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Original poster

If I can't pay for dd's boyfriend

244 replies

Fillyourdreams · 01/01/2026 22:30

Dd has been in a relationship for a couple of years now. Both are early 20's and still live with parents. As a family we go on luxury holidays every 2 - 3 yrs budget allowing. We work extremely hard and both of us do extra overtime to pay for the holidays we love.
Dd contributes a fair amount which we work out based on her current salary. Her younger sister we obviously pay for in full as she isn't yet working.
We are now looking at going long haul this summer and within our budget we can do everything we want to do.
But as time goes on I feel really bad for dd's boyfriend. I think he would like to come with us but we cannot afford to pay for him too and he is not in a financial position to pay for himself either. Nothing is booked yet and I know dd really wants to come but also.know last time we went her boyfriend struggled being left. We go for around 3 weeks.
Is it awful to leave him or should we try and save more to take him too (this would mean delaying 18 mths ish). Especially if they end up moving in together in next few months.
I hate leaving him out but for us to pay for an extra adult is really difficult. Wwyd?

OP posts:
Bones101 · 02/01/2026 03:00

He's not your responsibility and it's a family holiday. His folks can pay if need be.

Notimeforaname · 02/01/2026 03:12

A grown man struggled because his girlfriend went on a family holiday?

So now you are looking at potentially postponing your family holiday for 1.5 years to help him avoid this struggle?....riiiight

outerspacepotato · 02/01/2026 03:20

It's a three week luxury holiday that it takes two working adults three years to save up for, so presumably we're talking thousands, potentially five figures per head...doubtful that the boyfriend/daughter would be able to fund it by simply 'picking up some overtime', regardless of notice, unless they're high earners.

He lives with his parents. He doesn't have to go the whole time. But if he's not willing to do some extra work to fund his way, why should his girlfriend's family pay?

whatulookinat · 02/01/2026 05:10

I wouldn’t pay for him. Equally I would be concerned your daughter could pull out at the last minute because she doesn’t want to leave him, and you could therefore lose the cost of her holiday.

Why don’t they just got on a cheaper holiday together which they find themselves.

Kimura · 02/01/2026 06:52

outerspacepotato · 02/01/2026 03:20

It's a three week luxury holiday that it takes two working adults three years to save up for, so presumably we're talking thousands, potentially five figures per head...doubtful that the boyfriend/daughter would be able to fund it by simply 'picking up some overtime', regardless of notice, unless they're high earners.

He lives with his parents. He doesn't have to go the whole time. But if he's not willing to do some extra work to fund his way, why should his girlfriend's family pay?

I didn't say his girlfriend's family should pay, did I?

I said if this is a three week luxury holiday that this family has to save for three years to afford, it's unlikely that a lad in his early 20s (who OP already stated does not have the financial means) will be able to come up with the cash by simply 'doing some extra work', so it's a pretty pointless suggestion.

calminggreen · 02/01/2026 06:54

Absolutely not are you mad?! If he wants to go then he can pick up overtime/extra work/save to pay for it. If he lives with his parents he’s hardly going to be paying market rate rent and bills is he?! Get a grip!

LivingDeadGirlUK · 02/01/2026 07:01

Vaxtable · 01/01/2026 22:34

They decide what they want, if they want him to come then both can save up the funds to pay for him, it’s generous that you are even paying for your daughter when she earns.

There is plenty of time for them to do so, just means no going out etc etc.

This ^^ or she just comes out for a week, or he flys out for a week if they can afford it. Its not just the cost, shes using 3 weeks of AL, they need to work out what works best for them as a family unit.

SoapyDrama · 02/01/2026 07:06

Bookloveruk · 01/01/2026 23:25

Maybe do something more affordable and he can contribute and come along. It’s a tough one as you’ll probably feel he should be there when you go

You're suggesting that a hard saved for family holiday should be forgone for something cheaper because a boyfriend can't afford to pay his way?

That cant serious

Purplewarrior · 02/01/2026 07:16

What do you mean by “he struggled being left”?

Do you mean he is such a wet wipe he struggled to function without your DD being around to prop him up? Or do you mean he struggled with jealousy that he wasn’t on the holiday?

Either way, it doesn’t paint him in a positive light.

I am very financially liberal with my adult DC, paying for holidays and treating their partners, but I wouldn’t include him if it meant a detriment to the holiday for everyone else.

He can stay home and sulk or whatever he does. If DD prefers not to come without him, I would accept that.

Aplstrudl · 02/01/2026 07:17

If your dd is happy to go, then just go! Leave the boyfriend at home.

CarrierbagsAndPJs · 02/01/2026 07:18

calminggreen · 02/01/2026 06:54

Absolutely not are you mad?! If he wants to go then he can pick up overtime/extra work/save to pay for it. If he lives with his parents he’s hardly going to be paying market rate rent and bills is he?! Get a grip!

This. Why can you dd afford it and he cannot
? What is his iob?

SoozyWoozy5 · 02/01/2026 07:20

HeddaGarbled · 01/01/2026 22:33

I think you’re probably reaching the stage where she doesn’t come on family holidays any more, or at least not the 3 week ones.

