If I can't pay for dd's boyfriend

[Fillyourdreams]

Dd has been in a relationship for a couple of years now. Both are early 20's and still live with parents. As a family we go on luxury holidays every 2 - 3 yrs budget allowing. We work extremely hard and both of us do extra overtime to pay for the holidays we love.
Dd contributes a fair amount which we work out based on her current salary. Her younger sister we obviously pay for in full as she isn't yet working.
We are now looking at going long haul this summer and within our budget we can do everything we want to do.
But as time goes on I feel really bad for dd's boyfriend. I think he would like to come with us but we cannot afford to pay for him too and he is not in a financial position to pay for himself either. Nothing is booked yet and I know dd really wants to come but also.know last time we went her boyfriend struggled being left. We go for around 3 weeks.
Is it awful to leave him or should we try and save more to take him too (this would mean delaying 18 mths ish). Especially if they end up moving in together in next few months.
I hate leaving him out but for us to pay for an extra adult is really difficult. Wwyd?

No one is forcing the DD to use her AL to go on this holiday. No one is forcing her to leave her BF behind. She is choosing to do both of those things.

Offer the holiday to DD and anything that happens after that is up to her. If she chooses to go and he feels left out, thats on her. If she chooses to stay behind with him, also on her. The only time I would be concerned is if he was putting a lot of pressure on to her about it, which doesnt seem to be the case.

Why did DDs boyfriend struggle when DD went on holiday last time? Struggle with what? I'm assuming she's not his carer?

I wouldn't sacrifice the whole families holiday this year just to pay for a boyfriend. They are adults in their 20s with jobs and living with parents. Down to them if they prioritise affording to go on this holiday or not. If the boyfriend prioritises it then he can afford to join. If not then your DD can also decide if she wants to prioritise a holiday with her family or use funds for a more affordable couples holiday.

Your younger child who doesn't have those options shouldn't have to go without for an adult sibling's partner

They have facebook whatsapp and lots of other ways to communicate over 3 weeks. This may be your last big holiday as a family so enjoy it.

Your daughter can spend future holidays with her boyfriend which is normal at her age.

Pay for a boyfriend in their 20s .?? No way . Especially if I couldn't easily afford it . He'd have to be a long term or husband before I would even want him on a 3 week holiday at all. Even if I wasn't paying !
I would hate my 20 year daughter to feel pressured by a man to choose not to go because he " struggled " . Emotional blackmail not attractive in a partner and I don't think I could be pleasant around him .

Surely a woman in her 20s in a long term relationship would be using the bulk of her holiday entitlement to go away on holiday with her boyfriend?

That. You're considering delaying for 18 months for him? That's madness. They might well no longer be together by then. Or at that age, they're likely to have matured enough to want to do their own thing rather than hanging around with you. So you'd have delayed for nothing.

I can’t believe that you’re willing to postpone a family holiday because your daughter’s boyfriend can’t afford to pay for himself. If you do postpone the holiday, I suppose it gives him time to save up for himself when you eventually go.
Either your daughter goes on holiday with you or stays home with her boyfriend. Either way the boyfriend should cope, it’s a bit weird that he struggles when she goes away. That sounds v needy.

My son's girlfriend lives with us and I wouldn't think of taking her on holiday.
Tbf, they go on their own holidays which they pay for out of their own pitiful apprentice salaries.

@Fillyourdreams Nothing is booked yet and I know dd really wants to come but also.know last time we went her boyfriend struggled being left.

Sorry, he struggled being away from his girlfriend... for a whole 3 weeks? Sounds very odd.

Just go on holiday with DD. It's a family holiday, the boyfriend does not need to come along too.

Maybe do something more affordable and he can contribute and come along. It’s a tough one as you’ll probably feel he should be there when you go

This.
If your older daughter would rather not go, thats fine.
Do not change the plans you have and your younger daughters experience for the boyfriend of another daughter.
Really weird to consider doing this to be honest.
Older daughter goes or doesn't, boyfriend doesn't enter the equation frankly.

Why should the rest of the family (including the other DD) have to have a lesser holiday just so that a boyfriend (who might not even be the boyfriend by then) can come too?

At her age she should be paying for her own holiday. I went on my first holiday without family with a friend when I was 19. I was only working part time but managed to save up.

What am I reading?! Of course you don't need to feel bad, for not funding a luxury holiday for a grown man! You sound lovely OP, but you're definitely worrying too much - just go on your holiday without guilt. If he "struggles" with not getting a free holiday 🤨 that's also not your problem, and is frankly a ridiculous feeling for a grown adult to have.

Isn't he with her all the time, when you re not on holiday? 🙄

It sounds a bit like your DD is trying to guilt trip you into paying for her boyfriend too.

You are not “leaving him out”, he isn’t your child.

No I wouldn't pay for him or delay the holiday until you or he have saved up. He's not a member of your family and may not be around in a year or two. I wouldn't be impressed either with a boyfriend who 'struggled' to be left behind. In any case, your dd and he can decide to go on their own (cheaper) holiday if she cares about him missing her so much.

So many assumptions about this young man who quite possibly doesn't even care that much either way! Your perception of him struggling last time might not even be the case. He probably just missed her a bit. My mother-in-law and some of her friends are often wittering about young people in their lives - regarding their health conditions, university status, housing situations etc - and I often wonder how concerned the young people are themselves as I suspect they often really aren't! Have you even asked your adult daughter if she wants to come?

I'd be very reluctant to pay, however OP stated they both live at home. Could they be trusted to have the house all to themselves for 3 weeks? Do you have a video doorbell?

You shouldn’t even consider paying for him. Give your daughter the option of whether she comes or not.

I'm wondering why he can't save up to pay his own way, like your older daughter does. Your daughter may not be available for 3-week holidays in future, if she has a serious boyfriend who may become an 'official' partner soon, but if you can't afford to pay for him without waiting another year and a half, I'd think that's just too bad, but it's not reasonable to make everyone wait that long. He's an adult. He'll survive without his girlfriend for a few weeks, like the rest of us manage without our spouses/partners when it's unavoidable.

He struggles when she is away for three weeks?

That's a bit concerning.

What if she got a great job placement or study abroad opportunity? What if she wanted to climb mount Everest or something? Is he a boyfriend who makes her world bigger or smaller?

(Although my honest opinion is that people in their early 20s should not be spending three weeks of their precious annual leave on holidays with their parents. A week is fine. But otherwise they should be off at festivals or inter railing or hiking a long distance path or staying in hotels while backpacking across foreign lands or on weird adventures with their friends)

How much is an extra person?

No, he doesn’t need a luxury holiday paid for by his girlfriend’s parents!

He sounds quite manipulative.