to feel resentful I’ve used my AL for childcare while DH saves his for child-free time?

[CrazyCatMom]

I am absolutely knackered and so overstimulated I could scream.
Nursery is closed over Christmas, so I’ve had to book annual leave to care for my 21-month-old full time. I work in healthcare, so my job is already exhausting and emotionally draining, and this leave is meant to be precious recovery time… except it hasn’t been a break at all. It’s been relentless toddler care, no downtime, no switch-off.
Meanwhile my husband, who works in sport, has been at work every single day between Christmas and New Year. He’s deliberately saved his annual leave so he can take it later for child-free time.
What’s making this harder to swallow is that I’m the breadwinner. I earn roughly double his salary, cover the majority of the mortgage and bills, pay all of the nursery fees — and yet I’m also the one covering the bulk of the childcare, including taking annual leave when nursery is shut.
It feels like my annual leave is automatically assumed to be for childcare, while his is protected for rest and enjoyment. I know nursery closures aren’t his fault, but the imbalance feels really unfair, especially when I’m already carrying most of the financial load as well.
I’m resentful, touched-out and completely fed up with being the default parent who absorbs the impact of childcare logistics on top of everything else.
Not sure if this is an AIBU or just a vent, but I’m so tired of this dynamic and don’t know how to make it feel more equal.

The issue here is the assumption.

Get a calendar, set out when nursery is closed throughout the year, and tell DH when he is booking annual leave to cover childcare. You have done X days over Christmas, so he will need to do the equivalent over the rest of the year. You both need time to rest and it should be equal.

Have a conversation setting out all of the above and that his behaviour this Christmas is not to be repeated. It is extremely disappointing that he is leaving you to raise this discussion as he will clearly be able to see you are spending your annual leave NOT resting, and he has failed to even remotely consider your needs. He is not behaving like a partner and you won’t accept this behaviour going forward.

I'm not surprised your mum has form for being horrible to y ou. You need to recognise she's the issue. Not you. She was probably jealous of your new baby and the attention you were getting. You made the right decision . There is no prize for endless suffering. The prize is delivering safely and in the best way possible Which is what you did . Congratulations and enjoy your baby

Of course YANBU....your child belongs to both of you, so unless one gets drastically more annual leave than the other, days off for childcare should be split equally.

My husband just gets told what days he needs to book off work each school holiday, as I plan it all out and split it out fairly 🤷‍♀️

As with many men, he has not let marriage and children impact his life at all. He has allowed you to run yourself ragged and hasn’t stepped in to help you. I’d very clearly lay out for him that if this is the best level of “partnership” he’s able or willing to offer then it’s more beneficial for you to divorce him and split childcare and costs 50/50.

YOU AND YOUR HUSBAND ACTUALLY HAVE TO START TALKING TO EACH OTHER!

Assumptions can only be made if arrangements aren't actually made between the two of you. When did you discuss the Christmas holidays? Did you discuss Christmas holidays? It doesn't seem to me (from what you've written, that's all I've got to go on) that he assumed you were doing it all and you didn't tell him otherwise. That has to change. Now.

You need to sit him down and point out the bleedin' obvious here. Shared child. Shared responsibilities. Shared free time. You need to start talking.

You need to explain it to your husband just as you’ve explained it here. Make sure you agree that you both get the same amount of annual leave for childfree days and the same amount to cover childcare. It’s completely unfair that you don’t get a proper break but he does.

'You can either start pulling your weight, or we can get divorced.'

I’m also the higher earner, I do pretty much all the admin and my annual leave is used for childcare. And my eldest is 7.

This week I’m on A/L and DH has worked. Neither of us discussed it so that is partly on me. But DH never even considers school holidays he literally doesn’t know when they are. He also doesn’t know how much our mortgage is etc.

He does however know how to plan a lads weekend away and organise golf. Suddenly his organisational skills get very good indeed!

I feel I’m being taken for a mug and we had an (another) conversation today where he again agreed with me that he needs to do better but then probably don’t.

