If I can't pay for dd's boyfriend

[Fillyourdreams]

Dd has been in a relationship for a couple of years now. Both are early 20's and still live with parents. As a family we go on luxury holidays every 2 - 3 yrs budget allowing. We work extremely hard and both of us do extra overtime to pay for the holidays we love.
Dd contributes a fair amount which we work out based on her current salary. Her younger sister we obviously pay for in full as she isn't yet working.
We are now looking at going long haul this summer and within our budget we can do everything we want to do.
But as time goes on I feel really bad for dd's boyfriend. I think he would like to come with us but we cannot afford to pay for him too and he is not in a financial position to pay for himself either. Nothing is booked yet and I know dd really wants to come but also.know last time we went her boyfriend struggled being left. We go for around 3 weeks.
Is it awful to leave him or should we try and save more to take him too (this would mean delaying 18 mths ish). Especially if they end up moving in together in next few months.
I hate leaving him out but for us to pay for an extra adult is really difficult. Wwyd?

Price up what the holiday will cost if the boyfriend doesn't come, and your dd comes solo and pays her share in the way you previously calculated (option 1)

Price up what the holiday will cost if you go with just your younger dd and you older child doesn't come (option 2)

Price up what the holiday will cost if the boyfriend comes too (option 3) and dd and her boyf together pay an amount equal to the contribution she'd make anyway for option 1, plus the price difference between option 3 and option 1 which is the cost of boyf joining.

Then ask dd and her boyf to decide. They may be willing to take on overtime or make other sacrifices to afford option3. Or they may feel they will get more enjoyment from using the contribution dd would make in option 1 to instead have a budget holiday for both of them, leaving you with option 2. Or they may decide that they are happy to holiday separately and stick to option 1.

You shouldn't offer to pay for him though. It's not appropriate.

To be honest I wouldn’t be paying for the daughter either…if you’re rolling in it then fine, but not if you are having to do over time to cover it. She’s an adult.
I can also see why the boyfriend is put out by her being away for 3 weeks. If that were me I wouldn’t be left with enough holiday to also go away with the boyfriend. she’d be choosing time away with you over him…
Time to cut the apron strings and let her stand on her own 2 feet. If you feel too guilty maybe bung them a contribution to their own holiday.

I’d worry about a young man who struggles to live without his girlfriend for 3 weeks. He lives with his parents, he’s hardly alone in an unfurnished bedsit.

It’s madness to think of funding him to come on a luxury holiday, OP. I know of many parents who don’t even fund their own adult DC to come on family holidays! Bring your DD, enjoy the family time and the two of them can book something cheaper together earlier/later in the summer like pretty much every other early 20s couple.

Of course he wants to join your exotic holiday or rather wants your daughter to choose him over the holiday.

But here is the thing. They are adults and so quite frankly this is your daughters decision to make and not yours and you shouldn't feel guilty about it as having raised your children and worked hard, you are entitled to treat yourselves. He has many years to come in which he can make the same sacrifices.

And the options for your eldest daughter are:-

1. She takes advantage of your subsidy and enjoys an extravagant holiday with her family, leaving him behind. (this option is probably why he is dismayed to be left behind as its a window into the stage their relationship is at, but that is her problem not yours)
2. She and her boyfriend could have worked together in funding his attendance on the holiday, your daughter knew it would happen but failed to do so - this is not your fault, its theirs.
3. Or finally, she decides not to join the family holiday and perhaps opts to go on a cheaper holiday with her boyfriend. Will she put her desire to spend time with him above the chance of an exotic holiday? Again this is her choice to be made not yours.

Which ever she decides, she needs to communicate that to her boyfriend and stop making you feel guilty (intentionally or not). At her age most parents would expect them to fund their full holiday.

Delaying your holiday or downgrading to fund him is unfair on you and your youngest and you need to stop feeling responsible. With adulthood, comes the need to plan and take responsibility and this isn't an inexpensive trip is it?

