Am I Unreasonable To Be Surprised That 6 Friends Sent Me Happy New Year Messages Even Though My Daughter Has Just Died

[LadyMacbethWasFierce]

My beloved daughter died, totally unexpectedly, aged 24, on 29 October.

We are demented with grief over the loss of her.

DH and I and our other 2 younger children went to Morocco over Christmas to escape the UK. We arrived home and we all went to bed early last night.

I was surprised, upon waking this morning, to find 6 Happy New Year messages via text and WhatsApp (I am not on any other SM). Those were in addition to some other very finely judged messages of support. All the generic messages came from people who knew of the death of our daughter and 3 of them were from really close friends who had been particularly supportive.

I am sure that the messages were sent out to lots of people and I was not specifically chosen. But if you had a very close friend who had lost a child recently, would you take some care not to send a message like that?

I recognise I am hugely emotional and might well be unreasonable to be surprised and a bit upset about this.

I am not going to say anything to these people about it and I shall carry on with them as before. I did find it a bit crass though and slightly upsetting to wake this morning to those messages.

I don’t mind being told I am unreasonable. But please be kind. I am very fragile at the moment.

OMG exactly!!!

OP I am so so sorry for your loss. My DD best friend was tragically killed in August aged 21. Her parents and other child are obviously bereft and it is hard to know what to say to them however sending a thoughtless generic message is so very insensitive it is untrue. I didn't want to wish them a Happy Christmas because how can it be? Yet I did not want to not acknowledge them and their loss. I can't think of anything more crass than thoughtless generic messages from people who should know better. I would be really upset too like it minimises your loss somehow.

Sending love your way x

You are not being unreasonable. They have been very thoughtless and insensitive. To lose a child is the greatest and the worst loss of all. You will never completely get over it. I am.afraid some people are a bit self absorbed and selfish, after a period of time it's not on their radar that you have suffered such a loss and expect you to join them in the "normal" world. I am sending you heartfelt condolences .

Yanbu to feel how you feel but maybe people wanted to let you know they care.

I can’t believe the insensitivity of some of these posters. The OP lost her daughter just a few short months ago so of course her friends should be ‘tiptoeing’ around her.

I have a fairly young relative who won’t see next Christmas or new year so I carefully chose a card and wrote a message which said among other things that I was thinking of them and sending love. It wasn’t difficult to avoid the whole merry Christmas and happy new year guff.

Im sorry for your loss @LadyMacbethWasFierce 💐

I am so, so sorry for your loss.

And for what it’s worth, I think it was crass and ill-judged of your friends to do that.
I have an old friend whose mother is likely to die any day now. I thought for ages about what to say as I’m pretty sure it is NOT going to be a happy new year for her. So I sent her a message to simply send my love to her and her family and that I hope she had a peaceful Christmas.

No, it’s not unreasonable at all. Sometimes I wonder if people don’t sit and think about the words of greetings automatically sent. Such as wishing someone a Happy Nee Year, or a Happy Christmas in such painful times of loss. Sending love, thinking of you etc are more appropriate. I’m so sorry for your family’s loss.

You aren't being unreasonable

But it will just have been a generic mail out to their contacts, so nothing intended.

Try to forget about it

I'm so sorry for your loss

I was messaging an acquaintance earlier this morning about a logistical arrangement. I’m aware that she lost her mother before Christmas so was careful not to add ‘happy new year/Hope you had a good Christmas’ type comments to the messages.
I even edited the above to make the ‘arrangement’ generic so as not to cause unnecessary hurt.

if I were you I might expected friends to think twice before dashing off a HNY message.

I think these will have been 'all contacts' messages. I don't really know why people send these, but they do.

So sorry for the loss of your daughter

I absolutely do think that they should NOT have sent this type of message.

Unfortunately there are many people in this world who think you should be over the death of your child and not give any consideration to an insensitive message and think you should be full of cheer just because they are.

They could have sent you something like thinking of you at this difficult time.

I am always flabbergasted at the antics of some people, just after my lovely dad died just before Christmas one year, my in-laws invited themselves for Christmas without a thought in the world.

At times like this all you can do is delete the messages, continue on how you want today whether that's staying in bed or going to visit your daughter's grave or a nice drive, People who are thoughtless don't deserve any head space.

