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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

If I can't pay for dd's boyfriend

244 replies

Fillyourdreams · 01/01/2026 22:30

Dd has been in a relationship for a couple of years now. Both are early 20's and still live with parents. As a family we go on luxury holidays every 2 - 3 yrs budget allowing. We work extremely hard and both of us do extra overtime to pay for the holidays we love.
Dd contributes a fair amount which we work out based on her current salary. Her younger sister we obviously pay for in full as she isn't yet working.
We are now looking at going long haul this summer and within our budget we can do everything we want to do.
But as time goes on I feel really bad for dd's boyfriend. I think he would like to come with us but we cannot afford to pay for him too and he is not in a financial position to pay for himself either. Nothing is booked yet and I know dd really wants to come but also.know last time we went her boyfriend struggled being left. We go for around 3 weeks.
Is it awful to leave him or should we try and save more to take him too (this would mean delaying 18 mths ish). Especially if they end up moving in together in next few months.
I hate leaving him out but for us to pay for an extra adult is really difficult. Wwyd?

OP posts:
Poppingby · 01/01/2026 22:47

'he struggled being left'? is he 5? How can an adult be arsed with another adult that can't be left for 3 weeks (caring responsibilities aside)?

Of course you shouldn't worry about not paying if you can't pay for him. Why on earth should you? Presumably he's welcome if he can scrape the money together from somewhere, he's got 6 months to save hasn't he.

CheeseyOnionPie · 01/01/2026 22:50

PhantomAfternoonTea · 01/01/2026 22:35

If you went for, say, two weeks, could you afford to take him then? Could he pay for his own flight at least? If you can't or don't want to, fair enough but it's a shame to leave him out if they're in a serious relationship.

If he’s grown enough to be in a serious relationship then he’s grown enough to cope with being “left out” of a family holiday. It’s not even his family, he’s just dating OP’s daughter.

Tulcan · 01/01/2026 22:51

It’s up to them. This wouldn’t be anything I would get involved in.

If she comes, great, if he comes, great.

I wouldn’t be encouraging my twenty year old daughter to have a relationship with a man who struggled when she went on holiday with her parents though.

Allthecoloursoftherainbow4 · 01/01/2026 22:51

Ineffable23 · 01/01/2026 22:37

Could she come for just 10 days or 2 weeks or so of the holiday?

I don't think I'd have been struggling with my boyfriend/girlfriend being away for 3 weeks, but I would have been frustrated that they now only had 2 weeks worth of holiday left, one of which is likely to be eaten by Christmas, so then only one week for us to go away together.

This... Tbh when I was in my early 20's and in a serious relationship I would no longer have wanted to go on a 3 week holiday with my parents even if they were offering to pay - because I would have wanted to spend what precious leave I had with my partner, not mummy and daddy.

I suspect OP continues to subsidise her daughter because she wants her to come and she knows if daughter had to pay for herself she probably wouldn't choose to spend her money and annual leave this way.

TomatoSandwiches · 01/01/2026 22:53

Stop centering this grown adult male.
Very convenient that he struggled so much last time but hasn't spoken to you about saving for the next holiday if he is welcome to.
He is a grown up, he can pay his way, don't reduce your time or the holiday you want when you are paying the majority and have planned it.

Sick of men like this.

Allthecoloursoftherainbow4 · 01/01/2026 22:53

Tulcan · 01/01/2026 22:51

It’s up to them. This wouldn’t be anything I would get involved in.

If she comes, great, if he comes, great.

I wouldn’t be encouraging my twenty year old daughter to have a relationship with a man who struggled when she went on holiday with her parents though.

But it's more about the fact it means she's using over half her leave allowance for the entire year on a holiday with her parents?

I'd tell my daughter to run a mile if a bloke she'd been with 2 years wanted to use 3 weeks of his A/L to go on a holiday with his mum and dad instead of her.

Allthecoloursoftherainbow4 · 01/01/2026 22:55

Poppingby · 01/01/2026 22:47

'he struggled being left'? is he 5? How can an adult be arsed with another adult that can't be left for 3 weeks (caring responsibilities aside)?

Of course you shouldn't worry about not paying if you can't pay for him. Why on earth should you? Presumably he's welcome if he can scrape the money together from somewhere, he's got 6 months to save hasn't he.

A 3 week holiday if somewhere really posh and potentially in school holidays if the younger daughter isn't working yet could easy cost several thousand per person. Most people in their early twenties couldn't save enough in 6-12 months no matter what they did.

PurpleThistle7 · 01/01/2026 22:56

My in-laws are wealthy but never offered to bring me on their holidays until years after we were married… actually I think it was after we had our kids. Since then they’ve paid for us to come on 3 different holidays but it wasn’t for my benefit lol - it was definitely for the kids. My then boyfriend went on a 2 week cruise when we were around 21, he went to Europe (we are American) a couple times.. all sorts. I was definitely jealous but it never occurred to me that I should have been invited.

Tulcan · 01/01/2026 22:59

Allthecoloursoftherainbow4 · 01/01/2026 22:53

But it's more about the fact it means she's using over half her leave allowance for the entire year on a holiday with her parents?

