Sons seem concerned and overly interested in my relationship

[ElainBanana]

I am 65, 5 years ago my husband passed rather suddenly and understandably I was devastated. I have two sons who are 30 and 32, both married, eldest has a son of his own.

I took early retirement 3 years ago and found myself rather lonely, since then I’ve developed a relationship with a man who is 67 and has a daughter of his own. I wouldn’t know how to define the relationship, we both have our own properties, but spend most nights together. We don’t share a room, when he comes to mine most weekends he sleeps in the guest room, I do the same when I go to his during the week (he lives in the city where we tend to enjoy spending our week, while I live rurally). We spend our holidays together, at Christmas I went to his daughters, for new year my sons came to mine where I hosted. We have no intentions of getting married, we both still have very active social life’s that don’t include the other. He split from his wife 15 years ago, has been single since and his wife passed away 6 years ago but had been living in her home country for the 9 years before that.

My sons seem extremely interested and concerned in the nature of the relationship. My eldest has asked multiple times if he is my friends or my partner, what his relationship is to his child etc. I’ve reiterated multiple times that we are close friends who provide comfort to one and other and make the loneliness of retirement more bearable.

I can’t figure out why this comes up every time I see them and why they are so interested and confused by it.

Am I unreasonable to feel perplexed by their continued questioning and to wonder what I have to say for them to stop asking?

That may be your age group.

It’s very common with the over 60s I know, but admittedly they could be having sex - I’ve just never felt the curiosity or need to grill them!!

I thought of the Disney dog 😂

Why is this anyone else’s business?!

They might be worried about their inheritance, and I mean that in a kindly way OP.
If your sons get on your nerves with their constant questions just tell them you are FWB and end the conversation.

Language you used not me...you said -
My sons seem unable to accept this isn’t a transitional stage. What did you mean when you said a transition stage?

My partners Nan had a similar relationship with a lovely gentlemen. They chose to be 'life companions'. No sex or anything, but it meant they had a deep friendship type connection and they weren't alone.

Follow the money.

Your sons' concerns and curiosity is around that, they are not into whether you are intimate or not, they don't care about that.

What they do care about IMV is what your will might say. I know neither of you is interested in the other's money, but in time that could change.

so you don't need to explain yourself or your relationship to anyone. Its working for you both and thats a rare thing in senior years.

maybe reassure your sons about finances. also make sure you will not be expected to be a nurse with a purse if your companion becomes ill. Very important that.

My mum was widowed at 62 - 8 years ago now.

We quite often hear mentions of "my friend David..." But we figure that if there was something we needed to know, she'd tell us.

I'd guess your sons are just making sure you're safe and happy, which it sounds like you are. I'd say it was normal for them to be interested in knowing about a person you're spending a lot of time and emotional energy on.

They will be worried about inheritance

It will be inheritance and they are worried about this man's intentions towards you. It does sound an odd set up so i can understand their concern. I think it is a normal concern as we age we get more vulnerable due to an increase in needs and an increase in frailty. Of course you are young at the moment but in 10 years time you will be starting to get more elderly.

No advise re your sons but your set up with your chap sounds great!

Bloke here

From the other side. I started seeing my partner in my late 50s. She has three sons - two of whom were in their late 30s at the time. They were, understandably, protective, of her and the older one gave me the "if you hurt my mum" speech. Which was fine 🙂

She can look after herself but had been hurt in the past. She was clear that we were not going to get married or move in together which suited me fine. That was to protect herself financially (and any inheritance).

15 years later we are still happily living apart together. The sons and I get on very well too

In this case, anyway, their concerns had nothing to do with any inheritance.

Well the OP has put it out there on a public forum so it’s ok to ask questions surely? Possibly some of the same questions that her sons may have.

I have absolutely not suggested the OP gives a detailed account of her relationship especially as she has written numerous times there is no intimacy so I'm not sure why you have quoted me.

I wrote that she does not need to share details but she sought advice for how to address this situation with her sons to stop them regularly bringing it up and enquiring if he should be her plus-one at events and his role within the family regarding her grandchild.

If it reads differently, that was not my intention.

I understand perfectly from your explanation. I think companion is a good term. My MIL has a similar setup and it suits her very well.

It’s nice that your sons are interested and concerned but, really, it’s only anyone else’s business as far as you’re happy to make it so. It should arguably reduce any concern your sons have for you as you’re less lonely.

Tell them you both share a love of S&M.
I doubt he will be so rude as to mention your PRIVATE life again.
Because he is being bloody rude..

I think your relationship with him sounds lovely and just what I would want if on my own again. I am also in my sixties. Just tell them he is your companion and you don't intend to marry again if that is the case. Explain you would appreciate him being invited to family things as your companion when appropriate.

Hey op it sounds like your a platonic friend nothing more or less. I think they probably hate the idea of you having sex tbh. Just tell them outright if you have to spell it out we are friends no intimacy involved.

They are very right. Unfortunately a minority of people seeking to date later in life are more interested in inheritance and properties than the actual person.

It's the inheritance and I don't blame them.

The joint fortune your late husband and yourself built up may be in jeopody for your children.
If you don't undertand this then you probably are niave enough to fall in love, marry and leave your wealth to a new man.

Just reasure them you won't marry and their inheritance is safe.
Stop acting clueless.

Ok I understand this more now. So he really is just like a best friend. I’d not even say “companion” as to me that suggests some kind of intimacy - even if that were just holding hands or cuddling up on the sofa.

Would your sons understand it more if you described him as a very close friend but that you do not see him any way a “partner” as you do not see him in that way? Your set up is mutually beneficial and you both enjoy each-other’s company but it is a completely platonic friendship.

PLATONIC -

Play for you, and tonic for him!

Enjoy your friendship and companionship. 😊

That sounds really traumatic. To disown someone for finding love in later lufe is quite bizarre and cruel.

Aside from inheritance and such things, which I think is a major part of it, I do think some grown up children struggle emotionally with their parents being with someone new. Maybe its because they're compelled to see them a differently, not just as two-dimensional parents who are expected to to behave in a certain way. They have to see them as human with hopes, aspirations, emotional and indeed sexual needs.

My Mum found someone in her middling years and with him she found some happiness. I was happy she had found a new life.

I think it's no harm that they are keeping an eye out for you. If it was me, I would let them as it doesn't go overboard. Ye haven't been together that long really and it makes you less vulnerable to him if he knows you have family around. If it gets too much, you could have a chat with them and find out their concerns

They are worried about their inheritance. They are worried if you marry him then his daughter might end up co-beneficiary. If you marry him without a pre nup or ax will saying your sins inherit everything, he would inherit and when he dies it would go to his daughter.