Jesus...
Live does move on, which for significant grief can be one of the hardest times to navigate, especially the ending of the year in which you lost them. There's no moving on from some losses.
My heart goes out to you and your family. I'm so sorry.
To those that said they shouldn't have to fussy foot around you, please do better. these are her close friends and absolutely can be expected to have thought harder. Or ask if you dont know

Wishing you peace in 2026 might have been better

From the title I thought you were going to complain that only 6 of your friends wished you happy new year and everyone else has ignored you. Often when people lose a child they get annoyed that people end up just blanking them because they don't know what to say. Wishing you a happy new year is sending good wishes to you for the new year, it isnt saying I hope you are having a great time celebrating. I'd still wish someone a happy new year if they had just lost someone, the alternative is just ignoring you. Slightly drunk people aren't going to write a deep long message while out celebrating, they send quick happy new year messages anticipating happy new year back.

It's hard for them to know what the right thing to do is, you clearly aren't mad at the messages you are just at the very beginning of grieving.

OP you are so not overreacting.
It was unkind, thoughtless and totally unacceptable.
These friends are unbelievable, you have every right to feel as you do.
Even if it was sent to all of their contracts they should have removed you from receiving the message.
I cannot begin to imagine your grief and my heart goes out to you.
I hope you are well supported and you are are dealing with your grief as well as can be expected, it is very early days and everything will be extremely raw. Your friends should be aware of this and show you the compassion and empathy you deserve x

Every now and again, someone posts something that is so full of self absorption, and so utterly cold, unfeeling, insensitive and cruel, that you don’t even know where to start with it. This is a perfect example of that.

I pray that you never find yourself in a similar situation to the OP. Or even a situation where you need your friends and loved ones to treat you gently and kindly for a while, and to show some sensitivity around you. But if you do, I hope you think back to your post.

Also, saying ‘but’ after you’ve expressed sorrow for something or someone automatically cancels out that sorrow and just makes you sound even colder.

I think it’s appalling that people would be so thoughtless. Op I’m so so sorry for the terrible pain you must be feeling. I can’t begin to imagine. You deserve to have people around you who can honour that and make space to think about your needs in this utterly devastating period. Sending love and anger on your behalf at their crass behaviour

So i dont think youre unreasonable for feeling that way but I do think youre over reacting (albeit understandably)

Sadly life moves on even when it feels like it doesnt.

It is NY, it is a time for reflection and celebration and most people reach out to their friends family and loved ones. They wish them happy new year, they included you in that because you matter.

They likely do wish you a Happy New Year, no one wants to see you buried in grief alone. Of course you should be sad shocked broken, grief is the price of love.

I also suspect anger is easier and cleaner to feel than your loss. And this gives you an opportunity to feel something else.

And your friends were focused on themselves whilst drinking celebrating etc they probably werent reflecting on you specifically and the heartache and horror youve faced.

It wasnt about you, it wasnt to hurt you. They just didnt spend NYE worrying about you but they've been good loyal friends and id take the gesture as intended

RiP to your DD OP. Take comfort in the friends who love you.

I'm so sorry for your loss. I think this is something you just have to overlook or see it as them sending good wishes to a mass group. I have no idea why people do the 'send to all contacts' thing but they do. You are carrying enough without adding resentment of this to your burden so try to let it go.

I’m sorry for your loss OP. However, you are being very unreasonable. People should not have to tip toe around your grief to the point of not wishing you a happy new year. Perhaps you need to reflect on how to deal with these moments in bereavement therapy.

I think it's probably group messages or perhaps them wanting to to let you know you are in their thoughts - but being abit crass. If they are usually decent and supportive I think I'd ignore the crass message - if you've struggled with them recently, I'd keep away from them. You need to feel safe and comfortable around friends and family.

I am sorry about your daughter dying. This Christmas must have felt unbearable. I hope you've got some good support from family and friends.

People can be a bit weird and probably don't know what to do for the best and preferred to send the standard message rather than ignoring you.

I messaged my DH's cousin to let them know DH's Mum had just died a few days before Xmas and they replied saying thanks for letting me know, Merry Christmas!

Totally unbelievable, you have obviously never suffered loss.

I think you are a little unreasonable - people have no idea really how to cope with something like that.

rather than being paralysed with what to write they show they are thinking of you still using the standard formula.

but I can also understand that you feel the way you do - I can’t imagine the pain.

Awfully thoughtless to not even untick you from the contacts list. You are not unreasonable to be upset. It takes no time to draft something personal to a friend going through a lot.
I’m so bored with this receiving of generic messages and barely give a thumbs up in reply. My proper friends send and receive personal messages.
I hope this year gets better for you.

I’m so sorry, OP. You are not being unreasonable at all to expect some care from close friends when you’re only 2 months into grieving such a profound loss. They’ve been incredibly thoughtless.

There’s just no world in which sending a recently bereaved person a generic ‘Happy New Year’ message wouldn’t be insensitive and inappropriate.

Would you rather they ignored you?