Am I Unreasonable To Be Surprised That 6 Friends Sent Me Happy New Year Messages Even Though My Daughter Has Just Died

[LadyMacbethWasFierce]

My beloved daughter died, totally unexpectedly, aged 24, on 29 October.

We are demented with grief over the loss of her.

DH and I and our other 2 younger children went to Morocco over Christmas to escape the UK. We arrived home and we all went to bed early last night.

I was surprised, upon waking this morning, to find 6 Happy New Year messages via text and WhatsApp (I am not on any other SM). Those were in addition to some other very finely judged messages of support. All the generic messages came from people who knew of the death of our daughter and 3 of them were from really close friends who had been particularly supportive.

I am sure that the messages were sent out to lots of people and I was not specifically chosen. But if you had a very close friend who had lost a child recently, would you take some care not to send a message like that?

I recognise I am hugely emotional and might well be unreasonable to be surprised and a bit upset about this.

I am not going to say anything to these people about it and I shall carry on with them as before. I did find it a bit crass though and slightly upsetting to wake this morning to those messages.

I don’t mind being told I am unreasonable. But please be kind. I am very fragile at the moment.

Perhaps they thought it would ok as you’d been on holiday so soon after it happened so assumed you were in better spirits now?

Who in the name of actual suffering fuck is going to think bereaved parents are in "better spirits" TWO months after losing their daughter?

Took the words right out of my mouth.

Sometimes words fucking fail me.

SpaceRaccoon · Today 18:21
"Perhaps they thought it would ok as you’d been on holiday so soon after it happened so assumed you were in better spirits now?"

"better spirits" so soon after the tragic loss of her precious child - My God who even thinks like this?

Well yes but I have known people say they are very upset by ‘I hope you’re ok’ because obviously they’re not ok.

Better fucking spirits?!

How do they think that would even work?

OPs friend: "How are you doing"

OP: Well DD died in October which was tragic. But then we had a holiday. So you know, swings and roundabouts".

JFC! OP has said that she and her family are demented with grief and that she was considered too unwell to start therapy as dealing with her suicidal ideaton in the first few weeks was the priority. The holiday was obviously just to get right away from the UK and the Christmas festivities, not to have a fun time for God's sake. If her friends think that she's cheered up enough now to receive trite Happy New Year messages, they are totally shit friends.

You can disagree with someone without being so aggressive. It's a sensitive post.

OP I'm so very sorry for your loss. I hope that your friendships can continue. Such an awful time for you, and it must be very raw as it's no time at all 😢

Surely ANY person with an ounce of compassion would think I'll send my generic NY message out... The next thought SHOULD be... Is there anyone having a really tough time who needs a personal message....??

We had thoughtless people sending us yule cards with 'have a fab/fun christmas.... Less than 4 weeks following my mum's sudden death... These were peoppe who Knew!

Utterly cloth eared.

They should absolutely ‘tiptoe’ around OP.

OP I am so deeply sorry for your inconceivable loss.

I lost my spouse in September and the behaviour of some of the people around me has been mind blowing and crass.

I am sorry your friends were careless with you

Really? They are her friends. It’s hardly a round robin greeting from the chap who cleans the windows.
If we can’t expect thought and care from those who are close to us that’s pretty poor.

I think this too.

A close friend of mine son died last year and at Xmas and New Year just sent "Thinking of you" texts.

I'm so sorry for your loss OP.

Are you really this dense?
why do you think they went away for Christmas?
top up the tan?
I found it hard to believe that friends of the OP could be so thoughtless, but having read some of the posts here, it’s clear people really are in their own little bubble and oblivious to the experiences of others.

Crikey @ ‘better spirits’. The OP went to a non-Christian country over Christmas. She used the word ‘escape’. This is not any normal sort of holiday. It isn’t a holiday at all in the traditional sense. It’s a desperate attempt to find a way to get through the festive season without adding extra pain to their already enormous pain. Staying in the UK, seeing all the Christmas lights, witnessing people being jolly and festive etc… it’s easy to see why OP and her family couldn’t face that and needed a completely different environment.

A friend who lost her 31 year-old daughter two years ago has been on several trips to Spain since her bereavement. She had never been there before her loss. It is a place where there are no memories or associations with her daughter. When she told me she was going, I didn’t say ‘Have a great holiday!’ I said ‘I hope the change of scene feels helpful in some small way, and that you are able to find some moments of peace while you’re away’.

