Am I Unreasonable To Be Surprised That 6 Friends Sent Me Happy New Year Messages Even Though My Daughter Has Just Died

[LadyMacbethWasFierce]

My beloved daughter died, totally unexpectedly, aged 24, on 29 October.

We are demented with grief over the loss of her.

DH and I and our other 2 younger children went to Morocco over Christmas to escape the UK. We arrived home and we all went to bed early last night.

I was surprised, upon waking this morning, to find 6 Happy New Year messages via text and WhatsApp (I am not on any other SM). Those were in addition to some other very finely judged messages of support. All the generic messages came from people who knew of the death of our daughter and 3 of them were from really close friends who had been particularly supportive.

I am sure that the messages were sent out to lots of people and I was not specifically chosen. But if you had a very close friend who had lost a child recently, would you take some care not to send a message like that?

I recognise I am hugely emotional and might well be unreasonable to be surprised and a bit upset about this.

I am not going to say anything to these people about it and I shall carry on with them as before. I did find it a bit crass though and slightly upsetting to wake this morning to those messages.

I don’t mind being told I am unreasonable. But please be kind. I am very fragile at the moment.

I sympathise greatly. First Christmas after my son died I got a text from a friend wishing me a lovely day.. I was hysterical, how could she think I would have a lovely day ever again 7 months after I held my child as he died in my arms? Your emotions are real and valid, people don’t know how to deal with death and I’m afraid you’ll have no energy to deal with the people that couldn’t take the time to be gentle with your feelings especially when your grief is so raw and fragile. I’m 5 years on now, I’ve a barrier up around my heart now.
Love and strength to you ❤️🕊️

Not in the situation OP describing.
I am not going to discuss this further on this particular thread for obvious reasons. This might shock you.

My work colleague lost her father in law a few months ago. I messaged to say I hope they still managed to have a nice time over the Christmas period, although I know it would be difficult for them. YANBU.

similar messages haven’t caused us any issues.

Well done, you are obviously a far superior being to the OP then.

I’m so sorry for your loss op I can only imagine the pain you’re in at the moment.
In the past few years I have had several people close to me lose somebody suddenly and painfully and I have learnt that there is no right way to handle it as a friend. Some want space, some want constant contact even if they don’t feel able to reply to it, some people want to be treated “normally” and not tiptoed around, some want long heartfelt conversations every day. One took huge exception to the phrase “are you ok?” and ended friendships over it. None of them were wrong they were all dealing with incredible pain in their own way.

Now for what it’s worth I have sent them messages much more carefully worded than Happy New Year and I do find it a bit clumsy however I also feel that they were perhaps trying to do the right thing and include you in the good wishes as best they can.

When you feel able Op I think it would be good to talk to your friends…not moaning or being angry but just be open with them about what helps and what you find hard. The more they know, the better they can support you.

Just stop ffs.

Honestly every time in these threads. Someone makes an utterly tone deaf, callous statement then insists in msling the thread about them by arguing the toss.
Don't. Stop it.

This.

It is so horrible that this very obvious fact needs repeating.

Some posters just seem so utterly incapable of understanding so this is for them - please please if sending silly round robin emails/ generic 'yayyy happy new year messages' stop for 2 mins, think 'hmm has anyone experienced a tragedy like no other' and send them a separate message. A kind and thoughtful message if you know what that means.

Not often I read many posts on one thread that make me actually gasp in disbelief. All the people who minimised OP’s loss then doubled down on their reckless talk need to do much fucking better in life!!

Agreed ,my mum died nearly a year ago and whilst it was very sad she was 82 in poor health and it was expected, I wouldnt even begin to compare it to the unexpected loss of a child.

I am really shocked by some of the comments on this thread.
I have just got through the 9th Christmas and New year since losing my adult son.
Did I put a brave face on and get through it as best I could? Yes.
Is my heart still broken? Yes.
Do I still cry and grieve for my child every single day? Yes.
The people I keep close in my life are the ones who have a bit of compassion and emotional intelligence. The others I have minimised contact with because it is just too painful to be around them.
When you lose a child, you realise that there are people who "get it" and others who don't/can't/never will.