How exactly does this 20 something adult man " struggle" when his GF goes on holiday?

Sounds to me like there could be some kind of guilt tripping going on here if either your DD or the BF are using this kind of language.

If he really cares for her, he should be happy for her to enjoy herself with her family not being all emotional about it. It's only three weeks!!

You want to delay your family holiday by 18 months so you can take your daughter's boyfriend so he's not on his own for 3 weeks?! Are you for real?? Don't be so daft.

I wouldn't have dreamed of expecting a boyfriend's parents to pay for me to go on holiday with them at that age! You have no reason to feel guilty, 3 weeks apart isn't so terrible and it's nice to spend time with just your own kids!

A normal young couple plan a holiday together within their budget. Because you’re wealthy, you’re whisking her off somewhere expensive for 3 weeks and he gets no holiday with his girlfriend.

I don’t agree with all the posters saying he’s unreasonable to be a bit miffed about this.

Basically, it’s your daughter’s responsibility to step up: expensive holiday bank-rolled by wealthy parents, leave boyfriend behind, or affordable holiday with boyfriend.

If she chooses the former, I’d be advising him to dump her.

If he can't cope with his girlfriend going away without him for a few weeks, it suggests their relationship isn't that strong or he doesnt trust her.

You don't need to feel obliged to pay for him or delay your own holiday for over a year, that's crazy. Just ask your DD if she still wants to join the family holiday or if these days, now she's older, she'd rather go on a different holiday with her boyfriend. There will come a time when she holidays with a partner instead of her parents - the time may have come.

If she still wants to come with you on a luxury trip and she's happy to leave her boyfriend at home, he'll just have to suck it up.

If she still wants to come with you on a luxury trip and she's happy to leave her boyfriend at home, he'll just have to suck it up

Or dump her, which is what I would advise him.

How does her DD going on holiday with her family stop her from going on a cheaper holiday with him?

And why would you advise someone to dump their partner for going on holiday either their family?

Not horrible at all. I think time with just your family is really important.

Because they’re in their 20s, and it’s time for her to choose where her loyalties lie.

but also.know last time we went her boyfriend struggled being left.

What does this even mean? Struggled how? She went on holiday without him, what’s the big deal?

I would be giving serious eyebrow to a young man who “struggled” so much with his girlfriend going away on an expensive family holiday that her parents started to feel some kind of obligation to offer to pay for him to cone on the next one too.

How does her DD going on holiday with her family stop her from going on a cheaper holiday with him?

Because it’s for 3 weeks which is going to be most of her holiday allocation.

Her family is still her family, he’s her partner. They aren’t in competition.

Oh give over.
She's their twenty something daughter not some medieval chattel who has to pick a side Game Of Thrones style.

If he wants to go on holiday then he works extra shifts or gets an extra job on the side like the rest of us do to earn more money! He’s already being coddled by his parents by living with them still at his age!

I know dd really wants to come but also.know last time we went her boyfriend struggled being left.

🚩🚩🚩🚩.

Depends on what she does for a living and how much holiday she gets. She might be a teacher. She might (like me) get 35 days.

And even if she only gets the minimum 5.6 weeks, she still has almost half her holiday entitlement left.

There is nothing stopping them from going on holiday together.

He's in his 20s, living at home and can't afford to pay for a holiday ! Get real. My ds is 17, works 6 hours a week and has just paid for his own ski trip.

The boyfriend needs to learn to manage a budget, put in some overtime, save up. It's not hard.
I wouldn't feel guilty at all. He's a grown man.

if he's still living at home, so presumably doesn't have huge living expenses, what exactly is he spending his wage on that he can't afford a holiday? How do he and your dd ever plan on moving out if between them they can't pay for one person to go on holiday?

If he wants to come/your dd wants him to come then it's for them to finance it, even if it means they don't come for the full 3 weeks.

He might be able to afford a normal holiday. He can’t afford the expensive holiday the OPs going on. This is normal for young people. Jeez, you guys are harsh.