Am I Unreasonable To Be Surprised That 6 Friends Sent Me Happy New Year Messages Even Though My Daughter Has Just Died

[LadyMacbethWasFierce]

My beloved daughter died, totally unexpectedly, aged 24, on 29 October.

We are demented with grief over the loss of her.

DH and I and our other 2 younger children went to Morocco over Christmas to escape the UK. We arrived home and we all went to bed early last night.

I was surprised, upon waking this morning, to find 6 Happy New Year messages via text and WhatsApp (I am not on any other SM). Those were in addition to some other very finely judged messages of support. All the generic messages came from people who knew of the death of our daughter and 3 of them were from really close friends who had been particularly supportive.

I am sure that the messages were sent out to lots of people and I was not specifically chosen. But if you had a very close friend who had lost a child recently, would you take some care not to send a message like that?

I recognise I am hugely emotional and might well be unreasonable to be surprised and a bit upset about this.

I am not going to say anything to these people about it and I shall carry on with them as before. I did find it a bit crass though and slightly upsetting to wake this morning to those messages.

I don’t mind being told I am unreasonable. But please be kind. I am very fragile at the moment.

My heart really goes out to you here @LadyMacbethWasFierce. I can see how you are being so stoical replying to posters saying you can't expect others to always consider you and your friends are only being kind. I disagree, but I think its so admirable you are considering others, when really at this stage you shouldn't have to. You are hurting too much to see straight, and to me that's totally understandable and expected. Im just so sorry you and your family are going through this.

I'd say the exact opposite to this. I'd say the generic messages the op received were just the straw that broke the camels back. It was just the very last thing she needed, at this very moment.
Dismissing it as something she shouldn't think about it just missing the point entirely.
She is hurting enough. She simply doesn't need thoughtlessness on top of everything else she is enduring.

@wheredidtheteago "I think it’s quite lovely tbh."

No, it is not at all "lovely". What can possibly be lovely when very close friends send a generic Happy New Year message to someone who's just lost their 29 year old daughter. Would you send a jolly Happy New Year! message to someone whose child had just died? OP has suffered an insurmountable tragedy that will effect every part of her life forever. I seriously hope you've never experienced anything like it. How long does it take to send an individual message of love to someone in such unimaginable pain? Seconds, minutes at most? How much brain power does it take to select a few appropriate words, such as "thinking of you"? I wouldn't dream of being so fucking, pathetically thoughtless.

Your response to @endofthelinefinally is really quite callous, this is someone who lost a child and all you have to say is they are overreacting? Where’s your humanity to acknowledge their pain or listen to their experience? Dreadful.

I think this is how some people get their kicks in life to be honest.

yanbu imo. I messaged friends who’s lost people to say I was thinking of them and hope they’re ok. The word ‘happy’ didn’t feature. I’m so sorry for your loss

I agree, I have a friend who recently lost a close family member and didn't want to wish her a happy New year but now feel bad that I have basically avoided contact because I don't know what to say.

@Emptyandsad

"I think this is a bit over the top. In general our friends want good things for us and that's what they're wishing us. Sometimes we all get things wrong, use an awkward form of words. For me, what's important is the intent. They're thinking about you and trying to be helpful."

Over the top? When her child has just dropped dead. You really think that? You really think it's OK to wish a Happy New Year to someone who is reeling with pain and tragedy? You believe that's helpful or somehow wishing them good things? How long does it take to type "thinking of you"? It actually just took me 5 seconds. How much intelligence does it take to choose those (or similarl) words? Answer - it also took me 5 seconds. I assume you'd proclaim Happy New Year with a big smile on your face to someone who's life lies in tatters? Jesus fucking Christ is all I can say.

AnAlpacaForChristmasPleaseSanta ·

"I think this is how some people get their kicks in life to be honest."

I know it's abhorrent.

I know it’s probably still very raw for you, but people do sometimes have difficulty in how to approach someone who has very recently lost someone. If they hadn’t messaged happy new year, you might think they’re trying to avoid engaging with you. When I lost my DF when he was relatively young, people I knew well literally stopped messaging me at all, and would cross the street rather than speak to me. People deal with grief so differently, and have different expectations of how others should be.

I am so very sorry for your loss xxx

"Thinking of you at this time".

