Husband thinks it’s ok to let children change baby’s nappy

[Anonymous236864]

Am I being unreasonable in telling my husband I don’t want him to invite older children to ‘help’ change our baby’s nappy? Sure they can be helpful and bring the wipes over but he instructed an older girl (4yrs old) to rub barrier cream on my daughter. When challenged he said ‘but she likes it’.
I said that even though it’s innocent I don’t want either of these girls to grow up thinking other children or people other than a responsible care giver is okay to touch their private parts. He told me I was being ridiculous. As someone who was sexually abused as a child (an older child would touch me inappropriately) who found out later that these parts are private I really don’t want my child or other children to grow up not realising that private parts are private until it’s too late. Does that sound unreasonable?

I honestly think the hysteria on this thread is too much and is making me very uncomfortable. OP is a survivor of CSA, she is now being told that her partner is a paedophile. No proof only reading into a situation that could also be innocently explained. That's not what she was suggesting and this thread is going to cause her great harm.

While I appreciate you don’t want to upset the OP, it would be more harmful to overlook problematic behaviour.

If it is innocent, it is still problematic for the children to think it’s ok to touch other people’s privates/have other people touch theirs.

So all he has to do is stop encouraging children to touch each other’s privates and there won’t be a problem will there?

When people who clearly have more knowledge and awareness than you are expressing valid concerns, that's not hysteria. Would you like it if I said don't go getting your testicles in a twist Bruce?

@bigboykitty I honestly wouldn't care because I don't have testicles. And yes I'm aware hysteria is a gendered word and that is exactly the context that I meant when I used it

You meant to say that all the women agreeing that the OP is right to set boundaries in order to safeguard her child (and others that visit) are having emotional outbursts because of our reproductive organs? 🤨

Wow. We can even synchronise our cycles over the internet these days!

My husband learnt how to change nappies when he had a child, the same as I did. If people are that concerned about boys not being allowed to change nappies growing into incompetent men, buy them a doll.

This is a red flag. He initiated it, then minimised it, then got defensive. I would be very concerned. I think it’s him that enjoys it.

Omg.
I literally don't think I've ever been so incensed by people JUST NOT GETTING IT on this site.
No one is saying there's a issue with 'normal' MALE RELATIVES changing a baby's nappy! It's THIS MAN, encouraging a non-related child, to rub cream on a baby's genitals - that is raising the huge red flag to the MAJORITY OF US!!

Sums it up.

A sibling passing a nappy, sealing the tabs etc, fine. But not an unrelated child rubbing cream.

Maybe it was a one-off, not really thinking moment. But it shouldn’t happen again.

I have 4 kids, one girl and three boys. I never wanted any of my children to change the younger ones. Sometimes, they’d “assist” by passing me things (if they wanted to) and I’d explain that we had to keep baby clean and dry and tell them what I was doing etc., but that’d be about it.
Tell him that that’s the maximum extent of involvement you want from the 4 yr old. Don’t make it weird, but I do tend to agree. It’s a bit much letting her put barrier cream on or actually touching the baby, regardless of how innocent that is. If she wants to be included to that extent (and I can’t see why she would of her own accord), get her a baby doll and some preemie nappies and let her change “her baby” at the same time the real baby is being changed!

Oh OP there's so many red flags here, I think you need to be wary of your DH. If an unrelated male encouraged my 4 year old daughter to do this I'd go mental tbh. 🤷‍♀️ She'll be learning the pants rule at school soon and may well mention this to a teacher or parent. I'd not let your DH supervise the children in any way. Even if there is nothing sinister, his judgement and boundaries are way off.

Just to be clear; he instructed a friend's child to touch your daughter's vulva and said it was fine because she liked it.

Think about that for a while.

I think you’ve completely misunderstood that post.

I am pretty sure this was in response to someone suggesting letting little boys get involved with nappy changing is a good way to ensure men learn how to do nappies.

Their point was that men can learn as adults when they have babies, just like many women learn.

And if someone wants little boys (or girls) to learn they should buy a doll for them to practice on.

YANBU. It's just unnecessary private parts touching for both children. Adults shouldn't be encouraging children to touch each other's privates, even if there is a valid reason like a nappy change. Adults look after babies, not other children.

If you'd read my previous post you'd see I totally got it and was in agreement with the OP. This was in reply to someone suggesting that not letting children especially male children take part in nappy changing would result in incompetent fathers. So I'd save your incensed reply for those who think it's ok for children to touch other children's genitals

Thank you.