If I can't pay for dd's boyfriend

[Fillyourdreams]

Dd has been in a relationship for a couple of years now. Both are early 20's and still live with parents. As a family we go on luxury holidays every 2 - 3 yrs budget allowing. We work extremely hard and both of us do extra overtime to pay for the holidays we love.
Dd contributes a fair amount which we work out based on her current salary. Her younger sister we obviously pay for in full as she isn't yet working.
We are now looking at going long haul this summer and within our budget we can do everything we want to do.
But as time goes on I feel really bad for dd's boyfriend. I think he would like to come with us but we cannot afford to pay for him too and he is not in a financial position to pay for himself either. Nothing is booked yet and I know dd really wants to come but also.know last time we went her boyfriend struggled being left. We go for around 3 weeks.
Is it awful to leave him or should we try and save more to take him too (this would mean delaying 18 mths ish). Especially if they end up moving in together in next few months.
I hate leaving him out but for us to pay for an extra adult is really difficult. Wwyd?

I would say not to set a precedent here

I'd actually pay for her to have a break from him. What exactly was he struggling with?

Is your daughter happy to go without him?

If the holidays are every 2-3 years, he's had sufficient time to save. If he couldn't, he just needs to accept that not all incomes/experiences are equal. There will always be something he can't afford.

She’s early 20’s, bit old to be going on the family holiday with mummy and daddy. She should be going away with her bf.

Ours are 27 and 31 (both partnered). They will join us for a week at our home in France, paying their fares, etc, but we host them whilst they are with us.

If they are at work, they should be saving for their own holidays. If the op's dd wants to join her family for three weeks in luxury then the bf has to suck it up.

I'd have thought a "couple" in their 20s and working would relish the family being away for three weeks and then having a fortnight of sex and sun.

FGS if the bf is going to be pathetic at home for three weeks without his girlfriend and can't save up his half of a fortnight away with his gf or she can't compromise for him, the relationship doesn't have the spark it needs. I'd want more for my dd.

So, if they fancy it, he and OP’s DD can go on a holiday he can afford as well. Or he can go away with his mates. Or his family. Or solo. Or some combination of the above. Nothing stopping any of that from happening.

You’re the one going on about ‘choosing where loyalties lie’ and advising him to dump her for the heinous crime of going on holiday without him. If anyone is being harsh, it’s you.

I can't imagine many early 20s in work would want to go on holiday with their parents anyway.

Seems a bit odd to me

Voted YABU. Your DDs boyfriend lives at home with his parents in his 20s. Why can't he save? Sorry but do not pay for him.

They can go on their own holiday together. Somewhere they can afford

If he can’t cope with 3 weeks apart then they are doomed

Mine would. But we spend a fortune on amazing holidays they will possibly never be able to afford

What a weird attitude. Are you British by any chance?

Yes why isn’t she going away with him?

I wouldn't expect a 20something to prioritise a holiday with parents and a sister thats young enough to not be working yet (ie all very different life stages to her and probably different ideas of how they'd spend their ideal holiday) so I would be happy to subsidise some of that if I had the means to and it left her with a cost that she felt more worth it.

However it wouldn't be a holiday that requires 18 months to save the cost for one person!

@Fillyourdreams I wouldnt pay for the bf. They'd end up doing their own thing most of the time and you'd have spent a fortune not to see much of them!

Ckukd you determine how much you could subsidise DD and then put it forward as we can co tribute xx towards holiday for Dd and her BF, they need to make up difference them selves. OR they can put this amount towards another holiday of their choice.

So if family holiday is Disney, they could choose to stay in more budget onsite or offsite accommodation, or it could go
towards a totally different holiday of their choice…

Plan a two week holiday for all five of you that you can afford.

You must live an awfully sheltered life if you think that 3 weeks away from a boyfriend for a family holiday is the be all and end all! 🤣 I’d be actively concerned for any young man who allegedly can’t ’survive’ 3 weeks without his girlfriend, nor would I want my DD to be with someone so overly clingy and dramatic. Being free and able to travel with minimum commitments for work/fun/study is all part of being young!