But multiple people who are grieving have said that that would upset them - that they’d rather have a general happy new year message like everyone else and not be ignored or have an emotional message like ‘thinking of you at this difficult time’.

It’s personal preference but I know that I’d be more upset if people chose not to message me and leave me feeling isolated and not cared about.

I don’t think it’s helpful to be offended or upset by a message wishing them a happy new year.

It’s insane that despite countless people saying that “thinking of you” type messages would be appropriate, there are still people saying they wouldn’t know what to say to someone who is bereaved. Wtf is wrong with you people? It has been explained to you now. Is it stupidity or are you wilfully ignoring the advice you are being given?

This 100%.

There is absolutely no excuse for such thoughtless behaviour especially from the three ‘close’ friends. You are definitely NBU OP.

The sad truth is that very few people are really able to give you the support you need in your current situation (I can only imagine the agony you’re in). I believe that only truly extraordinary people or those who genuinely love you (or loved your daughter) can support you emotionally and share your pain. I can’t say too much as it is too outing but I have been in a similar type of unimaginably awful situation this year and I have been disappointed at how few people can genuinely relate to or understand the despair I feel. Most people are useless and don’t want to deal with the emotions involved.

I have a couple of truly wonderful friends who are the best you could have. They have done and continue to do, their utmost to support me, but of course they don’t really get/feel it in the way that I need them to. How can they when they have never experienced a similar situation? To be honest I don’t think I would have been as able to empathise with others had I not had my own terrible experience.

Suffering the loss or serous illness of a child leaves you in an abyss of loneliness and torment.

Whilst you did not appreciate them sending generic messages, other people would be annoyed that friends didn’t send anything, it’s really difficult because everyone is different. I had a similar dilemma as we have a situation with terminal illness yet I do want them to be happy, ignoring them is wrong and not everyone wants every interaction to be about “the illness situation” sometimes an ordinary generic message is the right one. No right or wrong for all

Quite. So many people saying they have been bereaved they have lost a parent or close relative so they know what they are talking about. It is categorically not the same as losing a child, a wound that will never heal, a life that will never ever be the same.

Was this their child that was dying?

I know it feels like when someone dies the world is unreasonable for continuing to turn. I remember that feeling. But it does, and your experience is disjointed from that of others at the moment. I’m so sorry for your loss.

YANBU.

People don't know what to say and for some reason, just saying ''thinking of you'' isn't enough or they simply just don't think at all like in this case and send a generic message.

I'm so sorry for the loss of your daughter. Of course it isn't a happy new year for you and I can't imagine how difficult it must be starting the new year without your daughter. xx

@Eyeshadow "It’s personal preference but I know that I’d be more upset if people chose not to message me and leave me feeling isolated and not cared about."

Why does it have to be an all or nothing situation? Why does it have to be Happy New Year or absolutely no message at all? Are people so lacking in intelligence (both cognitive and emotional) that they can't string three appropriate words together to send to someone in such unimaginable pain? Are they so lacking in technological skills that they don't know how to send someone an individual message? Having personally suffered a truly tragic bereavement, I can assure you I would not want someone to wish me a Happy New Year so soon afterwards. And I would not be so jaw droppingly insensitive to do it to anyone else. I very much doubt that the posters who see no problem with the message have ever suffered the loss of a child. But please do forgive me if you have.

What a truly awful thing to say. And to think. Shame on you.

@Lotsnlotsoflove "I’m sorry for your loss OP. However, you are being very unreasonable. People should not have to tip toe around your grief to the point of not wishing you a happy new year. Perhaps you need to reflect on how to deal with these moments in bereavement therapy."

Dear god, what an awful thing to say. Your username certainly doesn't hold up. I hope you never know the pain of losing a child.

I don’t think it’s helpful to be offended or upset by a message wishing them a happy new year.

If the OP was a year or two along in their loss then this might be true. But as they are still reeling at the sudden loss of their child after a matter of weeks then they are entitled to feel whatever they like. Regardless if it's "helpful" or not.

Perhaps they thought it would ok as you’d been on holiday so soon after it happened so assumed you were in better spirits now? I’m very sorry for your loss, truly I am, it’s tragic and I can’t imagine what you’re going through. But you’re misdirecting your emotions onto others who aren’t responsible for what you’re going through and probably felt they’d be rude by not sending their wishes.