Husband thinks it’s ok to let children change baby’s nappy

[Anonymous236864]

Am I being unreasonable in telling my husband I don’t want him to invite older children to ‘help’ change our baby’s nappy? Sure they can be helpful and bring the wipes over but he instructed an older girl (4yrs old) to rub barrier cream on my daughter. When challenged he said ‘but she likes it’.
I said that even though it’s innocent I don’t want either of these girls to grow up thinking other children or people other than a responsible care giver is okay to touch their private parts. He told me I was being ridiculous. As someone who was sexually abused as a child (an older child would touch me inappropriately) who found out later that these parts are private I really don’t want my child or other children to grow up not realising that private parts are private until it’s too late. Does that sound unreasonable?

Sounds crazy ! DS1 "helped" give a bottle and feeding (with me next to him) but I would never have involved him in changing his brother's diaper. That's for grown ups.

That is weird as hell.
Your baby is not a doll to be played with.

I wouldn’t be happy with this for a number of reasons

• a young child is being encouraged to touch the private areas of another child (this is sexual abuse)
• the child who is doing this to your baby is not learning boundaries. What happens when they try this with another friends baby? Or in nursery? This would be raised as a safeguarding concern if 4 year old shares what has been happening
• This could be grooming behaviour, would a 4 year old know the difference between playing babies with a baby and playing babies with an adult?
• For your child they will learn that it is okay for anyone to touch their private areas, and it’s not, you are right to be saying this shouldn’t happen

Lots of people will say these behaviours are okay and anyone who thinks they are not are being dramatic, however sexual abuse is a hidden abuse and the less we call out behaviours like this, the more we are saying it’s okay.

Sibling would be fine but not an unrelated child. Helping doesn’t need to involve touching.

Your husband needs to be told, with respect, he doesn’t understand the situation. He has no frame of reference here. It’s more important that children are taught private areas are private.

I would go one step further and say I find it strange that your husband’s defence of the situation is “but she likes it.” What?? The 4 year old “likes” rubbing barrier cream on the baby’s private areas? Or the baby likes the cream being rubbed?

Why is your DH encouraging this young child to do this activity? It’s fucking weird. Sayin “but she likes doing it” is fucking weird. Surely if you say you’re not comfortable with it he could just say “well it makes absolutely no difference to me as long as a nappy is changed.”
Why does he specifically defend it as something that needs to happen??

My thoughts exactly. It’s very odd wording from a man and I would be massively concerned. Always err on the side of caution with children - always.

It’s not about whether or not it’s innocent. It’s a four year old and a baby, of course it’s innocent! It’s more about setting out what’s right and wrong from the off.

In this situation you’d be giving the message to the four year old that it’s okay to touch someone’s genitals. You don’t know if in four years time the creepy man next door might ask her to do the same to him, and she’ll think “This is okay because I know mum and dad think it’s okay for me to rub cream on other people’s bits”.

Small children don’t understand the nuances. And I also feel the need to point out that the person who is the highest risk of sexually abusing a child is a sibling. It is five times more common than abuse by fathers/stepfathers. A lot of people don’t know that, and it isn’t talked about because it’s horrific to even contemplate but parents should be aware.

Ah. I am changing my mind. I assumed the 4 year old was a sibling. I wouldn’t be happy if they weren’t.

Anyone who thinks a 4 year old is somehow being inappropriate and sexually motivated by changing a babies nappy really needs their head examined

I would be closing supervising a teenage boy but even they need to learn how to do such things

It’s not about the 4 year old being sexually motivated, it’s about them not learning boundaries that will keep themselves and others safe.

Thank you, I was worried I was going to get flamed here for saying the husbands stance being very weird but let’s take your first point.

Encouraging a child to touch another child’s private area is sexual abuse.
OP’s husband is not only actively doing this but is defending the stance by saying the children involved enjoy this activity. Is he stood by watching this happen?
Again, why would he defend and need this to keep happening? Why is he trying to normalise this to you, OP?

Alarm bells should be ringing loudly.

