doesn't need to know that could be distressing for her.

Do I ignore her or do I tell her that her dad's a sick old pervert?

Well there’s two extremes. Why not go for the middle line and explain the situation like a rational person.

So she's not actually vulnerable, she's just sad. Got it.

You massively overstepped and made it sound like she's mentally deficient, or disabled. Obviously you overstepped.

She's sent money and parcels to a "doctor" in Africa. I'd call that vulnerable. She thought he was in love with her and wanted to come over to the UK. She kept talking about how much she liked him. Before that there was a man on a peacekeeping mission who wanted to marry her. More recently a "gorgeous" relative of a member of UB40 sharing shirtless pictures.

She is disabled. Or do you mean mentally? She's not that, but she's got rubbish boundaries.

I would ask the daughter for her mum's number and send the videos to her. I would want to know if my DH was doing that ...it's friggin gross

I can't do that. I'd have to get the friend's phone for a start. And it's criminal. But yes if I were the wife of this guy I'd thank someone for telling me.

He's suggested you should join in?

And you didn't think that that was significant enough to mention in one of your many earlier posts?

Why does she keep telling you about it OP and showing you the videos/pics?

Does she know what you've or did you go behind her back?

Public detective work on FB is never a good idea. Be careful, especially if you think he is dangerous.

I don’t think you should involve the daughter.
the wife may want to know her husband is doing this but it’s not your place to get involved. He sounds a creep.

I'm just going to reply to her and say I got the wrong person and leave it at that.

If you know what pervy comments he makes on social media and already knew his name and thst he was married.... why did you need to ask if anyone knew who he was? What else is there to find out?

Don’t reply or reply saying you had a message for him about something that is no longer important.
I get your worries about the relationship but she is an adult.

Putting it on FB is wild potentially putting yourself, your friend, this man and his family in danger! I understand your saying she has mental health issues (not sure how her diabetes plays into it) but other than contacting social work and the police you have stepped way over the mark IMO

That doesn't make her vulnerable - just naive

Also by you letting the world know she has shared this content with you which presumably he only meant for her (rightly or wrongly) you may well end up pushing your friend into revenge porn territory…

But her boundaries are HER boundaries and not yours to police!

Shes possibly naive at best, stupid at worse but not ‘vulnerable’.

Who is the ‘vulnerable’ person to you?

Does she have capacity?
If so its her decision to message this man and you really shouldn't be getting involved, especially posting about him on facebook.
Im sure your friend could block his number if she didn't want these messages

I believe he can make a criminal complaint against you ! How is she vulnerable? That matters

You asked if you have overstepped and yes, I think you have. Although your friend has depression and anxiety and a life limiting illness, if she has legal capacity, she still has the right to make her own (poor) choices. The police aren’t interested because based on what’s been said here, a crime hasn’t been committed. She’s of age and she’s consenting to the videos being sent to her. Yes, the man sounds like a sleaze but being a sleaze isn’t a criminal offence.

I think the best you can do is encourage your friend to see this for what it is but if she can’t or won’t, it’s not your responsibility.

As for the daughter, you don’t have to reply to the message.

So has your friend showed you the videos? As surely you could get her into trouble as he hasn’t given consent? Or did he, given he wanted you to join in?