Sons seem concerned and overly interested in my relationship

[ElainBanana]

I am 65, 5 years ago my husband passed rather suddenly and understandably I was devastated. I have two sons who are 30 and 32, both married, eldest has a son of his own.

I took early retirement 3 years ago and found myself rather lonely, since then I’ve developed a relationship with a man who is 67 and has a daughter of his own. I wouldn’t know how to define the relationship, we both have our own properties, but spend most nights together. We don’t share a room, when he comes to mine most weekends he sleeps in the guest room, I do the same when I go to his during the week (he lives in the city where we tend to enjoy spending our week, while I live rurally). We spend our holidays together, at Christmas I went to his daughters, for new year my sons came to mine where I hosted. We have no intentions of getting married, we both still have very active social life’s that don’t include the other. He split from his wife 15 years ago, has been single since and his wife passed away 6 years ago but had been living in her home country for the 9 years before that.

My sons seem extremely interested and concerned in the nature of the relationship. My eldest has asked multiple times if he is my friends or my partner, what his relationship is to his child etc. I’ve reiterated multiple times that we are close friends who provide comfort to one and other and make the loneliness of retirement more bearable.

I can’t figure out why this comes up every time I see them and why they are so interested and confused by it.

Am I unreasonable to feel perplexed by their continued questioning and to wonder what I have to say for them to stop asking?

This is so bizarre. Ok, I can see your point about number 4 but surely the only factor that matters a jot when it comes to 1-3 is how much you personally like/get on with him? Why do arbitrary statuses and societal norms matter more to you than your actual relationship with a person? It’s the same the other way around when someone is an absolute cunt but their relatives pander to it because “they’re family” when they wouldn’t put up with the same behaviour from a friend. Makes zero sense.

He's your gentleman friend.

There has been a lot on TV recently about romance fraud and this may be worrying them...From what you say, its doesn't sound like you are at risk but I could understand the concern. Have you asked them directly if that is what they are concerned about?

I completely disagree, yes, of course it's normal to still be in love with your husband after he passes but that's still a rigid view that you dont want anything to change in the future. The OP's partner also has some rigid views about marriage. As I said, nothing wrong with that at all.

Who said anything about "demanding" - they have asked the OP. You can be curious about something without "demanding" but I realise you are trying to make them sound unreasonable so are using inflammatory language

Honestly just tell them you are partners and you are going to remain just dating and nothing more.

And mine! I

do agree with PP that they will want to know you're safe & not being taken advantage of but if they know that already & can see that for themselves also, then the continuing questioning will be because of concerns about their inheritance.

To have asked once or twice, fine. To keep on about it, not fine. it's none of their beeswax.

I think you should sit them down for a very stern talk/send them a very stern message along the lines of:

He's my companion and he stops me being lonely.

He's my friend and FYI not a friend with benefits, not that that's any of your business.

Neither of us has any wish to make the relationship deeper and we will NOT be getting married.

Your inheritance is safe.

Whether or not you should consider him part of the family is entirely up to you.

I don't pry into the details of your relationships so keep your beaks out.

Love, Mum.

They've been curious and keep asking, that turns into demanding and you can seek 'clarity' all you like but some things dont fit into a box as lots of us have said

She doesnt want anything to change, thats what she wants or doesnt want, nothing wrong with that. Its not 'rigid', its what she wants

I think I get it but I can see why you’d sons would have questions as it does sound like a bit of an “in limbo” set up- although you may be very happy with that.

I don’t understand that you say you’d be fine though if he were sleeping with someone else. Would you really be fine with that? Would that not change your dynamic completely? It seems that you have an exclusive set up at the moment?

Do you cuddle, kiss or hold hands etc? Are you physically attracted to him at all even if you don’t have sex?

IMHO there are two separate issues here.

You’re entitled to have a relationship that suits you. He’s your friend. That’s fine. None of anyone’s business whether you sleep together or have sex. Same as with your late husband.

But your sons (along with perhaps a few good friends or other family members) presumably know you best. Why are they asking so many questions? Are they concerned about this man? What do your friends think?

There are so many scammers who prey on lonely people, I can understand them being wary. Of course, you’re not planning on sharing any finances with him. But anyone who you haven’t known for long spending time in your home while you’re asleep in another room could be rooting through papers or devices to find passwords etc. So, your sons may need to be reassured that all your important paperwork, devices etc are locked away.

How did you meet this man? Have you thoroughly researched him? Have you met his friends other than just his daughter?

Sounds like a wonderful relationship. But (sadly) we all have to be wary these days, especially if a relationship almost seems too good to be true. Though, full disclosure, I have just watched Love Con Revenge!

Most people would probably call this man your boyfriend because he is clearly more than a friend. Some people never intend to marry their boyfriend. Some people barely have sex with their boyfriend (or don’t have sex at all). It’s the fact you won’t just call a spade a spade, I think, that’s causing the repeated conversations attempting to define him. Or companion, if you prefer. As you said, none of your female friends spend so much intimate time with you, so he’s clearly not “just a friend”.

eta also the exclusivity you mentioned, is not “just friends”. For the record I don’t think there is anything unusual about your relationship considering your widow-status etc, the only unusual thing is you don’t seem to want to just call it what it is.

