Am I Unreasonable To Be Surprised That 6 Friends Sent Me Happy New Year Messages Even Though My Daughter Has Just Died

[LadyMacbethWasFierce]

My beloved daughter died, totally unexpectedly, aged 24, on 29 October.

We are demented with grief over the loss of her.

DH and I and our other 2 younger children went to Morocco over Christmas to escape the UK. We arrived home and we all went to bed early last night.

I was surprised, upon waking this morning, to find 6 Happy New Year messages via text and WhatsApp (I am not on any other SM). Those were in addition to some other very finely judged messages of support. All the generic messages came from people who knew of the death of our daughter and 3 of them were from really close friends who had been particularly supportive.

I am sure that the messages were sent out to lots of people and I was not specifically chosen. But if you had a very close friend who had lost a child recently, would you take some care not to send a message like that?

I recognise I am hugely emotional and might well be unreasonable to be surprised and a bit upset about this.

I am not going to say anything to these people about it and I shall carry on with them as before. I did find it a bit crass though and slightly upsetting to wake this morning to those messages.

I don’t mind being told I am unreasonable. But please be kind. I am very fragile at the moment.

OP doesn’t think they are malicious she thinks they are weirdly thoughtless, and they are. A different kind of message would have been appropriate. On the other hand OP isn’t overreacting in any way, she’s just hurting in a way that nobody can imagine who hasn’t experienced it.

OP I’m so sorry for the loss of your lovely daughter. I can’t imagine the terrible pain.

Her daughter died two months ago. I think you can expect people to tiptoe around her. Grief is raw at this time of year and it really doesn’t take a lot of time to be more considerate and understanding of a recently bereaved parent’s feelings.

I’m very sorry for your loss.

I lost my sister when we were in our twenties, a long time ago now, and never ceased to be shocked at people’s insensitivity. But honestly, those people fade into the background compared to the ones who just ‘know’ and who will be there for you in the coming months and years.

It’s lovely that, somewhere in all the grief, you can remember your daughter’s sense of humour. I remember someone saying to me that my sister wouldn’t want me to be wandering around feeling sad all the time and all I could think was ‘She bloody well would you know!’ I still miss her 30 years later, but am so happy she was in my life.

I go against the majority here
it was thoughtless
if it was a genetic send to all then thoughtless to not remove you
I lost my 24yr old son in nov 2023
it is as raw as ever
Unfortunately no one can genuinely understand unless they have experienced this horrific loss
it is totally different to other deaths/grief
I am sending you so much love and strength
this is a terrible relentless utterly exhausting road we have to travel xxx

Im sorry for the loss of your daughter but I think you are being unreasonable sorry.

I do understand you.

We go through grief. Other people go on with their lives. It doesnt matter to them as much as it matters to us.

My dad killed himself three years ago. Only two of my friends really comforted me. The rest of my friends and acquaintances went on with their lives. They were out partying the next week.

At the time, all I thought about was my dads death. I understand now that they just went on with their own lives

Thank you for sharing that insight into your DD, OP. She sounds completely brilliant. 😍

@Hankunamatata I do not think it is a binary choice between ignoring me or wishing me a Happy New Year (with accompanying steamer).

Many friends send personal messages saying that they were thinking of us and holding us in their hearts. Those meant a lot. But I didn’t expect them to do that, it was just a comfort to wake this morning and read those.

But to answer your question, yes I would have preferred no message at all than the generic Happy New Year ones.

I have got what I needed from posting now. Thank you all for taking the time to respond. I shall now get up and have a shower (I don’t always manage that) and think no more about the Happy New Year messages.

My very best wishes to you all.

I think you would have been more hurt if they hadn't sent anything? 2 months ago is like 2 minutes to you, I get that. But to other people 2 months is a long time so they are looking forwards not realising how bad you are still grieving. I would have sent a message about how I wish 2026 becomes a year with many good things despite your tragic loss. But maybe that would have been the wrong thing as well? It's hard to know what to say- I think it's good that they included you and not excluded you out of fear if saying the wrong thing.

I agree with everyone that it was most likely a send to all message.

What I don't like is when every year my dead relative gets wished happy birthday on FB by people who sent me sympathy messages when they died so it's not like they don't know.

My dad died in a very traumatic death. He was missing for two weeks and then his body was found in a field.

People didnt tiptoe around me after it happened. Many people didnt even acknowledge what happened.

I think it is several things. I know that People dont want to deal with grief that isnt theirs. They run away from having to deal with it . Some people dont know what to say. Some people genuinely dont understand what its like.

You're not wrong. And hopefully this thread will help ensure others are careful with messages to recently bereaved friends and similar in the future

People just don't engage their brains sometimes..

You have had a terrible time, but I’m afraid I think YABU. They probably just sent a generic message to all their contacts. They may even have agonised about what to say to you and finally decided to just keep it simple and "ordinary", even in the extraordinary circumstances.

