to feel resentful I’ve used my AL for childcare while DH saves his for child-free time?

[CrazyCatMom]

I am absolutely knackered and so overstimulated I could scream.
Nursery is closed over Christmas, so I’ve had to book annual leave to care for my 21-month-old full time. I work in healthcare, so my job is already exhausting and emotionally draining, and this leave is meant to be precious recovery time… except it hasn’t been a break at all. It’s been relentless toddler care, no downtime, no switch-off.
Meanwhile my husband, who works in sport, has been at work every single day between Christmas and New Year. He’s deliberately saved his annual leave so he can take it later for child-free time.
What’s making this harder to swallow is that I’m the breadwinner. I earn roughly double his salary, cover the majority of the mortgage and bills, pay all of the nursery fees — and yet I’m also the one covering the bulk of the childcare, including taking annual leave when nursery is shut.
It feels like my annual leave is automatically assumed to be for childcare, while his is protected for rest and enjoyment. I know nursery closures aren’t his fault, but the imbalance feels really unfair, especially when I’m already carrying most of the financial load as well.
I’m resentful, touched-out and completely fed up with being the default parent who absorbs the impact of childcare logistics on top of everything else.
Not sure if this is an AIBU or just a vent, but I’m so tired of this dynamic and don’t know how to make it feel more equal.

Tbh I think you are being very unreasonable because you didn't discuss it with your partner in advance and plan it together. Surely you should plan to have time off as a family, and some days when one works and the other does childcare, other days when it's the other way around. It's not rocket science, it's how you manage nursery/school holidays as parents.

YANBU but you need to rant at him rather than on here! Sit down with him and make a plan for what leave needs covering and agree who will do what and when.

I expect you've collectively discussed and agreed ways of working? He won't know if you don't discuss and communicate....

This is just poor planning by you both. To be honest isn’t is best to spread annual leave for childcare between the two of you. For example if child is sick, it will be his turn to take leave.

I feel really sad for the child that neither parent wants to take time off work to spend with them.

😭😭😭 girl what just leave?!?!?!

Stop assuming, get out the calendar with him and work out which days he needs to book off for child care.

Don’t let him take you for a mug again.

The split here is obviously unfair, but I feel like this is parenthood. I have done either work or childcare every day since my daughter was born 11 years ago. My husband shares the load equally, but as we want some time as a family and both work full time, I get minimal me time - an evening with friends every few weeks and some exercise time is it.

Not much of a husband. A stubborn selfish person either by nature or purpose is hard to deal with. Get some gloves and a punchbag and get your range out....my best wishes. Can you move near your family ?

So you didn’t sit down with him to work out which days you would cover and which days he would? Why not?

"I can't understand why women put up with this nonsense, instead of having a conversation about it."

Absolutely this.

Stop whinging and talk to him!

Thank your lucky stars you’re not a single parent

This is how the conversation should have gone: "So you know the nursery is closed for 8 days right? So I'll take 4 as annual leave to look after DS and you take the other four. Which do you want to take? Monday to Thursday? OK, cool." Don't let it happen again.

Sir him sown. Tell him you resent that he hasn't pulled his weight. You feel let down and like you're a single parent. That in future he is responsible for taking time out of work for childcare becuase since you are the breadwinner you can't risk your wage. You pull yourself together, take some initiative and act like a parent in this house.

Your mistake was assuming he'd understand that he's a grown up and would sort this himself without you having to talk about it. Quite frankly, even the best of men need telling what they're expected to do. My partner is bloody fantastic but I think men just easily fall into the role of your teenage child if you allow it. I'd say very very few women in the world would say their partner has volunteered his annual leave for childcare without prompting.

You need to have the discussion now. Get it 100% equal before he starts school or you’ll be doing it all and worrying about childcare.

What you’ve said is worse. Hope your children don’t read it in the future!

Rather a single mother than a married single mother.

Stop being a doormat and just tell him to book his holidays for the next nursery holidays. I’m not even sure how this is a problem. Use your words.

I think this is your first realisation that your husband is really very selfish and that he’s not enjoying his new domestic set up as much as he thought he might do. At the start of your maternity leave, he should have sat down with you and both of you should have worked together to decide who is taking leave on what days to cover your childcare needs. This is not something that you should be either asking for him to do, or something you feel hesitant to discuss with him. In case he’s forgotten, he’s now a parent, which means a reduction in his ‘me’ time.

Sit him down after dinner tomorrow and tell him that you’ve just realised that you’ve booked all of your annual leave for childcare, so will he be booking his al to join you? Or is he planning on covering you so you can both have some time to yourselves? Those are his two choices.

If he has any ideas about a lads holiday, or spending a week at home faffing about and putting up the odd shelf while your baby is in childcare and you’re working your socks off to support him, then you’ve got some serious choices to make about your future.

Going forward you need to sit down with the dates that’s needed to be covered and agree who’s taking what and split it evenly.

You shouldn't have shouldered all of the responsibility. Equally, he shouldn't have let you. You need to have a big conversation with concrete decisions made. This can't continue.

YANBU

I'd sit him down and tell him how disappointed you are that he didn't take any annual leave off over the festive period for childcare or quality family time. Tell him how that it was deeply unfair of him to not do his share of parenting which left you without any rest and recovery days from your job.

Then I'd tell him that this will not be happening again, have the calendar out and tell him from now on, all time off nursery/school will be split between you 50/50.

See what his reaction is. If he fights this or generally opts out of being a father, then you know what type of man this is, and you're better off going it alone.

If he's mortified when he realises, after you've clearly spelt out the unfairness of it, then you stand a good chance of him stepping up and not being so inconsiderate in future. Sometimes men just don't bloody think, but sometimes they are bloody conniving and deliberately check out of parenting/childcare.

Well of course it's unfair.

So we've established he's not a mind reader.

Perhaps he thinks you wanted to do all the childcare? Perhaps he's a sneaky, selfish knobber who deliberately didn't offer? Perhaps he hasn't even realised you were doing the childcare and is clueless? Perhaps he really wanted some time with your kid and thinks you're selfish for hogging him?

You don't know because weirdly you didn't talk about all this. Why on earth not? The salary thing is a red herring, you should be splitting AL for childcare, and both having down time.

Edit: Erm, I just saw you pay ALL the childcare? No wonder he thinks it's your responsibility to use your AL. Educate him! You earn more, so yes you pay more proportionally for mortgage, bills, childcare, etc., so you both get the same spending money. But you don't pay ALL THE CHILDCARE. Have that conversation as well as the AL one and ASAP.

bollocks to that. They know that i had difficulties when they were small.

At least i'm honest and don't try to guilt trip people posting sanctimonious shit about how all mothers should behave.

I would always choose to spend all of my annual leave with my kids. I spend enough time working, I don’t want to spend more time away from them (and yes, it was the same when they were toddlers).