to feel resentful I’ve used my AL for childcare while DH saves his for child-free time?

[CrazyCatMom]

I am absolutely knackered and so overstimulated I could scream.
Nursery is closed over Christmas, so I’ve had to book annual leave to care for my 21-month-old full time. I work in healthcare, so my job is already exhausting and emotionally draining, and this leave is meant to be precious recovery time… except it hasn’t been a break at all. It’s been relentless toddler care, no downtime, no switch-off.
Meanwhile my husband, who works in sport, has been at work every single day between Christmas and New Year. He’s deliberately saved his annual leave so he can take it later for child-free time.
What’s making this harder to swallow is that I’m the breadwinner. I earn roughly double his salary, cover the majority of the mortgage and bills, pay all of the nursery fees — and yet I’m also the one covering the bulk of the childcare, including taking annual leave when nursery is shut.
It feels like my annual leave is automatically assumed to be for childcare, while his is protected for rest and enjoyment. I know nursery closures aren’t his fault, but the imbalance feels really unfair, especially when I’m already carrying most of the financial load as well.
I’m resentful, touched-out and completely fed up with being the default parent who absorbs the impact of childcare logistics on top of everything else.
Not sure if this is an AIBU or just a vent, but I’m so tired of this dynamic and don’t know how to make it feel more equal.

You don't know because weirdly you didn't talk about all this. Why on earth not? The salary thing is a red herring, you should be splitting AL for childcare, and both having down time.

This. The money is a separate issue

What happens if you tell him you can't take annual leave then - work won't schedule it. I'd feel fine telling a white lie like this to teach an entitled selfish man to do his share. From now on, just don't. Tell him you can't so he must.

Of course your not being unreasonable

it’s just another example where both parents work yet the mother STILL carries the lions share
of the work and mental load

put him straight op
you deserve more

He doesn't clearly. He thinks its her problem.

Lots of people have said it will be even harder when DC starts school, because of having to cover the school holidays. It's true there's a lot to cover, but there are at least holiday clubs for school age children (very difficult to find for nursery age children). And because there are so many school holidays to cover you have no choice but to be organised about it. Although of course it is invariably the mum doing the organising 🙄 Myself included... but when I organise it I do split the time with DH! And he researches holiday clubs too.

I suspect that he is choosing to do this to avoid parenting. Tell him for every AL day you use for childcare, he needs to match it with an AL day so you each use an equal amount for childcare, or to pay you if he wants to skip it.

I couldn’t live like this, with someone so selfish.

This issue is only going to get more tricky once school starts. It needs to be raised and discussed properly.

@CrazyCatMom who is taking and getting DS ready for nursery tomorrow

You are not being unreasonable but for the love of god communicate with each other. I get that it sucks that it’s probably down to you to lead on the discussion around arrangements (mental load falls to women far too often) that said, I am constantly surprised by how little couples seem to communicate with each other on here. Surely when you find out the nursery is shut you sit down and discuss a plan for these days and how to make it equal between you. Communication is the key here. Being a parent is exhausting and you need to be facing this as a team. Hope you get some rest soon.

I’m afraid I have little sympathy for this if you’re not stating your case with him. I have teacher friends (female) who are in exactly this position but they allow a situation to happen where their lazy husbands take their annual leave in term time and they spend all their holiday looking after young kids. Why can’t women speak up for themselves?

He needs to take some leave for childcare, otherwise just divorce him. You'll get more time off then, especially if he insists on 50/50 custody.

This is nuts. Why did you book AL without talking to him first? It should have gone “hey DH the nursery is shut for X days, how much leave have you got? I can take Monday and Tuesday but I can’t do Thursday and Friday, can you book that off “. In an ideal world he should be asking you about this but clearly he’s a selfish fuck who is happy for you to do it all so either you put your foot down or carry on being a martyr hopping against all evidence he will magically change.

Absolutely out of order. He's taking the p!ss, basically.

YANBU to expect childcare to be split over holidays but you need to raise this. Good men who will be a partner in marriage and parenting seem few and far between. Most appear to need a nudge or a shove to consider needs other than their own.

Take some time off whilst your baby is in nursery and use it for you.

And for future holidays/sickness/closures agree now what the status quo will be.

OP, I think you need to get used to having difficult conversations with your husband about not only childcare & AL, but (as time progresses) parenting/discipline styles, housework, finances, pensions etc. Try and be mindful of the scope of his contributions to your family (sometimes it’s not readily apparent), and if it still doesn’t feel equal, be prepared to address it as factually and calmly with him as possible (with evidence if needed).

My DH and I book our shared big holidays first, then work back from there in terms of AL, keeping some spare for childcare. Everything is recorded in a shared calendar - if it’s not in the calendar it doesn’t count. We take turns with childcare, although I do end up doing more because I’m more willing. But he does all the drop off/collections atm so it works out.

You need to find your ways of communicating as a family, not only verbal but calendars, memos, records, etc.

If the husband is prepared to do his share. If hes not you cant physically force him. As mumsnetters say ltb.
He is not adding to your life.
Hes obv decided to ignore the situation so get legal advice... do a formal separation. Get nearer family who can help in any waY.

I have yet to meet a man who will proactively think about what is fair and act accordingly. He assumes you’re happy with the status quo because (presumably) you haven’t kicked off.
You need to pull rank here and lay down the law. Do what most men who are the higher earners do and say that your work is more important and more stressful, therefore he is the one who takes days off for childcare. Do not hesitate to remind him that you earn twice as much as he does.

Op either reduce your working days or tell dh you cannot be expected to keep covering childcare it’s equal responsibility he’s not a weekend dad you need to speak up but book yourself time off when dc is nursery over next few weeks to catch up on rest. Most men will happily have mum as default parent but decent men will take on there share so it’s up to you to put him straight. Other option is to cancel ur mum when he’s off but both of you should get a break.

You need to discuss this with your DH.

this is phenomenally unfair and will affect your relationship as well as your health and wellbeing

he needs to pull his weight

He needs to pull his weight or get out. Your life would be easier without him. You can afford to live without him, but it’s probably not true the other way around.

You're the breadwinner, you have the most leverage. BUT you are not wielding it properly, why are you letting this man run rings around you??

Yes it is extremely bizarre op but I can't imagine it happening tbh

I know many couples with children as mine are older so been around the block and heard many ways of parenting etc and ive actually never heard of a father saving holiday to use for child free time!

Usually once you are a parent nearly all your holiday time is to be used as a family. Or for being with your children.

Im not sure how thr situation has arisen but obviously its completely ridiculous that he thinks he can take time off without doing childcare now he is a parent.

Tbh it reveals a deep lack of commitment to oarenting and being in a partnership

I think I would raise merry hell and it would be the first & last time he'd be so selfish

Surely you’d just say that nursery is closed and you need to discuss which days each of you are covering. Same for every holiday. I never understand why some women insist on doing it all, don’t speak up and then wonder why it’s still on them years later. As for saying that he’s saving his leave for his own down time, again, surely you’d say that is to stop and you need to both get some solo leave. Also, as you’ve done all the childcare over Xmas in the daytime, why haven’t you passed your son to him when he’s got home and had some time for yourself? Act like a doormat and you’ll be treated by one by some men.

Well I for one am glad I didn’t have a mum and dad who wasted so much energy arguing over who least wanted to look after me, and definitely not something I’ll be doing. Kids pick up on feeling like they are a burden and unwanted- not cool, but seems increasingly normalised in this busy, self-centred society, sadly.