If I can't pay for dd's boyfriend

[Fillyourdreams]

Dd has been in a relationship for a couple of years now. Both are early 20's and still live with parents. As a family we go on luxury holidays every 2 - 3 yrs budget allowing. We work extremely hard and both of us do extra overtime to pay for the holidays we love.
Dd contributes a fair amount which we work out based on her current salary. Her younger sister we obviously pay for in full as she isn't yet working.
We are now looking at going long haul this summer and within our budget we can do everything we want to do.
But as time goes on I feel really bad for dd's boyfriend. I think he would like to come with us but we cannot afford to pay for him too and he is not in a financial position to pay for himself either. Nothing is booked yet and I know dd really wants to come but also.know last time we went her boyfriend struggled being left. We go for around 3 weeks.
Is it awful to leave him or should we try and save more to take him too (this would mean delaying 18 mths ish). Especially if they end up moving in together in next few months.
I hate leaving him out but for us to pay for an extra adult is really difficult. Wwyd?

It also changes the dynamic for your youngest, which isn't fair.

I would be very concerned at my DD’s boyfriend “struggling” with not my seeing my DD for 3 weeks. You say he is a softie and not controlling, which may be true, but it doesn’t make it any less odd.

Significantly, it in no way means you should find an extra £4k-£5k to pay for him to go on your family holiday. Not only is that over the top (missing her for 3 weeks won’t kill him!) but it will completely change the dynamics of your family holiday. You may not have the chance to have many, if any, more given your children are growing up and will soon not join you. Do it while you can, focus on your family, and don’t worry about the boyfriend.

I agree with this poster. It will completely change the holiday dynamic too. Your daughters are growing up and soon won't want to come on the family holidays. Don't delay for another 18 months. Just offer your eldest the choice of coming on here own or not coming. It'll probably be the last time she comes anyway.

I think this is a you problem, your daughter wants to join you and is saving her share of the cost, you don't mention her asking to bring her boyfriend. I think you have just let your assumptions and imagination develope into a problem that quite frankly doesn't exist. I think you may be a bit of an idealist? Yes of course he misses her, that's very sweet and how it should be.

If they’ve only been together a couple of years when did you go on the holiday that the boyfriend struggled with? When is the next one planned for?

If he can’t afford it he can’t come. Not your problem. I wouldn’t entertain paying for him. Mind you I wouldn’t invite him either

Will you also be paying for a friend of your youngest dd to come? If not then say no to eldest DD bf. The two dds can hang out on holiday. Or the eldest dd can decline the holiday.

Yes. Amazing holidays in Scotland!

Oh he’s pathetic.

No, don’t invite him and don’t pay.

He struggled being left out of a holiday he wasn't invited on and he couldn't pay for? Oh dear.

This!

If he's going to struggle that much, then your daughter can stay at home with him and you just go with your youngest.

I wouldn't entertain having to work more and delay plans to find £4/5000 to take him with you!

If he's a softie and by "struggled" you mean he missed her, then I can understand why you would like to include him. It's not a red flag. However, I still wouldn't fund the boyfriend's trip, it sets a precedent.

Enjoy your holidays with your DC, there will come a time when they can't or don't want to join you, (they may have DC of their own, change jobs, relationships etc), so make the most of this trip guilt free.

Lots of people control people with garnering sympathy and guilt rather than shouting, hitting or overt abuse, some use a mix of these as well.
I would keep it strictly your immediate family since you are paying. They dynamics may change next year, perhaps when you get back have a word with your DD and mention BF is welcome to come but they wouldn't have to cover his costs... give them time to think about saving or if they'd prefer to holiday as a couple exclusively from now on.

If you are going this summer then your dd and her boyf can have only been together a very short while when you went 2 years ago so I can kind of understand why he would have struggled then especially when the relationship was so new. But in the last couple of years he must be aware that your long haul holidays are a thing? Have either he or your dd intimated that he would like to join?

Don’t pay for him, you offer for him to come but only if he can pay his way.
They aren’t married and don’t live together, you’re not obliged at all to pay for him to come.
I think it’s nicer to have family time on holidays sometimes anyway, surely they can survive a couple of weeks apart?
Perhaps though this should be the last time you let your eldest pay a reduced amount to come with you? Either she pays full whack or doesn’t come, or you take a cheaper holiday she can come on and pay her way.

Your DD needs to accept she has got together with a man who cannot maintain the lifestyle she was previously used to when she was dependent on you. She can't expect to continue going on luxury holidays with her parents forever. Time for her to be going on holidays with her partner to places which are within their budgets. They can still have a lovely time without spending three weeks in an expensive resort

Some really strange answers here.

The OP said he struggled,.suddenly everyone is saying red flag, controlling etc when my thought went to, he missed her. I've been married 8 years and would miss my husband if he left me alone for 3 weeks.

Not to say the OP should pay, just bizarre how many people go for controlling and manipulative when as far as I can see the boyfriend never said anything.

You either all go including the boyfriend or none of you go and you just stay home. Maybe a trip to Benidorm or something where you can easily afford it plus give spending money for all.

@SBGM247

ewwww, no

I’m inclined to think that your dd is causing the problems here. In my 20’s I would have absolutely been upset if my partner had left for a three week holiday with her parents on a regular basis.
Three weeks would have almost my whole holiday allowance for the year meaning that we wouldn’t have had any time left for us, as she was also paying towards it she wouldn’t likely have had any more money either.
It isn’t your responsibility to pay for her partner but I think your dd needs to make some hard choices about growing up.

Why should they?

Some weird posts.on this thread. If you can afford to pay for adult randoms then you should miss out?

Wtf dudes...

But they will have only been together a short time when the dd went on the previous family holiday and since then they have had 2 whole years to know that another big holiday was coming so the dd and boyfriend have surely discussed it?

if your DD and boyfriend had to contribute 1 place between them - ie each getting the holiday half price - could they manage ?

they are adults now so paying anything is a treat not a normal

If your daughter would like him to come, you can suggest she shares her subsidy with him

but also.know last time we went her boyfriend struggled being left.

He’s a grown adult and needs to get over it.

Its extremely unhealthy for people to have to be with each other every day and I am shocked that you are encouraging this attitude.

Yes of course they’ll miss each other but ‘struggling’ is just pathetic and so unhealthy.
They’ll see each other when she gets back home.

WHAT!!!!

OP and the entire family should not go on their amazing holiday because she can’t afford to pay for an extra adult to attend!!

He can see his gf when she gets home.

Why does MN have so many batshit people on it 🙈🙈