If I can't pay for dd's boyfriend

[Fillyourdreams]

Dd has been in a relationship for a couple of years now. Both are early 20's and still live with parents. As a family we go on luxury holidays every 2 - 3 yrs budget allowing. We work extremely hard and both of us do extra overtime to pay for the holidays we love.
Dd contributes a fair amount which we work out based on her current salary. Her younger sister we obviously pay for in full as she isn't yet working.
We are now looking at going long haul this summer and within our budget we can do everything we want to do.
But as time goes on I feel really bad for dd's boyfriend. I think he would like to come with us but we cannot afford to pay for him too and he is not in a financial position to pay for himself either. Nothing is booked yet and I know dd really wants to come but also.know last time we went her boyfriend struggled being left. We go for around 3 weeks.
Is it awful to leave him or should we try and save more to take him too (this would mean delaying 18 mths ish). Especially if they end up moving in together in next few months.
I hate leaving him out but for us to pay for an extra adult is really difficult. Wwyd?

He really should be able to cope in this 20s when his gf holidays with her own family for a few weeks.

Except the missing her, struggled etc is emotional manipulation which to me gives vibes of ‘I’d come but can’t afford it’.

I feel for you OP, we travel and do some pretty big holidays and I do wonder how this will play out when my own DC have partners. I think it would depend on how serious, but unlikely to mean we would pay unless married or kids. It’s a shame, but my DC haven’t seen much of traditional holiday spots and they can make the most of those whilst young!

Exactly. Someone is hinting!

Is it the boyf hinting and saying these things directly to the op? Or is it the dd? If they’ve only been together a couple of years and the last holiday was when they first got together then they have had time to save up. I think it’s the dd hinting.

Maybe so, I’d want to know who say he ‘struggled’ (or whatever was said), him or her.

I’m old and cynical 😁

Yeah op said he ‘really struggled’ last time they went. But it would have been a new relationship then. Missing each other I can understand - but ‘really struggled’? That’s weird and needy for a new relationship. At the end of the day he should have saved and tbh she could have saved too if she really wanted him to come.

This will be one of your daughter's last holidays with you without her boyfriend.
Go ahead as planned.
They don't live together and the holiday is not a surprise for your daughter..
The boyfriend might not end up a keeper.

Unless the boyfriend can afford most of the holiday, you should not pay for him.
If he and his parents were able to afford the fare and accomodation, at most - you could shout him many meals.

Spending his money on this holiday is not wise to be honest.
He and your DD should be spending their own money within their budget or they will struggle to be financially independent.

Crack on with your plans.
Tell him he is welcome if he can pay for himself and add on nearer the time, then say no more.
you can’t in all seriousness postpone for 18 months and fork out thousands him to go too.
hes an adult.

I know dd really wants to come but also.know last time we went her boyfriend struggled being left

Echoing other posters here, but this line also leapt out to me.

Hard not to see a reaction like this as a red flag.

What do you mean-he struggled being left?

Come on OP, you all sound like a bunch of wet wipes. Sorry to sound unkind but I think you need to give you head a wobble. Either he pays for himself or she doesn’t come.

When we go on big holidays we also include my 2 older children's partners as they have been together and apart of our family for a long time and they live together. When we do our big trips we include everybody as thats something special I like to do as a family and its a family trip but smaller holidays and time away we dont take everyone, the adults that dont live at home dont come with us to smaller adventures and time away. we also take holidays to places we can afford to take them all and we already have a large family so really 1 or 2 extra people isnt an issue as we already have to pay for the extra room while we are away so really they are only sharing beds. But if they arnt living together or in your home then I don't think your in the wrong for not inviting him, its a family holiday and he does not live in the family technically. I mean if you can make it work it would be nice but if you cant afford it then he has to try and make that work.

If he can’t cope with being on his own at his parents for three weeks, and she wants to give up going on a great holiday, then that’s her choice. I would not be changing my plans to accomodate him

The BF and daughter are getting a hard time here. There is no context to the 'struggling' and it doesn't sound like either are expecting anything from the OP.

If he cant afford it then he can't come. It's simple. If he 'struggles' with her being away thats more of a red flag than anything else. I'd be suspicious of controlling behaviour.

In her 20s DD should be paying her full share too.

DD’s then-boyfriend came on a holiday with us once. He only had to pay for his flight as we had a self catering villa (so the cost of that was the same whether he came or not - he just slept in DD’a
room). I paid for everyone’s food, but again, we went out for 3-4 meals but otherwise ate in.

No don't delay your holiday. They might not still be together in 18 months' time.

Does DD actually want to go? You mention she has to contribute to the cost herself because she is working whereas her younger sister doesn't.
Couldn't you just give her the option of whether she wants to herself go first. Because it may be that she would like to save that money to move in with her boyfriend (which is something you have mentioned) and it is then irrelevant whether the bf can go.

If she does want to go then it is a family holiday and I wouldn't worry about the bf on this occasion. At the moment (when you are thinking of booking) he is also living with parents, so won't be left alone in a house if he is that needy. Surely he will also be at work during the day time so will be distracted. Technology is also a wonderful thing and they can easily keep in touch when you are away.
There is a possibility either one of them has over egged saying they missed each other last time - on here it is made out of was a big issue, but maybe he just said it once and DD latched onto this romanticising him waiting for her to return. Or even the opposite and she missed him and is trying to push it on to him and maybe he doesn't actually care that much and is fine with it.

I know dd really wants to come but also.know last time we went her boyfriend struggled being left

Ffs, tell him to get a grip. Don't tell me, he gets 'anxiety' or something if he's left on his own without her....?