Am I Unreasonable To Be Surprised That 6 Friends Sent Me Happy New Year Messages Even Though My Daughter Has Just Died

[LadyMacbethWasFierce]

My beloved daughter died, totally unexpectedly, aged 24, on 29 October.

We are demented with grief over the loss of her.

DH and I and our other 2 younger children went to Morocco over Christmas to escape the UK. We arrived home and we all went to bed early last night.

I was surprised, upon waking this morning, to find 6 Happy New Year messages via text and WhatsApp (I am not on any other SM). Those were in addition to some other very finely judged messages of support. All the generic messages came from people who knew of the death of our daughter and 3 of them were from really close friends who had been particularly supportive.

I am sure that the messages were sent out to lots of people and I was not specifically chosen. But if you had a very close friend who had lost a child recently, would you take some care not to send a message like that?

I recognise I am hugely emotional and might well be unreasonable to be surprised and a bit upset about this.

I am not going to say anything to these people about it and I shall carry on with them as before. I did find it a bit crass though and slightly upsetting to wake this morning to those messages.

I don’t mind being told I am unreasonable. But please be kind. I am very fragile at the moment.

I think YABU

I would wrongly or rightly assume that you’d want me to act normal and include you in things I normally would.

I couldn’t imagine not send a happy new years text to someone just because they had lost a loved one.
In my mind that would be cruel.

If I had a birthday or wedding etc I would send an invite and act as normally as possible as I’d assume that’s what they would want.
If they turned around and said they couldn’t come or had to cancel then I’d be completely understanding.

I would also send happy birthday, happy Christmas and happy new year messages.

I think you need to understand that these weren’t sent maliciously and they sent them because they care for you.
Whether it was appropriate or not is personal preference but I would let it go.

Sorry for your loss 💐

You must be so full of pain, and that seeks an outlet. So it's completely normal to react strongly to the missteps of others.
I think its right not to mention it, as its the kind of thing you get perspective on, and realise is a thimble full in the ocean of your grief, and not worth the awkwardness of the conversation.
Wishing you strength and peace.

You are not unreasonable. It would have been better had they not said anything; no doubt you heard from them over Christmas and that would have been enough.

I sent two Christmas cards to people who were bereaved last year and particularly chose simple cards that said, "Thinking of you this Christmas", no 'Merries', or 'Happies'.

However you know they meant no harm, no doubt sent out a batch of messages, so try not to dwell on it.

I do hope things improve for you and your famiily over the next year. You are travelling a hard road.

x

I’m so sorry for the loss of your DD and what you’re going through.

YANBU at all. “Thinking of you this New Year” for example would have been fine.

Sending you much love.

Unbelievable!
You have obviously never lost a loved one.

I am very sorry for your loss.

Last year, DF died in mid December. I was very close to him. Some people still wished Me a merry Christmas a week later, and then a happy new year. I couldn't bring myself to say it back to them.

OP, I’m very sorry about your daughter. What a horrific loss for you.

I had a really difficult, sudden, unexpected, and (legally) complex bereavement in 2023. It completely changed our lives. I remember thinking I was coping ok and then new years hit me like a tonne of bricks. I know grief is different for everyone, but it was the fact that we were going into a year where my family member wouldn’t exist that really got me. I was never the biggest NYE fan anyway, but this really added a layer.

We were lucky that year, so many good friends swayed away from the usual Christmas cards and sent us more considerate notes and “thinking of you” messages. Most did the same for new years- messages along the line of ”thinking of you, and hoping next year brings answers and comfort”. We had a few generic messages complete with emojis but didn’t dwell too much.

I’m lucky I had friends who were willing to tiptoe around me when I needed it. It really made a difference.

I entirely see where you’re coming from but I think a shocking bereavement can almost punctuate your life- everything becomes split into “before” and “after”. Unless people have experienced it themselves (and even then, time can dull the recollection), I don’t think it registers with them.

It’s insensitively rather than malice.

Sorry again for your loss. I was going to wish you a 2026 that was better than 2025, but your loss is so recent that I expect you have a long road ahead. Mind yourself xx

So sorry for your loss OP. I’ve just been struggling to write a suitable message to a recently bereaved friend but what you received sounds insensitive.

