Husband thinks it’s ok to let children change baby’s nappy

[Anonymous236864]

Am I being unreasonable in telling my husband I don’t want him to invite older children to ‘help’ change our baby’s nappy? Sure they can be helpful and bring the wipes over but he instructed an older girl (4yrs old) to rub barrier cream on my daughter. When challenged he said ‘but she likes it’.
I said that even though it’s innocent I don’t want either of these girls to grow up thinking other children or people other than a responsible care giver is okay to touch their private parts. He told me I was being ridiculous. As someone who was sexually abused as a child (an older child would touch me inappropriately) who found out later that these parts are private I really don’t want my child or other children to grow up not realising that private parts are private until it’s too late. Does that sound unreasonable?

Is the 4 year old a stranger? A sibling? A friend's kid? Your post isn't clear.

Why are there random children in your house? Or is this 4 year old a sibling to the baby?

Is the 4 year old a step daughter?

Would you feel differently if the 4yr old is your daughter too?
Is your partner aware you were abused as a child?

Please have a conversation as all this is deeply rooted and as you navigate motherhood all historical events can be brought to the surface.
Congratulations on your DD

Adults take care of babies, not children.

I’d be happy for an old sibling or cousin to “help” (bring things, entertain the baby during etc) and to observe but 4 yo is far too young to be changing nappies.

Your baby isn’t a doll to be played with. Whether the 4yo “likes it” is less important than whether it’s a good thing for the baby.

The baby needs a competent care giver changing their nappy, not a very young child.

Yanbu, my older child helped but that was just passing me stuff. Not the actual changing, they wouldn’t have done it properly at 4 but also yea I wouldn’t be happy with that

'She likes it'? As in the child or the baby?

I don't think the barrier cream is appropriate whoever the other little girl is.

If his child is a close relative, helping with the baby is a way of making them feel included and part of the baby’s upbringing before they can actually interact properly or play.

If they’re siblings they will see each other’s private parts thousands of times and it’s really not comparable to reinforcing boundaries around others touching your private areas inappropriately!

My two kids bathe together every day (opposite sexes) and my DD is obsessed with babies and putting nappies on all her toys and would absolutely love to be included in that way with any future children.

You are overthinking this. Getting a 4 year old to help is involving them and ensuring they don’t feel left out. I suggest you talk to someone about your past as it’s clouding your judgement now.

This must really difficult for you and im not sure if there is right answer. From my perspective my elder daughter does help my 2 year old with nappy changes. I think she is learning to help within the family and become a good care giver when she is older.

If these children are his children they are your child’s siblings, not random children

I hear you OP. I also experienced SA as a child. I don’t think children should be encouraged to touch another child’s genitals under any circumstances.

I wouldn't like it either ...something about the touching of an intimate area that should be for a responsible person and not someone no matter how adorable might get things wrong or explore or begin to think mutual intimate touching of any sort is ok between relatives and it be a gateway to unwanted touching.

I used to changed family members (babies) nappies as a child. There was absolutely nothing sinister about it. I loved feeding, bathing and getting my niece dressed. We had a lovely bond growing up. I would have been around 4 YO when she was born.

However; as an adult I remember insisting on moving to another room when MIL said to change my DCs nappy in a room full of adults one Christmas. DC was just over one years old. Adults were all family but I didn't want my child exposed Infront of a everybody.

I'm sorry OP but I think YABU. While yes a baby's parts are private they are not private in the way of an older child simply because they need nappies changed. In a nursery multiple people may do this. It's normal for extended family to change the occasional nappy too (if people are lucky enough to have help). It's good that a 4 yr old is helping as long as the baby is secured safely and the older child is supervised in terms of hygiene.

Who is the 4yo in relation to the baby?

What is the relationship @Anonymous236864 seems to me that this is a sister/step sister? We need context.

And I changed, bathed, cared for plenty of babies as a child, I loved helping out.

Nope, I wouldn't be comfortable with that unless (maybe) it's a young sibling. And even then I'd only be comfortable with them touching the skin to do up the nappy. Touching the genital area? No.

There's lots that a young child can do to help with nappy changing without touching the genitals of another child.

Sounds a bit weird tbh, h sounds a little bit pervy in his response and there was no way that my kids helped changed nappies of their younger siblings in this way.

I’m a great believer in children, under close supervision, doing adult “jobs”. So, if that supervision is in place, I wouldn’t have an issue with this.

Context: the 4yo is a friends child.
hygiene aside (we can always guide children to wash their hands and help them learn to be hygienic) I think that the older child could end up thinking it’s okay for her private parts to be touched by another older child or friend or whoever later on down the line which could be problematic. My comcern is that this child could think back to the time that she was helping with a nappy change and therefore if it’s okay in this scenario, so it must still be okay later on if someone who maybe doesn’t have any valid reason to be touching those parts does it or tries to do it. This older child may not be able to differentiate between an innocent situation and a less innocent situation so that’s what I want to mitigate risk about

I agree op. I’d allow older siblings to ‘help’ with nappy changing but getting the sudacrem on is quite intimate, sensitive and specific - that’s an adult job. I think your DH’s approach is quite a concern and I’d certainly be interrogating him more about what he means by ‘she enjoys it’.

Male view here if It makes a difference

I don’t think he’s done anything unreasonable, and the kid is clearly entirely innocent and just wants to feel responsible

but of course you’re entitled to say you’re not comfortable with it and your husband has to respect that

YANBU Op. So an unrelated child rubbed barrier cream on your baby’s private parts using her hand? This is quite different from using wet wipes or helping to stick a nappy closed imo. Very weird that your husband would suggest she do this. Your baby is not a doll. Would previous posters be ok if it was a boy doing this? I suspect not.

I think it's innocent but I understand your concerns, especially with your experience and the fact it's not even a sibling but a friend's child makes it worse for me. I think you're right about clear boundaries from the outset, the 4 year old is either in reception or will be this year and will be taught the PANTS rule about private body parts, so I don't think YABU but I also understand why your husband didn't think about it as deeply.