Agree with this, and what some other posters have said about being a bit cross if my partner (boyfriend whatever) said he was using all his holiday allowance up to go on a jolly with the parents. You cannot afford to take boyfriend, so just explain your workings out to older DD. I'd book to go on a lovely hol with OH and younger DC. I'm a bit odd about hols and partners, friends etc. in that if I invite them, then I expect to pay for them - but I can afford it if a reasonably priced one, but not a special expensive one. Have been caught out once when DD2 broke up with boyfriend before going away, it wasn't a massive expense in life's big schemes, but flight costs and we had had to hire an apartment for 6, when 4 would have done. Ex-bf felt terrible about it I think, DD was less arsed, and seemed very happy not to share with her brother. I think @TwoeightTwoeightTwoOhhhh is also right, although you don't "need to" if you can afford to pay a small contribution to them having a nice lower budget holiday together it is a softener that works, you would have been paying for her anyway, this way, they are getting a nod to their relationship, nice hols, and you are also going on your nice hols, albeit at a lower cost. HTH x

Although my honest opinion is that people in their early 20s should not be spending three weeks of their precious annual leave on holidays with their parents. A week is fine. But otherwise they should be off at festivals or inter railing or hiking a long distance path or staying in hotels while backpacking across foreign lands or on weird adventures with their friends

I cannot think of things I would have liked to do less than your suggestions of suitable holidays for people in their early 20s, even when I was that age.

OP’s DD may value the family holidays, and that’s fine.

Why should they go on cheaper holidays to accommodate her daughter's boyfriend?

And frankly I don't get the feeling left out when they went on vacation, because they are in a relationship doesn't mean she can't go on vacation with her parents anymore and it's even every 2-3 hears not every few months or frequently.

Three weeks apart is no drama at all. He can’t afford it so he doesn’t get to go. And if I were you I’d either go somewhere cheaper or stop subbing your elder dd. She’s working…. In her 20s…. If she can’t afford it…. Tough luck. A lot of people don’t get to go on holiday at all or certainly not every year. It’s a luxury not an essential.

This.

There are simple truths here - you don’t delay your holiday plans based on your adult kid’s relationship. You could if you wish to, pay for them to join you for a shorter spell , just take your daughter or don’t take either of them. If you want to be generous then maybe pay for them to take a shorter break on their own somewhere short haul. Personally I think it’s past the point of paying for either of them to join you. Plus many young working people would struggle to get 3 weeks off in one go.

Perhaps she doesn't feel that strongly about him? Or just chooses not to centre him in her life? He's not even a cohabiting partner, just someone she's currently dating. She's entitled to go on holiday with her family if she wants to and can afford it. If he hates the notion of it that much he's free to break up with her.

What am I reading?! Of course you don't need to feel bad, for not funding a luxury holiday for a grown man! You sound lovely OP, but you're definitely worrying too much - just go on your holiday without guilt. If he "struggles" with not getting a free holiday 🤨 that's also not your problem, and is frankly a ridiculous feeling for a grown adult to have.

I agree with @CantBreathe90 post bolded above, OP.

Apart from anything else, if he comes too it won't be a "family holiday", it'll be you three and them two, they'll inevitably end up just using it as an opportunity for a luxury trip for themselves and you'll barely see them. Especially if it's basically going to be a once in a lifetime opportunity because they couldn't afford it without you subbing them. So you'll have subsidised the costs and not got what you wanted from the situation (which I'm assuming is your DD1 company).

He's an adult and could be working extra to pay his way. You shouldn't be subsidizing a grown man's luxury holiday when you can't afford to.

And the struggling while his gf is on holiday because he wasn't invited and couldn't pay, that's a red flag. He's feeling entitled. This guy's not got much get up and go or resilience. Give him an idea. He could take your daughter on a holiday they can afford.

I don't like the sound of him. But I'm not big on whiney weak guys who expect things done for them or whine because their gf took a vacation.

It's a three week luxury holiday that it takes two working adults three years to save up for, so presumably we're talking thousands, potentially five figures per head...doubtful that the boyfriend/daughter would be able to fund it by simply 'picking up some overtime', regardless of notice, unless they're high earners.

I'd just be honest with your daughter OP: You'd love for her partner to come and he'd be very welcome, but you're not in a position to help fund it. Tell her that you completely understand if she doesn't want to go without him, and let her know when you intend to book so she can have a think, talk to him and give you an answer.

If they're moving in together soon it'll be slightly more awkward her going away for three weeks without him. Could your daughter go for a week or ten days?

The 'struggled being left' thing is a bit of a red flag though. In what way? Assuming this was three years ago so he'd have been a teenager - was it just a bit of love-sickness? Hopefully he's grown up a bit now and this won't be an issue?

But if he's making your daughter feel guilty about spending time away from him, or 'choosing' her family over her partner, that's something to keep an eye on.