If I can't pay for dd's boyfriend

[Fillyourdreams]

Dd has been in a relationship for a couple of years now. Both are early 20's and still live with parents. As a family we go on luxury holidays every 2 - 3 yrs budget allowing. We work extremely hard and both of us do extra overtime to pay for the holidays we love.
Dd contributes a fair amount which we work out based on her current salary. Her younger sister we obviously pay for in full as she isn't yet working.
We are now looking at going long haul this summer and within our budget we can do everything we want to do.
But as time goes on I feel really bad for dd's boyfriend. I think he would like to come with us but we cannot afford to pay for him too and he is not in a financial position to pay for himself either. Nothing is booked yet and I know dd really wants to come but also.know last time we went her boyfriend struggled being left. We go for around 3 weeks.
Is it awful to leave him or should we try and save more to take him too (this would mean delaying 18 mths ish). Especially if they end up moving in together in next few months.
I hate leaving him out but for us to pay for an extra adult is really difficult. Wwyd?

He isn’t your child. If he can’t afford to pay for his flight, hotel room, food etc then he can’t come. If your dd doesn’t want to come if her bf can’t then she’ll have to stay at home.

If you can't afford it then tough. At that age family holidays are strictly optional anyway.

Does she definitely want to go? Would she rather go on a cheaper holiday with her bf that he can afford?

I mean if he could pay for his flights and bring spending money for food and drink then you could kind of absorb the cost of his accommodation if he sleeps in bed with daughter? Can he definitely not afford to contribute anything?

But really they are both adults. Of course you might wish to subsidize her but you're not obliged to for either of them.

"know last time we went her boyfriend struggled being left."

Not sure if this is a red flag or just a massive ick, but either way not good.

Yeah it sounds controlling. He's obviously moaning at the daughter while she's away trying to spoil her holiday. I know just the type. So yeah watch out there big time.

Apart from all the other points mentioned by pps, luxury holidays are for those who can afford them!

If your daughter and her bf hadn't had a holiday in years and were deserving, then sure, sub them for a cheap break. But long haul for 3 weeks paid for by someone else...I don't think so!

It's a three week luxury holiday that it takes two working adults three years to save up for, so presumably we're talking thousands, potentially five figures per head...doubtful that the boyfriend/daughter would be able to fund it by simply 'picking up some overtime', regardless of notice, unless they're high earners.

That just isn't true.

I've saved thousands per year whilst working minimum wage, paying all my own living costs etc. It's totally possible with frugal living.

But it does mean rarely going out, IE once every 2 months and only to cheap places, only going more often if it's something free.
It means NEVER buying food or drink while you're out and about (unless you're specifically going out for a meal or drinks as your socialising thing and even then you need to keep the cost down by not having 3 courses or getting drunk). You take something from home if you're going to be out all day. Eg a bottle of water is approx £2 from a convenience store X5 days that's £10/wk, a multi pack of bottled water is £3 for 6 from the supermarket. A store bought sandwich is £3 approx, across 5 days that's £15, a loaf of bread is £1.50, block of cheese £2 and butter £2 and it'll make you your sandwich for lunch for the whole week for a total of £5.50.
You don't drive unnecessary journeys to save fuel.
You wear warm clothes and keep the heating off except for a few hours a day on medium heat during winter, putting a hot water bottle in your bed and blankets on top of your duvet.
You don't buy expensive clothes brand new.
You don't have car finance, you save up and buy something second hand outright.
You pay insurance annually because it's cheaper than the total annual cost of paying monthly.
If you dent it, you don't repair cosmetic damage unless you're able to claim it off another driver's insurance, only structural stuff or MOT fail stuff if you're paying for it yourself or would otherwise have to claim on your own insurance (I'm talking minor damage not huge crashes obviously).
You don't spend more than a couple hundred on a phone, which you buy outright with a cheap SIM only contact and you keep the phone until it's completely trashed and non functional years later.
You don't buy anything you don't actually need.
You don't live in the best places.
You cook cheap meals from scratch, no takeaway unless it's your socialising night out.
You don't have any debt, ever, except a mortgage, or a credit card that's paid off in full at the end of the month every month.

There's lots of ways to save up, but people don't want to take them because life is less happy day to day. Fair enough, but no use complaining they can't have the fancy holiday then. Life is all about choices.

Your DD has to make her choice. You don't have to change your life because your kids are now young adults and can't aggird what you, established adults, can afford

Its part of growing up. Dont deprive her of that maturation process

True, I’d rather have a more basic holiday than that miserable existence the rest of the year, but each to their own

I mean if he could pay for his flights and bring spending money for food and drink then you could kind of absorb the cost of his accommodation if he sleeps in bed with daughter?