I think you could all benefit from asking tour sons what part of what you've described are they struggling to understand and if they have any concerns, as obviously something is up.

I think unconventional set ups can be hard for society let alone loved ones to understand. What you've described sounds nice but is perhaps unconventional if you're labelling eachother as friends for others.

And the level of intrusion the OP is expected to tolerate from younger family members. This kind of relationship is much commoner that people seem to realise, especially amongst those previously in long term marriages/relationships. Its not unconventional or new.

Unless the OP lacks capacity there is no justification for constantly having to “explain” to the sons, show them documentation etc about her life. Its her business who she has as a companion day to day or evening to evening and bluntly its her business if she then decides to marry and leave her worldly goods to the local cats home.

As for any risk to children - the man isn’t living in the sons’ houses, he stays at the OP. There is no reason why he should be more of a risk than if she married him.

The OP was lonely and apparently the sons think she should stay lonely because they can’t cope with the notion of another man in her life.

"ElainBanana
I’ve suggested they use companion or close friend, it need not be more detailed."

I think your suggestion of companion is most applicable. The overnight stays may be the thing that is misunderstood as the relationship being more than companionship.

You do not have to share details with anyone but could tell your sons that whilst you enjoy the company, it is a deep friendship with a man whom you have a made a connection. This is not a romantic relationship and you are both happy to spend time together, including overnight stays, and time apart pursuing your own interests.

Assuring your sons that it is not a romantic relationship, therefore progression of living together, as a couple, or marrying is not applicable .

Defining the relationship for the son who asked what your companion is to your grandchildren, presumably his first name, gran's friend.

That was my first thought.

theyre probably wondering if some random man is going to end up walking away with their father’s money (as well as yours)

Doesn't it just! It gives me hope that that sort of relationship is possible. It's exactly what I want.

Have you actually been explicit with your sons about the inheritance part as this is 99% likely what they are worried about? This accounts for the concern about why they think it might be transitional and a slippery slope to marriage. They don’t have a right to know or a right to your money, but if you want to reassure them, can’t you just say you understand all potential worries inheritance and any money not spent on care will be completely protected for them whatever happens?

We don’t share any physical intimacy, no. This is why I struggle to call him my boyfriend as we don’t hold hands or kiss, neither of us have any interest in this.

I really think the details of the Ops relationship is private - we don't question what our kids get up to in private with their boyfriends. I am completely horrified that anyone thinks the OP needs to go into any detail about her companion. I would be asking them if they wanted to share the current state of their relationship. I would be bloody furious if my kids wanted to know if I kissed, slept beside or had sex with another man.

I don’t view him as my boyfriend, we don’t share any sort of intimacy.

We worked together for years, I have met many of his friends, he has met mine, I’ve gone on holiday with him and his friends, he has with mine.

None of my friends seem perplexed, nor does his daughter.

My sons seem unable to accept this isn’t a transitional stage.

And if it did turn out to be a transitional stage - would that be so awful?

I saw this when my late husband's ex acquired a new partner. Her previous partner had died suddenly; her new partner was a widower who had nursed his wife through a terminal illness.

The widower lost his accommodation a year after being widowed - this was through no fault of his own. He moved in with my husband's ex. It sounds incredible, but one of his adult grandchildren actually wrote a letter on behalf of the family in which they disowned him. (His family hadn't offered him a place to live: they expected him to accept his council's offer of a flat in a bad area.)

One of his children (and therefore one grandchild) eventually came round; the rest didn't until he was terminally ill himself.

They probably want to know if it's a "pair bond" relationship or not. They may be assuming a clean, conventional divide: sexual/romantic relationship = boyfriend, partner (most people only have one at a time, although obviously there are exceptions) vs. platonic relationship = friend (one of many, although this friendship may be your closest). In this case, it IS a pair bond relationship even if it's neither sexual nor romantic. While it may seem old-fashioned, "companion" is probably the best word.

Interesting that you say your sons assume that this must be a "transitional phase". Could they still (despite your explanations) be expecting or hoping (rather than fearing) that you'll eventually want to remarry or at least live with a new "life partner", and they think that this companionship might prevent you from moving on in that way? Or maybe they think one or both of you is expecting this relationship to develop/turn into a romance, and if it doesn't there will inevitably be a split? Since you've already explained the situation clearly to them, all you can do is remind them that you've already discussed it and nothing has changed.

Transitioning into what?

Like I have said he is a deeply religious man, he was split from his wife for 9 years before she died and never slept with anyone or had a relationship.
I am not interested in anything more than we have.
It has been multiple years now, why would it suddenly change when it doesn’t align with either of our wants, needs or belief for it to change?

I assume the posters who think it’s perfectly acceptable for adult children to have an input into their parents’ relationships are happy for their parents to demand the same of them? No? Didn’t think so.

OP’s relationship is none of their business.