I'd tell my daughter to run a mile if a bloke she'd been with 2 years wanted to use 3 weeks of his A/L to go on a holiday with his mum and dad instead of her.

Show quote history

True, and so would I.

ByQuaintAzureWasp · 01/01/2026 23:01

You shouldn't be paying for daughter's bf. That's ridiculous. Can ge ask his parents for help?

Rumplestiltz · 01/01/2026 23:03

I guess this comes down to - why do we go on holiday and what makes a holiday special and enjoyable? If it is - I just want luxury, fine. If it is - I want to be surrounded by my family including the extras and boyfriends in less luxurious surroundings - also fine. Luxury doesn’t always buy happiness, but happiness is never guaranteed into either situation.

NoCommentingFromNowOn · 01/01/2026 23:03

both of us do extra overtime to pay for the holidays we love.

Oh no! What a desperate shame that overtime isn’t available to young men in their early 20s! Gutted!

onwards2025 · 01/01/2026 23:04

You do not change your holiday plans. You decide the plans and then it's up to your dd and her partner if they come or not, you do not pay for him or change plans around him.

Those saying about the annual leave have quite a warped view on it, no way would I be encouraging my dd to ring fence her annual leave for her partner unless she wanted to, she should be free to use it however she wants, going away with family, friends, her partner etc but in no way needs to use it exclusively for her partner. They have days off together too throughout the year and are assumingly child free etc.

murasaki · 01/01/2026 23:05

3 weeks is an excessively long time though I agree with others about that being most of her annual leave. 2 would be fine surely. Not that that means that his 'not coping' isn't ridiculous and a massive klaxon that he's odd.

Sunshine1500 · 01/01/2026 23:07

the daughter should not have to keep annual leave for her boyfriend. He is welcome to go on the holiday he just can’t afford it!

ClawClip1 · 01/01/2026 23:08

I don’t know why he’s being so deeply considered? I mean he’d be invited but it would be up to him to foot his own bill. They don’t even live together

ThreeSixtyTwo · 01/01/2026 23:09

I'll go against the majority.
MN tends to think that limiting contact is a solution for everything.

It's cool that your DD wants to go with you on holidays even when she pays for that from her earnings. It suggests that you have a respectful relationship and she doesn't feel the need to distance herself.

Secondly, as she is working- does it mean she would spend more than half of her annual leave and a big part of her own vacation budget there?
As a boyfriend, I wouldn't care about being left for that time, I wouldn't care about her going with her parents. I would care about her not having any AL and money to go with me.
And, as your DD, I wouldn't like that aspect.

Is it realistic for her/them to join for a shorter time? Do you prefer this dream luxurious vacation or having your DD1 there?

tachetastic · 01/01/2026 23:11

In what way did a man in his twenties who lives with his parents "struggle" by being left out of your last holiday?

You don't have to pay for him and you should not delay the holiday. That would be unfair on everyone.

If you do feel guilty is there a way that you could pay say 25% of the cost, his parents could contribute 25% and then he and your DD would only have to find 50% in order for him to come along? Would that be achievable?

Do they have the same issue when his family goes on holiday?

Icouldwriteabookonmydisastrouslife · 01/01/2026 23:14

What happens if you wait 18 months for the holiday and then they split up just before it ? No if he wants to come he shouldn’t expect you to pay . He needs to fund himself you can’t guarantee they will stay together .

YourWildAmberSloth · 01/01/2026 23:16

I would be more concerned about the fact that he struggles to be without her for a few weeks. That's not healthy.

pizzaHeart · 01/01/2026 23:16

I wouldn’t delay. I also wouldn’t pay for him at this stage - it doesn’t sound as you can afford it.
However 3 weeks is a long holiday so I wonder what your DD thinks about it. Going on a holiday for 3 weeks reduces her opportunities to go away with BF and / or friends. Now she lives at home and it feels a bit more logical but it might feel different when she’ll move out.

By the way what do you mean by “him struggling when she is away for 3 weeks”? It sounds very odd.

HowAboutNowJane · 01/01/2026 23:17

Surely you wouldnt need to pay for an extra room? So, its just flights? Although I appreciate they would be expensive if its somewhere like the Maldives and not Tenerife.

I would be annoyed if my partner used three weeks of his AL to go on a luxury jolly with his parents. I would see if you could come to some sort of financial arrangement like splitting the cost, but I can see this becoming precedent setting once your youngest wants to bring a partner.

ChildrenOfTheQuorn · 01/01/2026 23:17

Don't prioritise this bf over yourselves and your other DD. He'd be benefiting from being paid for to the detriment of everyone else...

Icanneverthinkofaname · 01/01/2026 23:18

HowAboutNowJane · 01/01/2026 23:17

Surely you wouldnt need to pay for an extra room? So, its just flights? Although I appreciate they would be expensive if its somewhere like the Maldives and not Tenerife.

I would be annoyed if my partner used three weeks of his AL to go on a luxury jolly with his parents. I would see if you could come to some sort of financial arrangement like splitting the cost, but I can see this becoming precedent setting once your youngest wants to bring a partner.

He's not a partner, he's a boyfriend, it's quite different!

Everybodysinthehousetonight · 01/01/2026 23:18

They might not even be together in 18 months.