And it’s not that I expect loads of me time or never want to see my kids. I want some me time if DH is getting plenty and I want a proper partnership where I’m not living with a fecking passenger princess who doesn’t know how much the bloody mortgage is.

So I guess I’m saying you’re not alone & tackle it now!

what have you said to him??? I’d march in and say don’t think I haven’t noticed you carefully arranging work and leave for as little family time as possible and no solo parenting time, why don’t you just ask for a divorce if you don’t want us in your life? If that’s not your plan you have 24 hours to come up with your plan to give me some childfree days too, even if that is using up your own precious annual leave, and your plan also needs to include how you’re going to make me feel appreciated for using all my leave for our child and handling all the days our child is at home and being their only parent who makes sure someone is caring for them, and you’d better be convincing. The next day we don’t have nursery is your annual leave day to look after our child , I’m not your unpaid nanny any more. Then you walk out.

This is completely insane. You need to talk to your DH and see if there's some sort of miscommunication here because this is not ok.

I think you are being unreasonable, you could have discussed this with your husband rather being a martyr

Def unfair. He is selfish

if your child is ill who take time off ? Guessing you

You should have said to him to book time off and split it

if you are the breadwinner and double his salary you must earn well

maybe think of a temp nanny for Christmas this year for a few days

This doesn’t sound like a marriage at all

Also - why would you not want to take annual leave together as a family and do nice things with the kids? It’s all about balance and compromise.

This is not an equal partnership - I’d leave my husband if he refused to take annual leave with me and the kids. Clearly doesn’t want to be apart of the family.

Your husband is a dickhead and you've been an utter doormat to have agreed to this. Childcare should fall equally on both of you. He owes you a fair share of child-free rest days. If he can earn extra by taking overtime shifts, he can start doing that to build up credit so that you can take a couple of weeks of unpaid leave while nursery is open in order to actually have the break you need.

You're his sugar mummy OP, time to close the purse & let him fend for himself!

He is the one who is working during nursery holidays so surely he should have been the one to bring it up before he committed to that?

She’s also by far the higher earner so maybe she deserves some respect for that instead of it been taken for granted?

Tell him it’s not on and it’s not happening again.

You need to tell him his leave has to be used for childcare. He should have covered half the time nursery was closed. Why didn’t you tell him that? Stop being the default caregiver. I certainly would be taking some child free time for yourself when he is home.

You're going to have to talk to him and tell him how grossly unfair he's been this week.

Your DH is selfish.
It shouldn't have to be up to you to arrange which days he takes off to share the childcare - HE should be doing this automatically.
He has chosen to work every day since Xmas.

Sit down with him when you are calm and say you need to share childcare for all future annual leave and whenever the creche is closed.

As others have said, sit down with your diaries and plan who is taking AL when. Plan to cover time when nursery is closed and also plan when you’ll both be off together to do family things. It sounds as if gp are also happy to help, so book them in advance too. Nursery is closed far less than school, so you MUST get this sorted before your little one starts school. Make sure you both have some AL days to use as you wish - as a couple and separately. Take the initiative, but do it together. You’re both parents, but if someone willingly takes up the slack, it’s easy to let them. Remember you promote what you permit, so make sure you don’t permit a situation that causes resentment.

Give the selfish twat a HUGE list of things to do around the house for his week off and have ready what you are going to say to him when you blast him if he dares complain about it.

Stop enabling his behaviour by being a martyr to the childcare.
As of 2026 you work out how many days annual leave is required to cover childcare when nursery is closed and you split it 50/50. Non negotiable moving forwards

Talk to your husband about this.
He is your husband, the love of your life and your best friend.
And you are the love of his life and his best friend.
Talk to him and make a plan for the future together, a plan for your life together, the care of your child, and your respective jobs.

Just inform him that from now on, childcare is to be shared 50/50. Calmly ask to go through both of your leave calendars plus your child’s nursery calendar and work out who should take leave when 🤷‍♀️