People can be very insensitive. My darling son died from cancer at a very young age. Somehow, my relative and partner thought it would "cheer me up" to keep bringing their 2 young kids round and not stop them running into his bedroom and playing with all his things. I love them dearly and it wasn't the children's fault but my boy had only just passed away and I didn't want other young children in the house, playing with his toys, me having to pretend to be cheerful with them etc I'm so sorry for your loss.

It’s not self absorbed to point out that the world doesn’t revolve around one person’s tragedy. Too many people are willing to take offence at the slightest misstep rather than be grateful for loyal loving friends who are trying clumsily to connect.

Awwww mate that's awful. I'm so sorry. 😢 Losing a child is one of the worst things that can happen to anyone. I'm sure they didn't mean anything bad, but they really should have been more thoughtful and sensitive. 'I hope you're OK, and that 2026 brings peace for you' may have been better (something like this.) They were probably all rat-arsed, and didn't think it through.

But yeah YANBU at all. Look after yourself. 😘

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I'm so sorry for your loss @LadyMacbethWasFierce. Like others, I suspect it was a lack of thought when sending an all contacts message (I hate those) rather than ill-intent - especially since you mention some of them had been particularly supportive.

I once behaved insensitively in a bereavement situation and still feel awful about it years later. An older friend of the family had been widowed about six months before Thanksgiving. She's an American living in London, as are we, so I invited her to our Thanksgiving dinner. It's tradition to go around the table and name something each person is thankful for, and when it got to the person seated next to her and I saw her face, I wanted to sink under the table. I did apologise afterward, but I know it had to have been an awful moment for her.

Not comparable to your situation as there can't be anything even close to losing a child.

@Lotsnlotsoflove I really hope that when my therapy starts at the end of this month it might help me to navigate these sorts of situations. I need to try to function better - for the sake of DH and my other children. I was considered too unwell to start therapy any sooner as dealing with my acute suicidal ideation in the first few weeks was the priority rather than navigating life more generally. And it’s unusual to commence focussed therapy before the 3 month mark (or possibly even later).

I understand that in time I cannot expect people to have my loss at the forefront of their minds. My question was really about this year, it being so recent.

I am grateful for the range of views that, almost universally, have been gently expressed.

And I am also grateful to those who have shared their personal stories and my heart goes out to others who are also bereaved.

the alternative isn’t to just ignore though is it - the alternative is a more appropriate message - doesn’t need to be a deep long message either. Sending happy new year to a mother who lost a child 2 months ago is just insensitive I think.

Im so sorry @LadyMacbethWasFierce.

I agree these messages are so utterly thoughtless. I'd rather have received nothing than this.

This. ^ A few of the posts on here are shocking.

I don't think you are unreasonable either. I would have struggled hugely with that in the first NY after my daughter's death. Grief is raw. It's not hard for people to take a moment to think about composing something more sensitive and thoughtful. I am so sorry to hear about the loss of your daughter. Wishing you gentle days ahead.

Words fail me, I think I will have to stop reading this thread as I cannot comprehend the insensitivity of people, totally unbelievable.

YNBU, I would have sent a message saying ' Remembering (name) today and every day. With love. ' No other greeting just an acknowledgement that we hadn't forgotten your dear daughter.
We are very poor in dealing with grief in the UK. In the past there were far more rituals that guided us, we have lost them and, in losing them have lost the words to say.
I am so sorry for your loss, I hope you find comfort and peace. May her memory be a blessing forever.

I would be uber careful with Christmas and New Year greetings to people I know who had suffered a loss. Sorry for your loss and your crass friends.

That's not what the OP said. 🙄

I know right. Some people need to change ther usernames I think, as they're not matching the content of their posts!

Firstly, I am deeply sorry for your loss and Christmas would surely have been such a difficult time for you all.
It was extremely insensitive to message you wishing you Happy New Year but it might possibly have been a ‘bulk message’ for want of a better description.
Look after yourselves and one another 💐

As I said everyone is different but to me there's nothing wrong with it.

Sorry for your loss. You're not being unreasonable.
Maybe those people thought it would be worse not to send you a message than to send you one. But I think I'd have composed something else like thinking of you, instead of happy new year.