Am I Unreasonable To Be Surprised That 6 Friends Sent Me Happy New Year Messages Even Though My Daughter Has Just Died

[LadyMacbethWasFierce]

My beloved daughter died, totally unexpectedly, aged 24, on 29 October.

We are demented with grief over the loss of her.

DH and I and our other 2 younger children went to Morocco over Christmas to escape the UK. We arrived home and we all went to bed early last night.

I was surprised, upon waking this morning, to find 6 Happy New Year messages via text and WhatsApp (I am not on any other SM). Those were in addition to some other very finely judged messages of support. All the generic messages came from people who knew of the death of our daughter and 3 of them were from really close friends who had been particularly supportive.

I am sure that the messages were sent out to lots of people and I was not specifically chosen. But if you had a very close friend who had lost a child recently, would you take some care not to send a message like that?

I recognise I am hugely emotional and might well be unreasonable to be surprised and a bit upset about this.

I am not going to say anything to these people about it and I shall carry on with them as before. I did find it a bit crass though and slightly upsetting to wake this morning to those messages.

I don’t mind being told I am unreasonable. But please be kind. I am very fragile at the moment.

YANBU at all, people have got so fucking lazy. It shows zero consideration to send you a mass message like that. And that’s me being generous - if it wasn’t a mass message and purposely sent just to you then they are absolute numbskulls.

Hope 2026 is better for you = fine

Thinking of you = fine

Happy New Year = not fine

It is their fault and yes, they can and should be expected to behave with more sensitivity.
People need to think a bit more. Why on earth would they send OP a ‘generic message’ at this time?

I am so very sorry for your loss OP.
You are certainly not being unreasonable.

I don't think you're being unreasonable at all. People should be more thoughtful about what they send.

I'm so very sorry for your loss.

YANBU OP

I’m so sorry for the loss of your beautiful DD. 💔

The texts were thoughtless and they should have been able to have enough thought to write a simple supportive message, it doesn’t need to be long or articulate.

Nope. It’s entirely tone deaf. You can include people without making such a terrible statement. At best I would suggest this might have been a “text all” situation with no thought given.

My friend’s 16 year old son died in October. There is no world where I would wish her a happy new year.

If you really can’t figure out how to remove someone from a message-all list, then send it, then go into individual chat with OP, delete the mass message and send a personalised, considerate one. Not hard.

💯 this.

I would "tiptoe" around a friend who has lost a child.

Op - so sorry for your loss.

Not unreasonable at all. Im so sorry for your loss OP. I hope they follow up with a better message today.

Quite often people don't think especially with alcohol. I always try not to do the generic "get in furst!" Texting. One year dh was very ill in hospital all over Christmas and several relatives and friends still text saying 'hope you are having a wonderful time together' and yes they knew

So sorry for your loss, no you’re not being unreasonable that was very insensitive of them.

I am so sorry for your devastating loss.

YANBU- I wouldn’t dream of texting ‘Happy New Year!’ to a friend who had very recently been bereaved- whether it was their child or partner/parent/sibling that had died. When someone has just lost a young adult child as you have, ‘Happy New Year!’ is a ridiculous and thoughtless thing to say.

I have a friend who lost her partner to suicide recently. It would have felt really inappropriate to send generic Christmas/NY greetings in the circumstances- I knew she wouldn’t be having a ‘Happy Christmas’ so I didn’t say it. I did message her, but wrote what I hoped were sensitive and supportive messages with acknowledgment that this time of year can make people feel their grief even more acutely.

Totally. Jesus, society is in the fucking gutter.

YANBU it was thoughtless.

Oh that is thoughtless. You're not at all unreasonable. I'm so very sorry for your loss, I can't even begin to imagine your pain.

Wow!! How cold and callous can you get!

Thank you for your kind responses and the different viewpoints.

I am not going to dwell on this at all. I am just lying in bed unable to get motivated to do anything and thought I’d cast the query to the MN view.

I totally agree that they were generic messages sent to lots of people and there was no intention to be hurtful. Four of the 6 had little emojis; banners and steamers and fireworks on them and I cannot conceive anyone would have made a conscious decision to send me that - actually my daughter would have found that darkly hilarious!

I'm incredibly sorry for your awful loss, and I can understand your hurt at those seemingly thoughtless messages. They should have thought about it and sent something more personal. However, in my experience some people would appreciate the 'normality' of those kinds of messages amid their grief.

It wouldn’t occur to me that sending a happy new year message would be insensitive, or generic happy Christmas/ happy birthday etc messages as have been mentioned by other posters. I suppose I see a ‘happy new year’ message as well wishing and showing I’m thinking of someone and wouldn’t consider that it’s not okay to use the term ‘happy’ with somebody who is grieving. I can understand your viewpoint having read this thread but it wouldn’t have occurred to me and if your friends are otherwise good I wouldn’t overthink it, especially if they haven’t been through a similar bereavement, as it sounds unintentionally thoughtless and like they were trying to let you know they’re thinking of you rather than intentionally malicious.

OP I am so so sorry for the loss of your precious girl.

When my friend lost her son, I sent her a thinking of you card instead of a Christmas card. It really isn’t difficult.

They sound thoughtless, but not unkind. I’m sorry for your loss

I’m sorry for your loss.

If this was me I’d take the messages with the intent they were meant.

grief is dreadful - we are stuck within it but the world and people move on, they don’t understand- how can they though?

It can be difficult to know how to act with people experiencing grief as everyone responds to and manages grief differently. Some may want people to carry on treating them as they usually would, so sending a text at New Year in the same way they would another friend or as they did before the bereavement. Some would want significant dates to be ignored and try and let them just pass by, some would want special dates to be focused around the person they lost.
I don't think you're unreasonable to feel upset, I also don't think your friends were unreasonable to text. I am very sorry for your loss, no one should have to experience the loss of a child.

You are not unreasonable at all. Generic HNY messages are normally fine of course, but I would not send one to you if I knew you. I would send you an entirely different message acknowledging how hard it all must be for you. (I do think that people in general can be quite thoughtless and do not mean any harm. But honestly how hard is it to adapt a message when someone has just lost her daughter …) I am so, so sorry for you OP. Sending you lots of strength in this unimaginably difficult time ❤️

I am so sorry about your daughter. I can't imagine the pain you must be going through
but I'm afraid you are being unreasonable.
Perhaps all they mean is they want you to have a better 2026
I have lost several very close relatives two towards the end of the year. When people wished me a happy New year I just took it to mean they wanted me to have a better year.