Am I Unreasonable To Be Surprised That 6 Friends Sent Me Happy New Year Messages Even Though My Daughter Has Just Died

[LadyMacbethWasFierce]

My beloved daughter died, totally unexpectedly, aged 24, on 29 October.

We are demented with grief over the loss of her.

DH and I and our other 2 younger children went to Morocco over Christmas to escape the UK. We arrived home and we all went to bed early last night.

I was surprised, upon waking this morning, to find 6 Happy New Year messages via text and WhatsApp (I am not on any other SM). Those were in addition to some other very finely judged messages of support. All the generic messages came from people who knew of the death of our daughter and 3 of them were from really close friends who had been particularly supportive.

I am sure that the messages were sent out to lots of people and I was not specifically chosen. But if you had a very close friend who had lost a child recently, would you take some care not to send a message like that?

I recognise I am hugely emotional and might well be unreasonable to be surprised and a bit upset about this.

I am not going to say anything to these people about it and I shall carry on with them as before. I did find it a bit crass though and slightly upsetting to wake this morning to those messages.

I don’t mind being told I am unreasonable. But please be kind. I am very fragile at the moment.

I’m so sorry to hear of your loss. 🌺

No, I wouldn’t have sent that message. But, since DH died, I’ve realised that people can be insensitive.

So sorry for your loss, sending you hugs. Several years ago one of my parents was killed in a traffic accident right before Christmas, and many friends still wished me a Merry Christmas by text. At the time I was very annoyed and upset by the insensitivity. Of course my Christmas was not at all Merry and the New Year that followed was not a happy one. So I don't think YABU at all to feel annoyed. Having said that, with the years going by I now recognise that it was kindly meant, although it revealed that they didn't have the first idea about what I was going through. But since they hadn't gone through it, I was arguably BU to expect them to understand my horrific grief at that moment. My relationships with those people recovered as I recovered.
So just to say, I get where you're coming from. Sometimes also it's easier to feel annoyed about something manageable like this than to have to face the awful loss itself.
Take care and again, so sorry about your daughter.
(P.s. I've not rtft because I find things like this upsetting still, so I apologise if this post misses the mark)

I almost replied to one poster a while back but deleted the response because it felt like explaining 1 + 1 = 2

Of course I have.
Every person on here would have.

You see that's where you and a lot of people would differ.
If my good friend had just lost a child they would be heavily in my thoughts, especially during this time of year.
I wouldn't be mindlessly sending out a group text. And if I had made that mistake I'd be apologising for it.
It's so unbelievably inconsiderate and you don't need to have suffered a bereavement in your life ever to be able to empathise in this situation. Not experiencing bereavement is no excuse.

I'm so sorry for your loss.
Having lost my own son 5 months ago, I think I've worked out that people want to say something kind, but actually they cant find the words. So, they fall back on the old faithfuls.....I've had Merry Christmas, Happy New year, have a wonderful holiday (after I fled to Egypt to try and diffuse my grief with sunshine) and several "have a brilliant weekend" after I've had panic attacks at work through sheer grief.
People generally mean well, they just dont know how to express themselves.
Try not to read too much into it

I agree.

I’ve lost count of how many times I’ve heard grieving people get angry because someone has said “sorry for your loss” or “thinking of you at this time” etc.

There was an entire thread not long ago about miscarriages and posters saying how offensive it was to say sorry for your loss - which I always thought was a nice thing to say.

Then some people wanted to be treated normally and then some got annoyed that they were.

The truth is that grief makes you angry.
But you need to not take it out on other people.

They were probably drunk as skunks OP and miss- judged the situation.

I am genuinly very sorry for your loss.

What you got have been through is truly horrendous and your friends may not have meant any offence at the time.

I’m so sorry for your loss, @LadyMacbethWasFierce

I think they can’t go right for doing wrong in the situation. If they leave you out and don’t send the message do they feel like you’re being excluded/forgot about. Grief is very hard to navigate for both the person grieving and the people trying to support. My friend lost her son age 3, 6 years ago, him and my son were born weeks apart! The guilt I felt every time I shared a picture or was in a bad mood cos he was having a bad day! But she wanted to act as normal, still share, still send the happy birthday messages etc

sorry for your loss ❤️

It must have been devastating to get those messages OP, but TBH to be seeing the start of a new year in which your darling daughter will have no part is bound to be devastating, so don't let the messages ruin your friendship with these friends who made a blunder this time, but have otherwise supported you.

Surely a generic round Robin message is meaningless to anyone though? An individual appropriate message is much more thoughtful regardless of who the person is surely.

We don’t know that it was a round robin message. We don’t know that the friends were out and thought I’ll just send a quick message now and then I’ll send a more thoughtful message when I can formulate and get into a conversation/reply should friend want to engage. It’s so hard to navigate someone else grief and know what’s the right thing to do. So if no one sent a message would the post be my DD died and none of my friends acknowledged me on NYE.

Its why people back away when something like this happens, they are afraid of saying the wrong thing.. I know I am and agonize over messages and delay and avoid sending as I'm so afraid of saying the wrong thing and upsetting them. Its either getting a few off color remarks or people crossing the street to avoid you. People are awful with others grief , I'm so so sorry about your daughter

I just find it very hard to believe anyone would send just 'happy new year' to a friend who lost their child 2 months before without it being on a round robin.

OP I would feel the same as you. After I lost my daughter, which was as baby, so I'm not saying it's the same as your loss and don't pretend to know what your going through but I remember the depth of grief and a message like that would have upset me. I remember being upset with people who sent insensitive messages and people who didn't contact me at all. I wouldn't have sent you that message at this time but it may be that these people were drunk or distracted or forgot momentarily or just didn't want to leave you out. I'm sure it wasn't intended but people don't think or don't know what to say.

I'm so very sorry for your loss.

Why not?
What would you say instead?

In whose head is happy new year appropriate? Its going to be a horrible new year, their DD literally just died. No need to message at midnight, message any time around Christmas/new year to say you are thinking of them or something surely. That's what friends do.

@workshy46 if you are worried about saying the wrong thing, then you can say that!

A message saying "Thinking of you." or "You are in our thoughts particularly this NYE" would be hard pushed to be considered offensive.

Seriously @Eyeshadow ? Do you really think any parent whose child has very recently died is going to have a "Happy New Year"? Are you honestly saying that would be your greeting to a friend of yours who had just lost their child? Let's turn the question around and ask you why you would say that?

I met a friend at church just before christmas and I wished her a Happy Christmas - her elderly father died 2 weeks earlier. I felt awful but it wasn’t intentional and I hope she saw it as that.

Eyeshadow

"Why not?
What would you say instead?"

Just think about it.

'What you got have been through is truly horrendous and your friends may not have meant any offence at the time'

The insensitivity is appalling. To cause distress to grieving parents is absolutely offensive intended or not.

I am so shocked that so many people think the message is appropriate. I just cannot imagine messaging a friend who has gone through a very recent and tragic bereavement and saying only happy new year. It is always hard messaging someone who is going through a difficult time but surely put your own feelings aside and say something thoughtful/supportive.

I wouldnt give it a 2nd thought tbh .
Op has clearly had a awful 2025 .
Especially the last couple of months the last thing I would be dwelling on would be everyday generic festive messages .
They maybe slightly thoughtless from ops personal perspective as she is still feeling extremely raw and in the midst of grief but I dont think the friends are thoughtless nor do I think they've done anything wrong ,so I think op is BU to think of her friends badly .

I'm so sorry OP. Your messages have made me tear up a bit. Losing a child is devastating and I cannot fathom the pain you are in. I'm so sorry.