If they have been supportive in real life I would cut them some slack. Some bereaved parents might well prefer to be treated "normally" on an occasion like this, rather than feeling that people feel obliged to tiptoe round them and agonise over which words to choose.

I hope you and your family find some peace in the days to come.

I am so sorry that you are going through such unimaginable pain. I don't think it will ever leave you, but I hope that with time and therapy you are able to regain some degree of inner peace and live the life your daughter would have wanted for you.

Also I send you love OP

Yes they should, at this stage. Although I would describe it as thoughtfulness, care and consideration, not "tiptoeing".
Appalling response from you.

But would you not even think about or adapt the wording of your messages? ‘Happy’ anything is not going to happen when someone has recently suffered a shocking and devastating bereavement. ‘Thinking of you’ would be a lot better.

I find it tiresome when people say they aren’t good with words or don’t know what to say. Surely everyone knows how to say ‘I’m thinking of you’. Or even ‘I’m not good with words but I just wanted to contact you to let you know that I’m thinking of you’.

It’s weird that people are obviously sending out ‘Happy’ season/birthday messages without actually thinking about what the words mean, which makes me wonder about the point of sending those messages to anyone at all, ever, as it is clearly not a sincerely felt sentiment- it’s just a phrase people say that has no meaning or purpose. Well language does matter to me any to many people.

Also to those saying ‘It was a generic message- not intentional’… well maybe people ought to be a bit more ‘intentional’. Actually just sit and THINK for a moment. 🙄

I would definitely not send a generic happy new year message to anyone who had lost a loved one in recent months. I guess all these friends are old enough to have developed emotional intelligence enough to know this. however, I'm sure they would be very apologetic if they knew how it had affected you.

”They can’t be expected to tiptoe around you”?? Within 2 months of the death of OP’s child? Goodness you are very cold! I think, actually, you could reasonably expect anyone with human decency to do exactly that.

I’m not saying these messages came from a place of malice but if you actually think people shouldn’t modify their behaviour around a close friend who has just had a devastating and traumatic bereavement, then you should give your head a wobble.

Thoughtless idiots who havnt experienced grief before. All these memes are generic rubbish.

I m sorry for your loss.

@LadyMacbethWasFierce firstly, I am so very sorry that your daughter died. It is every parent's worst fear.

I don't think you are being unreasonable at all. I would be shocked too by the lack of consideration from friends. I'm sure it didn't come from a bad place but it didn't come from one of any consideration either. I don't know who they were thinking of when they sent the message, but it clearly wasn't you. For a greeting or good wish to have any meaning at all, it needs to be well intentioned towards the person to whom the greeting was sent. I think that is part of the problem with modern communication. We are being seen to communicate without really communicating at all. Therefore, I would be inclined to see it as meaningless text verbage and try not to take it to heart.

Sending you every best wish for strength and stoicism to get through your grief.

I think this is a bit over the top. In general our friends want good things for us and that's what they're wishing us. Sometimes we all get things wrong, use an awkward form of words. For me, what's important is the intent. They're thinking about you and trying to be helpful.

The trouble is that we all react differently to death. The bereaved experience grief differently from each other; it's a very individual process. So, while somebody might say something to me that is perfect, to my grieving neighbour that same thing can feel crass and insensitive.

And, following on from that, some people feel it's best to say nothing, because they don't know what to say and don't want to upset you. I think you just have to get through your grief the best you can and accept that, in general, people wish you well (even though there is no 'well' for you at the moment)

I’m so sorry @LadyMacbethWasFierce , this is an awful time for you, there is nothing anyone can say or do to make that better.

I think it was thoughtless and poor judgment on your friends’ part but I would encourage you not to read more into it than that. It is unlikely to have been malicious, either accidental or just misplaced feelings of not knowing what to say.

I think you will have a much easier time of it if you reframe this as all messages were sent with love and because they were thinking about you, rather than anything more malicious.

No good comes from thinking otherwise. I am sorry for your loss.

If I were your friend, I'd have sent you a personalised message. That's the least you could have expected. That I was thinking of you, that I hope this coming year would treat you kindly, that I hope you and the family are coping as well as can be expected.

Even my NYE WhatsApp message to my group of school friends from the 80s was carefully thought out. It wasn't personalised as we are a group of ladies who now live in different parts of the world and have very different lives, so it was more generic in the sense it went out to a group of different people, but I made sure it was kind and thoughtful, and not bland. I ended it with "love you all very much". It doesn't take long to personalise a message.

Your friends were thoughtless.

I am so very sorry for your loss. That's unbelievably sad, and I don't know you but I am thinking of you.

I would definitely not reply like this op.
Yes it’s insensitive.
Yes it’s understandable that you’re still deep in grief and can’t possibly have a happy new year.
But it’s just thoughtless. People don’t always get it right. It wasn’t meant to upset you, I’m sure.
I’m so sorry for your loss x.