Husband thinks it’s ok to let children change baby’s nappy

[Anonymous236864]

Am I being unreasonable in telling my husband I don’t want him to invite older children to ‘help’ change our baby’s nappy? Sure they can be helpful and bring the wipes over but he instructed an older girl (4yrs old) to rub barrier cream on my daughter. When challenged he said ‘but she likes it’.
I said that even though it’s innocent I don’t want either of these girls to grow up thinking other children or people other than a responsible care giver is okay to touch their private parts. He told me I was being ridiculous. As someone who was sexually abused as a child (an older child would touch me inappropriately) who found out later that these parts are private I really don’t want my child or other children to grow up not realising that private parts are private until it’s too late. Does that sound unreasonable?

I agree with this. The whole post has such sinister vibes. I also agree that it sounds like he could be grooming the 4 year old in question as suggested by pp

Hear, hear I totally agree
Have read what's being said so far and if it were me I'd not let it happen
Neighbour had a 5 year old son who 'helped' when she then had baby daughter
Made me cringe and I said so
Lost her friendship, 40 years on
She's gained problem son from what I've heard on grapevine

This.

He enjoys it. He is the one who enjoys watching one child rub the genitals of another child.

Eurgh!

Like other pps who can see that this is sexually motivated by the adult, I also was sexually abused as a child. Sadly, this gives us a much clearer perspective on what is abuse.

You’re absolutely right

Your DH is being so unreasonable.
It's absolutely not okay.

Worst case scenario makes is that he encouraged the four year old to touch your baby for his own reasons.
I am not sure how he can be so unaware of how inappropriate it is.

If he wasn't aware and then was pulled up on it by you, a normal response would be "Oh shit I didn't think about that." Instead he's said you are overreacting.

You aren't. I'm a teacher and we teach from a very young age the pants rule and watch the NSPCC Pantosaurus video. And talk about nobody being able to touch you there.

I had never changed a nappy till I had my own child. It's easy to learn!

She definitely wiped bums! I don’t remember her doing anything with cream though. And there was definitely nothing sexually motivated. She was 6 when her first brother was born - at that age she just passed me the wipes / clean nappy / change of clothes (and laughed hysterically at his willy). My husband certainly wasn’t encouraging her to smear cream on it though!

Knowing who the child is makes the difference. YANBU.

I don’t think I’d let even a sibling put barrier cream on but would let them help wipe. Other children, whether that be cousins, friends, friends children, no. Definitely not.

I would agree with you that I'd move to another room if possible. Apart from the privacy point of view, other people might not want to see the contents of a dirty nappy. I don't think you or I are unusual to think like this. My SIL, however, took any chance to take off her eldest son's nappy and leave him bare. I remember once he was about 18 months and she changed him in the living room while a few people were present and just left him running round with no pants on. She kept saying it was good for him. She also turned every nappy change into a public performance if she could. I thought it was really weird behaviour.

All else aside if I'm trying to get on & get something done I can't be bothered to pander to other people's kids just because "they like it".

You’re right OP, and your husband is seriously weird. “She likes it” is creepy.

Encouraging small children (especially unrelated) to touch each other’s genitals is weird and inappropriate.

How would your friend feel that your husband has been getting her four year old child to rub cream on a baby’s bare buttocks and genitalia?

How will your baby feel when she’s older, knowing that unrelated children only a couple of years older than her have seen her naked, touched her private parts and helped change her nappy? Violated and embarrassed.

And this is the best case scenario, if your husband’s just a weird idiot rather than a groomer deliberately trying to erode the boundaries of the little girl and your baby.

To whoever said “this is why men don’t know how to change nappies”, no.

Men don’t know how to change nappies because they are too avoidant or lazy to find out. It’s not rocket science. If he can get himself dressed, he can change a nappy.

Making excuses for grown-ass men “not knowing” how to do something enables their learned incompetence. I can guarantee you those very men all have phones they invariably spend hours in the loo with as they avoid the grunt work of having a family. Instead of ogling influencers on SM or catching up on the football they could actually google “how do you change a nappy”, but they don’t. They never notice the baby needs changed then they take ages to get off their arses to do it when they’re told they need changing then they’ll do a bad job so it just becomes easier and more beneficial for the baby for someone else to do it.

If you’re having a child, woman the f*ck up and learn how to look after it. Don’t blame mummy for never having taught you how to do it (cause I guarantee dad won’t have done it and won’t get the blame for his oversight).

Allowing and showing a child how to care for a baby is in no way going to send a message to that child that it's ok for someone to touch her own private parts. The only message she will receive is that babies need caring people to look after them.

You need to have a conversation with your husband about why you feel this way. He is being insensitive and needs to back off.

Yeah, I’m absolutely with you. It’s natural for kids to be interested and have a look - even help care for the baby like passing wipes and nappies etc, but no, they shouldn’t be touching, and especially not encouraged to touch. It just doesn’t send the right message about boundaries. YANBU.

Editing to add, I do find a man encouraging a child to intimately touch another child a bit creepy, sorry. I’m sure it’s fine, but it’s just best to be super alert to these things.

Of course this isn’t appropriate or safe behaviour to encourage. Don’t doubt yourself.
Fetching a nappy or the bum cream is all very well, but gentians stay out of sight of anyone other than very close family.

Hell no YANBU.

And I also find your husband’s behaviour creepy.

I don't get the point that the 4 yr old will learn that it's ok for older children to touch privates. This is a massive stretch. A 4 yr old is well aware that a baby is a baby and they don't associate the expectations of themselves with what is norm for a baby. They know a baby cannot toilet themselves and needs a nappy changed, that's a million miles off from an adult or older child asking to or trying to touch them. Honestly I think its a bit of a false narrative to say you are not comfortable for this reason, if there are other reasons you need to acknowledge them.

i also think PPs are reading way too much into Dh saying the kid enjoys it. They enjoy helping and caring for the baby not they enjoy touching the privates, entirely different things. 4 yr olds particularly girls play with dolls all the time, often pretend rubbing cream putting on powder, it's normal that a child who enjoys this with a plastic doll would enjoy this more with a real baby. To suggest an alternative would be to imply little girls who like changing dolls nappies are doing so in a somewhat sinister way, and parents who buy dolls and watch them play like this are somehow involved in grooming.

You clearly no nothing about Safeguarding.

They enjoy helping and caring for the baby

So what?

Doesn't mean that they have to be allowed to do it!

No one is suggesting any ulterior motive from the 4 year old. The grown, unrelated, man who instructing her to do this, is in my opinion grooming her. Why didn’t he select the ‘go and fetch rhe wipes and nappies’ or the ‘play with her rattle while I change her’ or even asking her to help fasten the nappy.

But no, he’s selected the ‘rubbing in the cream’ activity. And then defending this when questioned.

He is grooming her to accept this to be a normal activity they do together. Much like tickling or a ‘game’

There is absolutely nothing innocent about this, other than the 4 year old who just wants to help

u could check his phone

Doesn't sound like you get 'the point' of any of this! NO-ONE is saying any child is wanting to act inappropriately themselves like some kind of sexual deviant - it's the adult man encouraging the inappropriate touching we're concerned about!!

I changed my cousins nappies when I was 8 but that was 30 years ago and I wasn’t instructed to do so by a male family member. It’s the rubbing part of this story I don’t like and his response to it, I’ll be honest.

In general I don’t have a view about older kids who are relatives pitching in with babies but I grew up with a large extended family and that’s just how we rolled.

Aside from safe guiding I would not trust a 4 year old to accurately apply nappy cream could over do it in the wrong places