Husband thinks it’s ok to let children change baby’s nappy

[Anonymous236864]

Am I being unreasonable in telling my husband I don’t want him to invite older children to ‘help’ change our baby’s nappy? Sure they can be helpful and bring the wipes over but he instructed an older girl (4yrs old) to rub barrier cream on my daughter. When challenged he said ‘but she likes it’.
I said that even though it’s innocent I don’t want either of these girls to grow up thinking other children or people other than a responsible care giver is okay to touch their private parts. He told me I was being ridiculous. As someone who was sexually abused as a child (an older child would touch me inappropriately) who found out later that these parts are private I really don’t want my child or other children to grow up not realising that private parts are private until it’s too late. Does that sound unreasonable?

Is the four year old's parents aware of this? From their perspective they may also be very uncomfortable with it. I would be.

My oldest dd has many siblings. Never has she applied nappy cream.

I don't really see the problem tbh. My eldest helped with his youngest siblings. Teaching children about how to provide intimate care while maintaining the baby's dignity is fine. A baby really doesn't care who changes them, as long as they are changed and no harm comes to them. An unrelated child is a bit iffy and I'd probably do the cream myself but tbf I never used cream. My eldest used to like doing the powder.

This is how we end up with generations of men who have no idea how to change a nappy. I'm a big believer in letting children attempt adult jobs, obviously with close supervision. They like feeling grown up and helpful.

The NSPCC helpline is open today. Please call and chat through this. Tbh I get a lot of bad vibes reading tft.
I didn’t like anyone but dh or me changing our babies nappies. A 4yo doesn’t need to help with barrier cream or touching private parts. In all honesty he’s either oblivious to his actions and needs educating. Or its another red flag that he is getting a fix from.

This isn't a sibling though, but a friend's child. It isn't OK.

Yep you are right and your husband is being absolutely weird.

Do you really think it’s ok for a man to tell a 4 year old to put cream on an unrelated baby’s genitals?

I completely agree, OP. I know this wasn't a sibling, but my answer would be the same if it was. Changing a baby's nappy is an adult job.

You gave poor advice and your response to being called out on it is to make a personal attack. You're not covering yourself in glory either.

Its absolutely not why we have generations of men unable to change a nappy.

"Pass the wipes please" "put the nappy in the bin" "can you please get the nappy cream?" = children helping in an acceptable way.

A grown man instructing an unrelated four year old child to put cream on a baby's nappy area and insisting they enjoy it when questioned. No.

Is he expecting a 4 year old to change shitty nappies? Is he just being g lazy and not wanting to do it himself? He must be mad. I'd point blank refuses to let a 4 year old change a babies nappy. They can bring nappy over or fetch wipes.

Hi op your dh is odd who the fuck let’s others peoples kids wipe a baby are you sure it’s not him enjoying it just tell him it’s a big fat no and he better not let it happen again.

@Rileysp

😂 That’s it Riley, if you can’t respond to an argument with a valid and challenging response, insult me. That will shut me up.

Unfortunately for you, I’m decades past the time when a man resorting to insults when someone challenges his world view would cause any upset. You carry on proving my point as much as you like.

When it comes to the safety and wellbeing of children, I’m just as vocal in real life. As all of us should be.

A sibling I was fine with.
I wouldn't have got friends children involved though. Except for passing stuff maybe.

I agree with this. I was abused by an older sibling. It’s important you teach the children that their private parts are only to be touched when necessary by the care giver. Private parts are not to be played with because it automatically generates sexual feelings when done in a certain way. Yes children feel these things regardless of puberty.

OP - it sounds like your husband is a paedophile - sorry to say. I suffered CSA too and that was my 1st thought after reading your post. You now have the majority of people hinting at what I've directly said. Your Husband was getting a thrill at having the power to direct a child to intimately touch another, possibly more so by doing it so openly. If he was my husband he'd be out the door and I'd be reporting to NSPCC or SS.

No. You're not being unreasonable.

I find it quite concerning that he is prioritising what a friend's 4 year old "likes" over your boundaries with your own child.

For me personally, nappy changes should be done by an adult. An older sibling can help pass wipes, nappy bags or stick the nappy into place. The cleaning, applying cream and positioning baby into the nappy etc is an adult only responsibility. This child isn't a sibling, at most she shouldn't be doing anything more than passing wipes. A 4 year old shouldn't be applying cream on a baby's private area. It's not appropriate at all, and if the 4 year old disclosed this at nursery, preschool or school it would be flagged as a safeguarding issue.

I absolutely agree with this, with the added probability he is grooming the 4 year old.

OP I know you don’t want to think this but you have to safeguard both of these children now. He is gaslighting you to ensure you don’t question him.

I would refuse to let him provide any form of intimate care as he does not seem to be a safe person

I was trying to be gentle when I brought this in earlier but I want to highlight this is exactly what I was getting at.

I echo what’s been said, please call and report this behaviour and get professional advice. It isn’t normal. It’s very upsetting.

I saw, but fuck not being direct when we're talking about a paedophile and child sexual abuse...

Reading comprehension, sweet. I literally said I'd do the cream myself.

It's been a long time since I changed a baby's nappy, but iirc, the smell of green poo (is that still a thing with modern baby food?) is enough to make an adult almost gag.

Under what circumstances would a 4yo enjoy this?

Idk if laziness or something more sinister, but I would be waiting til he is not around to check all his devices.

I imagined a scenario in which a baby staying at a friend's house is touched on the genitals by a friend's 4yo and how I would react - I would hit the roof. Why is it any more acceptable because it's done with adult supervision? Imagine how a school teacher would react if they saw that behaviour because it is "allowed" at home.

If a teacher wouldn't like it / would be tempted to call social services, then it certainly shouldn't be happening in your home, OP.