You didnt say happy Christmas or happy new year though, in the absence of not really knowing what to say (as who does) then 'sending love' or 'thinking of you' surely cannot possibly be offensive, or beyond the the capabilities of any adult to think of.

My best friend just lost her Mum to cancer. I didn't send her a cheery NY message. I'm seeing her at th funeral and after I'll judge her mood before offering NY wishes, at least she's no longer in pain. Sorry for your terrible loss OP. It's always hard but harder still at Xmastime. 💐

I have actually lost a child so I have some idea of what it's like. Personally, I'd be comforted that my friends had remembered me (some people avoid you when you're grieving because they don't know what to say) even if the messages seemed a bit inappropriate. But we are all different. I can only say how I would feel.

Fair enough. I’m not saying I’m right, I can see from this thread that a lot of people agree with you and not trying to argue that it’s not insensitive, but I wouldn’t have known that before reading this thread. To me it doesn’t sound like something that was done maliciously or to be unkind but doesn’t mean the OP is wrong to feel upset by it. The social norms around grief and bereavement are confusing, different people feel differently and it’s hard to know when to mention it, when to treat somebody as normal, what to say and what not to say etc. I think people often get it wrong and it’s not because they’re not trying to do the right thing, it can just be hard to know what is the right thing. A ‘happy new year’ message wouldn’t have been an obvious no to me before reading this thread, I probably would have felt like not sending a new year message and treating somebody differently a few months post bereavement would be worse. I can see from this thread that would be wrong, but not everybody is going to get their social interactions right every time and this is a particularly difficult area to navigate. If the friends have otherwise been good and supportive I wouldn’t hold it against them, but that doesn’t mean I don’t empathise with the OP if it has upset her.

I'm so sorry this happened @AnAlpacaForChristmasPleaseSanta , that a so called friend thought it was appropriate to say this to you about your dad's funeral! People can be so thoughtless and hurtful towards the newly bereaved and not even realise it!

When my sister died (she was only 25, it was a rare, aggressive type of cancer) my parents and I were absolutely bereft. My sister prior to her death helped to choose the songs she wanted, which you can imagine was a very difficult and emotional task for us. Anyway, after the funeral, one of our neighbours came up to us and said she felt that the closing song chosen was not "fitting" enough for the funeral and should not have been chosen. I never really saw her or her husband in the same light after that.

My mum died in November this year and again, after the funeral, this time a comment from my mother in law, telling me she thought it was ridiculous that my dad hadn't worn a tie (he hates ties, it's not his thing and he was wearing his smart trousers, a shirt and nice jumper over it). She went on and on at the kitchen table about how her and her sister had thought it was a disgrace. I really had to stop myself from screaming in her face. The implication was that I was somehow responsible and that I should have ensured my dad wore a tie. I just made non committal noises and said it was his choice, that's what made him feel comfortable. I've been a bit colder with her this Christmas and New year. She's always been a judgy person but it was not an appropriate thing to say to me and also admit that her and her sister were bitching about it. If I had said anything like that to her after her husband's death it would have been a HUGE deal. But then, I just wouldn't say that. To her or anyone.

It was thoughtless of them. I'd have sent something like, "Thinking of you as we enter another year. I know how hard it is to start a new year that your child isn't part of. Let me know if you want to go for a walk or catch up in any way. xx"

People can be so clueless. Lucky them, right? I'm sorry for your loss.

Me too @IamtheDevilsAvocado

My mum died in November just there and the amount of "hope you're enjoying the festive season" and "merry Christmas when it comes" and "merry Christmas" and today "happy new year"s I've got from friends has been insane. The thing is, as I said in a previous post I'm weirdly not as angry and upset about it this time compared to when my sister died (which was also in November, actually closer to Christmas). I replied to a few of them with "I'll try I'm just not feeling great tbh" and I got "of course, thinking of you" back again so I'm trying not to get upset or overthink. However I do think people are just thoughtless sometimes and it seems to be more so over the festive period. Sending you love for you and your family after losing your mum too 🌹❤️x

There is something very very wrong with you

I just want to say I’m really, really so sorry for the sadness that you are experiencing and the loss of your darling daughter, OP.

This is the sort of dumb thing that I would do and once I realised, probably around February, I would be mortified.

It’s awful for you.

I'm so sorry for your loss but your grief seems to be clouding your judgement - they are not diminishing your appalling loss by wishing you goodwill and happiness.

Very true