This

Changename12 · 02/01/2026 07:41

Most young people in their early 20s would be going on holiday on their own and not with their parents. One of our children came on holiday with us at this age when they were still at Uni ( 5 year course) and we paid for them and their SO (now spouse). It was not long haul and it wouldn’t have been much cheaper to take them as a singleton and pay a single room supplement. Our other child declined at the time.

LadyBlakeneysHanky · 02/01/2026 07:45

You are being unreasonable to think it’s normal that a man in his 20s will ‘struggle’ bring left behind while his girlfriend goes on a 3 week holiday.

If the boyfriend has given you/DD the impression that this will be a ‘struggle’ for him then you need to be looking at what is going on here, & whether DD needs help in navigating her way out of an unduly possessive relationship in which control is maintained over her by emotional blackmail. Because it’s very, very odd.

Kindling1970 · 02/01/2026 08:13

I had a partner who made me feel bad and guilty every time I went away without him at that age. Turns out he was controlling and abusive. How dare he try to manipulate you and your daughter in paying for his free holiday

Nopersbro · 02/01/2026 08:24

I would go without him, quite contentedly. Of course, if your daughter wants to opt out of the trip she can, but I'd hope that if she genuinely wanted to go she wouldn't let his disappointment or FOMO dissuade her. I'm sure they'll miss each other but three weeks is not a long time and a healthy relationship can handle that kind of very occasional separation. IF you had the money to pay for both your daughter's portion of the trip and her boyfriend's then sure, it might be nice to ask him along if that's what she wants. But you DON'T have the money, and even if you could stretch to it, it seems really odd to pay for him while your daughter is expected to contribute and has managed to do so each year since she's been working. I would absolutely NOT delay for 18 months!!!!

Rileysp · 02/01/2026 08:27

The daughter needs to decide whether she wants to go or not, on the terms you set down

if he wants to go, he’ll need to pay

Jackiepumpkinhead · 02/01/2026 08:29

Why on earth would you pay for him? And why should your younger daughter miss out on a holiday this year because you’re subsidising her older sister’s boyfriend. Good grief.

Silverbirchleaf · 02/01/2026 08:32

You say you do overtime to be able to afford these holidays. Can he save up also? Can can he do a week of the holiday, rather than all three weeks?

ittakes2 · 02/01/2026 08:34

I don’t think it’s fair on your actual family to change or delay holiday for him. Nones fault just one of those things

Duckingpondlake · 02/01/2026 08:37

Surely they get a cheap week together in Mallorca or something? Some of my fondest memories of being a young woman are slumming in a shitty hotel with friends/ boyfriends.

PhantomOfAllKnowledge · 02/01/2026 08:37

They are in their early 20s - this is for them to sort out. Your elder DD is lucky that you are subsidising her place on the holiday; you certainly shouldn't feel bad for not subsidising her boyfriend.

DD can:

  • Go and leave him behind. If he is being difficult about being left for three weeks, I would seriously question his maturity and resilience
  • Not go and have a holiday with her boyfriend that is within their means. If you wanted to make a kind gesture, you could give her what you'd have paid towards her place on the family holiday to put towards this.
  • Work out a plan to save the money between them for the boyfriend to join you.

Whatever you do, do not pay for the boyfriend's place on a promise of being reimbursed. That type of arrangement always ends badly. Come summer there will be loads of threads on here about people who have paid for someone to join them on holiday, it's gone pear-shaped and they are out of pocket.

DisforDarkChocolate · 02/01/2026 08:41

Don't even consider paying for him. Your daughter works and pays, that how it works for adults unless your are wealthy.

You also don't want to encourage him being able to guilt your daughter into missing out or subsidising him, that's controlling behaviour.

Logisticalqueen · 02/01/2026 08:42

Fillyourdreams · 01/01/2026 22:30

Dd has been in a relationship for a couple of years now. Both are early 20's and still live with parents. As a family we go on luxury holidays every 2 - 3 yrs budget allowing. We work extremely hard and both of us do extra overtime to pay for the holidays we love.
Dd contributes a fair amount which we work out based on her current salary. Her younger sister we obviously pay for in full as she isn't yet working.
We are now looking at going long haul this summer and within our budget we can do everything we want to do.
But as time goes on I feel really bad for dd's boyfriend. I think he would like to come with us but we cannot afford to pay for him too and he is not in a financial position to pay for himself either. Nothing is booked yet and I know dd really wants to come but also.know last time we went her boyfriend struggled being left. We go for around 3 weeks.
Is it awful to leave him or should we try and save more to take him too (this would mean delaying 18 mths ish). Especially if they end up moving in together in next few months.
I hate leaving him out but for us to pay for an extra adult is really difficult. Wwyd?

I would suggest that DD goes away with her BF instead of the family. A less expensive holiday, not long-haul, that they’ll enjoy as a couple. If they are going to live together in a few months time then she’s potentially choosing her life-time partner, so then surely she’d prefer this option.

Rileysp · 02/01/2026 09:00

does the daughter even want to go? Or would she prefer you to have a smaller financial contribution to her own holiday, say, and a free house for 3 weeks with her boyfriend?

know which id prefer at 20

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