Am I Unreasonable To Be Surprised That 6 Friends Sent Me Happy New Year Messages Even Though My Daughter Has Just Died

[LadyMacbethWasFierce]

My beloved daughter died, totally unexpectedly, aged 24, on 29 October.

We are demented with grief over the loss of her.

DH and I and our other 2 younger children went to Morocco over Christmas to escape the UK. We arrived home and we all went to bed early last night.

I was surprised, upon waking this morning, to find 6 Happy New Year messages via text and WhatsApp (I am not on any other SM). Those were in addition to some other very finely judged messages of support. All the generic messages came from people who knew of the death of our daughter and 3 of them were from really close friends who had been particularly supportive.

I am sure that the messages were sent out to lots of people and I was not specifically chosen. But if you had a very close friend who had lost a child recently, would you take some care not to send a message like that?

I recognise I am hugely emotional and might well be unreasonable to be surprised and a bit upset about this.

I am not going to say anything to these people about it and I shall carry on with them as before. I did find it a bit crass though and slightly upsetting to wake this morning to those messages.

I don’t mind being told I am unreasonable. But please be kind. I am very fragile at the moment.

And thank you especially to those who thought the comment that I can’t expect people to tiptoe around me was a bit insensitive. I have to say I sort of do expect it at this stage of my grief. From people who care about me. I’d probably frame it as making adjustments for me rather than tiptoeing around me. But yes I have looked for people to make some adjustments. I know I will have to accept less consideration as time goes on but honestly at the moment it’s all so raw it feels like it all just happened yesterday.

Thank you again for the kindness.

So sorry for your loss, I don't have the right words for you but sending hugs. We can hope that at least a few of those friends realise what they did last night in the cold light of day and contact you to apologise.

They probably just clicked send all, but I still see where you are coming from. A family member died on my birthday and my friend did something really insensitive (worse than wishing my happy birthday, but it's difficult to explain what he did because there is a long backstory), and our friendship died then and there.

WTF have we become if we cannot be expected to act with sensitivity (aka "tiptoe around" if you prefer) to someone who has had a terrible bereavement?

Sorry for your loss.

I think the messages are ill-judged but I also think it is incredibly difficult to know exactly what to say following a bereavement. I’d much rather a friend sent something well meaning and got it wrong than avoided saying anything at all.

There would be other bereaved parents complaining their friend didn't send, or sent something wrong. It's difficult to know what to do around grief because everyone is so different.

No-one wished me happy new year 2025, the year following my DH dying just after new year. They have this year and I have sent out ditto. I don't send out blanket messages and I would suggest others did not either. Thoughtless and esp thoughtless if you KNOW someone has suffered a recent bereavement.
OP states others thought to send supportive messages, but did not wish an (unlikely) happy new year.

People should absolutely think more. It probably was a generic message to lots of people but come on, it only takes a minute to look through the list and decide who not to send it to.
On a similar note I see people wishing people who have died “Happy Birthday” on Facebook, again due to just being on autopilot.
Part of being human is using sensitivity around people who are in hard times.

Very thoughtless comment. I absolutely believe people SHOULD tiptoe around someone in this situation!
If not now, when?

Oh OP, I am so so sorry for your unimaginable loss.
Very dense of them but it might just be a raft of messages sent after a few drinks.
I received a few random ones this morning that seem to be block sendings too, late at night.

My son lost his best friend to a sudden illness a few years ago and I felt the worst grief of my life. I remember constantly thinking if I am this upset, how on earth are his wonderful family even breathing with their grief.
It started me back praying, that they would survive it somehow.
I wish you the strength to somehow bear this horrendous burden.
Bless you and your family.

Sorry for your loss op.

Quite honestly I think it can be really difficult to know the right things to say to people who are going through bereavement and how long for, as people deal with it in very different ways.

Someone in my life lost her sister a few weeks ago and her way of coping is to mostly carry on normal to distract her.

Could it be possible people thought differently as you went away?

