Am I Unreasonable To Be Surprised That 6 Friends Sent Me Happy New Year Messages Even Though My Daughter Has Just Died

[LadyMacbethWasFierce]

My beloved daughter died, totally unexpectedly, aged 24, on 29 October.

We are demented with grief over the loss of her.

DH and I and our other 2 younger children went to Morocco over Christmas to escape the UK. We arrived home and we all went to bed early last night.

I was surprised, upon waking this morning, to find 6 Happy New Year messages via text and WhatsApp (I am not on any other SM). Those were in addition to some other very finely judged messages of support. All the generic messages came from people who knew of the death of our daughter and 3 of them were from really close friends who had been particularly supportive.

I am sure that the messages were sent out to lots of people and I was not specifically chosen. But if you had a very close friend who had lost a child recently, would you take some care not to send a message like that?

I recognise I am hugely emotional and might well be unreasonable to be surprised and a bit upset about this.

I am not going to say anything to these people about it and I shall carry on with them as before. I did find it a bit crass though and slightly upsetting to wake this morning to those messages.

I don’t mind being told I am unreasonable. But please be kind. I am very fragile at the moment.

I can understand your feelings here, OP. Hope you’re doing okay.

It shows a total lack of empathy and insight. Who thinks it is possible to have a happy new year two months after losing a child?

You're not being unreasonable.
My friend is currently holding his wife's hand in hospice. Of course I didn't send him the same happy new year text I sent to other people, it's going to be far from a happy new year for him and his young son. I sent him a separate message of love and support.

That is terrible @Well1mBack I am utterly baffled at what is wrong with some people. As the spouse of the deceased your dad was entitled to wear whatever he wished and even if your mil thought it was wrong (which would still be none of her bloody business) she had absolutely no right to voice that. I admire your restraint for not lamping her one frankly.

My sincere sympathy for the losses your family have endured 💐.

Sending a bulk message like this, to all contacts, is in itself a dick move. If we all did that, we'd all get 200+ inane, meaningless, and potentially insensitive, greetings from every other bugger. It's daft, and it defines a person as thinking they are the very nucleus of everyone else's world.

It really doesn’t, you know. My very nice builder, who included me on his list of ‘send a general NY greeting’ certainly doesn’t think anything of the kind. I imagine in his case he doesn’t use WhatsApp a great deal, though he is never off his phone, and it was just an error.

Exactly. You’re sending the same message to the bloke who does your mot as you are to your aunt. It’s pointless and meaningless even before you even take into account people in the same position as the op.

Why?

I really am sorry that you lost your daughter. I can’t imagine what you are going through.

kindly, you are being a bit unreasonable. I’m sure the messages feel a little out of touch but at least you have people thinking about you. That’s got to be a good thing.

I think you’re being a bit unreasonable but I can see where you’re coming from. I lost an in-law unexpectedly just before Christmas but similar messages haven’t caused us any issues.

I have a friend who lost her young daughter 3 years ago. I still wonder if Happy Christmas and Happy New Year are appropriate. I think if they've been supportive then maybe give them some grace op. We don't always make the right call with this.

Because she thinks leaving the country to escape extremely painful Christmas memories can justifiably be taken as a sign of being in “better spirits”

I am really sorry for your tragic loss. Absolutely heartbreaking.

I am so so sorry for your loss. Those are really thoughtless texts and I'm so sorry they've upset you. Some people don't understand grief, what to say, how much pain you must still be feeling etc etc. If they are close friends they should have sent you a more personal message, sending you strength and love for the new year instead. I'm so sorry again.

Ffs, you are joking? An in-law dying unexpectedly is nothing like your Daughter dying.
There is nothing like losing a child.
Some of the replies are leaving me red faced in anger.

I agree. The OP’s post has stayed with me all night.

I am so sorry for your loss but please don't compare losing your in-law to a mother losing her young daughter unexpectedly.

Agree. This response rankled me no end. Some people have no empathy.

@LadyMacbethWasFierce thinking of you at a most difficult time 💐💐💐

Whether it was meant or not, the hurt is the same. Have you heard of compassionate friends. It is an organisation that supports people whose child/children have died whatever the cause. There is online support, or might be a face to face group near you. It probably wont be helpful for you to receive messages in a forum like this, whereas in Compassionate friends, we all 'get it'. I am cross on your behalf, I think a happy new year message would really sting.

I’m so sorry for your loss. There really are no adequate words but I wish you and your family only the best as you
navigate such a harrowing journey.

I don’t think your feelings are in any way unreasonable. Whenever I’ve sent such messages, I’ve always been careful not to make it ‘celebratory’ and to say that I just wanted to reach out to say I’m thinking of the bereaved person at this time and to offer support, hopefully a meaningful way. I don’t think that’s ’tiptoeing around’ someone. I think it’s just basic human empathy. That said, grief is still often a taboo subject, leading us to handle other people’s losses really badly at times. It could be that they were indeed well meaning but misjudged. It could be also be that it’s a reflection of their own discomfort with your tragic loss and not knowing how to, or wanting to, fully acknowledge it. That’s something I’ve personally experienced when I was bereaved and I struggled with it. However, none of that negates your feelings and it’s a reflection of something for them to work on, not you. I’m really sorry you had to read those messages on what must have been a very painful day. I’m glad at least that you had some kind and compassionate messages and hopefully have some sensitive people to lean on. Maybe those people who are close friends will prove more supportive later on. I do hope so.

Not unreasonable at all. I am so sorry for your immeasurable loss 💔
The year my Dad died my friend sent a funny Santa card for Christmas...in Ireland it is tradition not to send someone a card who has had a bereavement. I felt so offended that not only did she send me a card but a novelty one. Of course I wasnt going to have a good Christmas. I lost my Dad ffs 😡 she wasn't a particularly close friend but after that I kept my distance and I dont really see her/talk to her now. I'm so sorry people were so insensitive to you 😔

It is not a ridiculous statement. There is no pain like the loss of a child.
I adore my mother, loved father, both my mother and father have died, I lost a sibling as a child. I lost a good friend. If one of my children died I would not be able to function for a very long time if not forever. My heart and mind would break.

I agree.

My son almost died 2 years ago in March. He didn't die and that was traumatising enough, I still have PTSD. I can't imagine how much more difficult it would've been if the worst had happened.

Your feelings and experiences (and this might shock you) are not universal. There are people estranged from children, people with children who are a source of such constant worry and pain that their deaths come as a relief as well as a tragedy - not everyone feels that all other relationships are peripherally important to their relationship with their kids.