I imagine the two sisters will be sharing a room. If he comes it'll mean an extra room.

No holiday is worth doing this - especially for a lengthy period of time.

No ring, no bring.

Yeh I never did it for a fancy holiday either. That wouldn't have been worth it to me. I did it to afford an expensive hobby that was my passion. I wasn't miserable for that reason.

I just get peeved when people say it's not possible to afford xyz on a basic wage. It's possible to afford some version of pretty much anything you want, it's just a question of what you're willing to give up in order to afford it. If the answer is nothing, then that's the decision made.

Things only get truly unaffordable on a low income once people have children and these days even that is purely a choice.

Or if they've previously run up a shit load of debt. Most of the time that's down to poor life choices too. It's rarely the case that it was truly unavoidable. If people are paying for the consequences of their past actions, I can't have much sympathy for them.

I haven’t read the full thread (gosh, I hate it when people say this) but what about the other dd? It will presumably impact on her holiday experience if she’s tagging along behind two lovebirds.

If ds were to bring his gf on holiday, then I’d feel like I’d have to let dd ask a friend for company. Not that she doesn’t like dh and me, but a bf and gf in your face and going off together might make someone feel a bit left out.

Look if it’s AI then the room occupancy hardly makes a difference to the cost. It’s the flight that he needs to fund himself.

But look, if your DD can’t go on holiday without her boyfriend “struggling” then I am not sure it’s a good relationship.

Totally agree. But that's the boyfriends choice to make, isn't it. If he wants to go on the holiday badly enough, he'll do it. If he doesn't, then he can stand by that decision too. In no possible universe does it mean the OP has to sub him or that it's unfair if he can't go. He has options and free will, as do we all.

Struggled with being jealous, would be my take. Thems the breaks kid.

If you could have afforded to take him then you would, so no need for guilt. He's a young man with his whole life ahead of him to go on holidays. The fact he doesn't get this one and he and DD are apart for a fortnight is negligible in the scheme of things. You're obviously a very generous person, but there's a limit to the obligations you need to feel to a young man who may only be a temporary feature in your lives, and who will not suffer great loss by missing out on one holiday.

What's wrong with not doing something if you can't afford it?

We are turning into a society where you get what you want, especially when someone else pays.

Wasn't expecting quite so many answers! So dd works in a school. Loads of annual leave so that's not an issue. Boyfriend and her tend to go away for several weekend breaks rather than more.
Regarding our holiday if we were to bring him it would be about £4 or £5k more. He would never be able to save that much. Flights are expensive, we stay at a few different hotels and all would require an extra room. Not cheap places. Then eating out etc is expensive too.
Last time we went i know her boyfriend missed her alot. I don't think that means he's controlling he's just a softy! As am I!
He is a few years older than dd so looking for a place of his own. If dd ends up half living with him I think it'll be harder for her to go without him. But I agree it is her choice.

what about the other dd? It will presumably impact on her holiday experience if she’s tagging along behind two lovebirds

Yes I also had this thought

Oh for heavens sake. Either go elsewhere or don’t invite one or both.

Struggling while your girlfriend is awag for a couple of weeks with family is a red flag. Needy, insecure or can't manage basic lifr skills without a woman around, whichever it is he needs to address that himself. Or save to pay to come. Early 20s people should be standing on their own two feet.
If you were absolutely loaded and the extra ticket would be pocket change then sure, pay for him if you like him that much. But you clearly arent as you work overtime for your own tickets.
Its a life lesson, if you want nice things then get a second job. I worked three jobs in my early 20s. No kids, loads of energy and I liked to travel so I had a full time job, a saturday job and a bar job. I had loads of money and went on about 5 or 6 trips a year paid for by my own hard work.

It’s not hard to between them save 4-5k. They’re living at home and have had long enough to plan for it

He struggled with being left?! Is he usually entitled?

It's not your responsibility to fund a grown adult man to go on your family holiday!
Time for her to decide if she wants to go on that family holiday or not, or would rather save for her own holiday with him.

I say this as the mum of 3 and we do a similar major holiday every 2-3yrs. I wouldn't dream of paying for my eldest's boyfriend and they've been together for 4 years and both still live at home with respective parents. They have their smaller trips away together and DD also self funds trips with her friends.

Where does it end? What happens when your youngest also gets a partner?

Yes to all of this.