Maybe contact the people who texted you to explain how you are feeling and how you would prefer them to speak to you in the coming weeks.

Don't be crazy. It was very thoughtless. Of course the IP is not being unreasonable.

OP, I expect they were thinking of you, but maybe not sufficiently aware enough in the moment to have sent a more sensitive message. (They might be cringing this morning.)

I'm so sorry, I can't imagine. Sending lots of love and a hug.

It's only two fucking months since OP lost her daughter. Of course she should expect her friends to show some care and sensitivity rather than including her in a tone-deaf generic Happy New Year message.

A friend lost their child in tragic circumstances this year. I’ve been there for her, and she called me yesterday

we wished each other HNY, but it comes with the * implication that I know Being Happy isn’t as simple as it was 6m ago and life will never be the same.

you are still raw, you still have a lot of grief to process. If you had received nothing from anyone you’d have felt lonely and forgotten

at this stage in your grief there is no logic, but please remember that those who sent you messages are very much thinking of you, and that @LadyMacbethWasFierce is absolutely vital.

my sincere condolences for your terrible loss.

YANBU at all. I'm so sorry about the loss of your daughter.

OP, it is absolutely dreadful that you lost your DD in October - there really are no words, and your friends will be hard pressed to know what best to say to you. If you were my friend, I might have hoped for a better year for you, knowing that whatever happened could hardly be worse, but equally, those who wished you a happy new year did not mean to diminish your loss in any way - they simply didn’t want you to feel forgotten. They certainly didn’t wish you happy new year to upset you.

I’m so sorry to hear about your daughter @LadyMacbethWasFierce

Some of the replies on here demonstrate just how insensitive and thoughtless people can be around NY greetings with a family suffering terrible grief and sadness. It only takes a second of thought to realise that Christmas and NY celebrations won’t be happening after such a recent bereavement.

i am so sorry for your loss
i can only imagine they had best intentions

It is difficult. I would imagine 75% of the people that know you just sent nothing to you. I think I would prefer to be thought about rather than ignored. I cannot imagine the unhappiness you are feeling right now. It is my worst nightmare.

They are probably mortified. I receive HNY’s from my plumber, it’s because he sets the message to go to all his contacts I’m guessing? Because I know a lot of people do that. I would like to think no one bas deliberately been so crass.
So very sorry for your pain

I'm so sorry. That is really tough. YANBU AT ALL and I'm sorry you had to absorb their thoughtlessness.

What would be great is if the close friends realise today and apologise, but really, this doesn't need to be a teaching moment for them. You are the most important person here and what you feel is central. Sending gentle hugs to you and your family.

I think it's difficult for people to judge sometimes. For you time has probably almost stood still and it will still be as raw as ever, for other people who it won't have affected in the same way 2 months will have passed and it's no longer at the forefront of their thoughts if they don't really see you and only keep in contact on SM.

I also think it can be hard to know what is the right thing to say after a tragedy, do you talk about it, do you just allude to it, do you say nothing, do you keep it generic? Someone suggested 'Hope 2026 is better for you' but I could see that upsetting someone as in 'how on earth will 2026 be better when my daughter isn't here?'

I know my mum wouldn't have wanted 'So sorry' type messages though as she didn't want to keep being reminded of dad's death, especially in a sad, negative way.

I think it can be very difficult for people to know what to do for the best but you are of course not being unreasonable at all.

I’m so sorry for your loss. I think it was thoughtless. I was very careful in my wording of messages to friends who have recently been bereaved or who are undergoing cancer treatment. However I don’t think they were intentionally being unkind, probably just not thinking. But very insensitive.

@LadyMacbethWasFierce I would gently suggest (as someone who once posted in AIBU when grieving), that you ask MN miss to move this thread to the bereavement forum. I can see that there are already some strikingly callous replies and I suspect that you're too raw to be able to shrug that off at the moment.
You are, of course, not being unreasonable. I'm so very, very sorry. Xx

People absolutely can and should be expected to show some consideration and thought when texting a friend who lost a child only two months ago. What a completely insensitive comment.