I say this gently, would you have felt worse if they’d said nothing at all? Or would you just have preferred an individual message? Some people don’t really know what to say in this sort of situation so think anything is better than nothing ♥️

I lost my mum very suddenly a year ago. I was very close to her and it has been very difficult, but I agree that it isn't remotely comparable to losing a child.

Losing a parent is fucking awful, but it is still in the natural order of things. There is nothing remotely natural about a parent losing a child.

I'm horrified that anyone on this thread could possibly think that the OP is unreasonable. It's utterly crass and thoughtless to send a generic "happy new year" message to someone who has experienced such a recent and devastating loss. I honestly don't understand how this is even a discussion.

An individual message would have been best, imo. But I think no message would be better than an incredibly insensitive one.

Saying that "anything is better than nothing" surely relates to the acknowledgement of someone's loss, rather than sending generic greetings. Sending a generic "happy new year" is worse than saying nothing because it is effectively ignoring the loss.

No message would have been better than a generic message.

Some of you are not ok.

Very insensitive

Yanbu at all.
There aren't any words to say that will lessen the nightmare feelings you are dealing with.
Moment by moment and hoping that you are able to find the strength you need.

I quite agree .
My mind is blown at some of the thoughtless ,crass ,heartless responses on this thread, and some of the comparisons ,i wouldn't be surprised if someone comes on to say how upset / not affected they were to receive such messages at the time they were grieving for their cat ,dog , goldfish, centipede etc
Nothing whatsoever can compare to the loss of a child , nothing.

OP take care of yourself, easier said than done, I know.
I'm very sorry for the huge tragic loss of your beautiful daughter.

@LadyMacbethWasFierce I honestly can't eloquently say how sorry I am for your loss. The pain must be unbearable, and I hope so genuinely, that you and everyone who loved your daughter so very deeply can navigate back to a place of peace. Receiving generic messages at this time of year must hurt badly, you are not being U in any way. I am in a painful and difficult situation myself with a family member that, unfortunately other family members have chosen to stay away from, and have still sent all the Christmas and NYE emojis, which I find insensitive to say the least. Receiving these after the kind of loss you have suffered is in a different league. My bosses father passed away a few years ago just before Christmas, I had the sense to spend an extra 10 seconds sending a message to her to let her know I was thinking of her without including a firework emoji, so yes, @Eyeshadow and anyone else going "hmm, but it's so hard to think of anything else to say or send" incredibly it is possible to let other people know you are thinking of them in a more personal way.
Love to you, genuinely @LadyMacbethWasFierce and of course anyone else facing loss and grief at this time x

I once gave someone at work a bereavement card. It did contain a rather syrupy poem, I confess. She was furious and never spoke to me again. What can I say? We act on our best intentions, which aren’t always aligned with the needs of the bereaved.

I get it OP as I lost ds suddenly and horribly 14 months ago. I actually announced to everyone the first Xmas that I didn't want messages reminding me of how awful I must be feeling, that he will always be with me and watch out for robins.
Luckily I have a small circle of friends who know exactly what to say and do.
It is a grief and pain like no other. You never get over it. Sending love to you x

Oh gosh, what a horrible thing to happen @LadyMacbethWasFierce. You're bound to have conflicting emotions at present. There isn't anything anyone can say to take the pain away, only alleviate it slightly as you know you are loved and she will be missed. It's incredibly raw.

They didn't mean any harm.

And you are comparing an in law to her child who OP gave birth to and nurtured for much of her life. Do not offer any more of your "advice", it isn't helpful and is cold and totally inappropriate.

Just stop and change your username as it is the opposite of what your posts have been. Apathetic and Inappropriate would suit.

Do you know what apathetic means?