Sounds like your husband is being lazy. It's fine to pass stuff over in the name of help, but not to rub cream. If I was the parent of the 4 year old child, I wouldn't be happy about it at all.

This

That’s really unhelpful language. The OP experienced abuse as a child and is checking in to understand the general view on this topic to measure against her instincts.

The 4 yo isn’t being inappropriate but the adult getting her to add the cream is. Clear safeguarding boundaries for all children are that the only people who touch your bottom are Mum/Dad or a medical professional. Blurring the boundaries isn’t really helpful.

And no teenagers don’t “need to learn how to change a nappy”.

I didn’t learn until I was pregnant- this isn’t a tricky skill, you don’t need years of practice.

No one besides the husband is suggesting the 4 year old is enjoying rubbing the other child’s private area. He specifically said she “enjoys” applying the barrier cream.

We are concerned that a grown adult man is encouraging an unrelated child to rub the private area of a baby. The adult encouraging and normalising it is the problem. Of course the 4 year old is innocent in this, but what kind of response is: “but the child enjoys it” ?? It sounds more like he enjoys it and is doubling down on normalising a behaviour despite OP clearly being very uncomfortable with it.

Any normal man would say “if you think it’s wrong, the child can help with a different activity.” - not “no the child specifically enjoys rubbing the cream in, so I want to keep having her do that.”

This isn’t a sibling, this is a completely unrelated 4 year old child.

WTF?
So you are cool with this and would be okay if it was a little boy instead of a girl?🙄
There are lots of ways a child can help but cleaning and creaming gentials isn't right.

No I think it’s completely inappropriate.

What do the 4 yos parents think about it? Because I’d have been appalled and wouldnt have allowed it.

Inappropriate.
Is your husband a lazy arse or just plain dim?
No your baby is not a doll for a 4 year old to play with.
I would get the pure Ick having to explain such basic shit to another adult.

I was team “of course this is fine” when I thought it was a sibling.

I’m now team “this is really weird”.

BUT I do know some people who spend so much time with their friends that they are like siblings, so I might be persuaded in that case. But I’m not that close to any of my friends children that this would be okay

It’s also about the baby learning it’s normal for other people outside immediate family being able to touch their genitals.

What about when they’re 5 and the 13 year old next door wants to rub cream on their genitals. Doesn’t seem as weird when mum and dad’s friend’s kid did it to you for years, while your dad knew about it - almost seems normal and not worth telling your parents about because they know this sort of thing happens anyway.

No that’s not on. Your baby is not a doll. And the girl will be receiving mixed messages regarding boundaries and appropriate touching of other people’s bodies.

By comparison, I have a just turned 5 DD and a 4mo DD. The elder sometimes like to help with changing the baby’s nappy. I ask her to fetch me things, to hold the baby’s hand, maybe do one nappy tab, and then she can may help with doing up a popper or two after. I may let her help me with moisturising baby after a bath, gently on one arm or leg. This is within context of a very loving sibling relationship under close supervision of their mother.

This.

Your DH needs to have safeguarding explained to him. It's not just that the 4 year old is learning it is ok to touch someone else's private parts, they are also learning it is ok for anyone to touch their own private parts.
And 'liking it' is a red flag. DC are (in some schools) learning that they should object to uncomfortable touching but also learning that pleasure is a good thing. This is a major safe-guarding matter all by itself. Doing something because 'you like it' doesn't mean it is ok. Your DH is missing this.
Does he know that you were abused? If not this may need counselling with both of you.
Congrats on DD.

Why would a friend’s child help with a nappy? Will your DH invite them to wipe your child’s bum when they start using a potty/toilet?

A sibling is a bit different but none of my kids wiped or rubbed cream on their younger siblings’ bottoms. A parent, GP or carer did.

Add to that your history of abuse, IMHO, your DH is being v insensitive.

OP, this is seriously concerning from your husband.

He is encouraging a child to touch the private parts of another child and explaining that ‘she enjoys it’
I would be exceptionally concerned around his own motivation here, him watching this activity whilst encouraging it is seriously sinister.

It sounds like HE is enjoying it as he is defending it in order for it to happen again. This needs seriously looking in to