AIBU to think by age 40 I should have more say over how I spend my days?

[Whenisitmyturn29384]

I know im being unreasonable, and its just the demands of family life but im feeling really pissed off.
When this happens I find myself acting like a stroppy teenager because I feel like im being parented even though im 41 years old.

I have elderly parents , always wanting ,needing something.
I have teenagers , always wanting lifts, money, arranging social lives without even asking me first then expecting me to drop everything and take them here, there and everywhere.
I work in education so I am lucky to get 2 weeks off at Christmas. I was in need of a rest as im knackered and have some health problems. I want to put my feet up, not get dressed, read a book, take a bath, watch tv, eat crap.
Instead every day has been spent entertaining others, running errands, taking kids, doing what my husband wants. There are only a few days left of the holidays, my plan was to chill out as I haven't had much chance. This morning before id even had the first sip of my cuppa , hes on at me what tme are we going out, need to go here, here and here. Tomorrow doing this and Friday you need to take teenager and her friend shopping.
Im sick of it! I stomped my foot and stormed off like a stroppy teenager but thats how I feel. Im now sulking upstairs begrudgingly getting ready.
I dont want to do these things!! When will it be my time? When can I do what I want ?

This one is on you, op

It is your choice how you spend your time.

Well of course, the OP can make any rules she likes, it's just easier if the teenagers have other transport options.

I’m sorry to sound unsympathetic but the lifts for the teenagers come as part of the contract if you live rurally. They didn’t choose to live in the arse end of nowhere. The adults made that decision and now have to live with the consequences until the young people have licenses. You can probably tell that I believe it’s ridiculous to live in the sticks with teenagers - unless you are quite literally a farmer whose living depends on living rurally.
As much as I love ‘This Country’ I would never, ever raise kids where they can’t leave the house without a lift.

This.

Although the teens need to be less entitled about lifts, the context means that giving the kids lifts is fair given it's the parents who choose where the family live.

The teens need a reminder to be polite and less pushy and accept a no from time to time in the context of generally lifts being provided if feasible - but overall it is far more a "D"H problem than a teenagers problem.

As my Gran always says. If you don’t want people to wipe their feet on you, don’t act like a doormat.

with teenagers and older parents it is all about boundaries

not their boundaries, but your own

the teens want to go shopping? Of course they can but you cannot take them

as you are off with friends/out to the gym/going for a walk on the beach, whatever, or maybe you are going shopping but it is on your terms and you decide where and when

for me it was important to get my own hobby, I took up tennis at 45 and it’s funny how people respect your own time if it is a planned event (“sorry but I have a match in that afternoon” or “I can drop you in town but you’ll need to get dad/bus/friend’s parent to take you home as I have a coaching session to go to)

you can have “you time” but you need to plan it and put it in the diary, and it needs to be outside the home or it won’t happen

When my DCs got to be teenagers then I made it very clear that if they wanted to maximise the chance of me agreeing to giving them a lift then they should give me lots of notice. Ask me two weeks in advance? Sure, I'll put it on my calendar and plan around it. Ask me two days in advance? You might get a "no", or at least an "ok but it'll have to be at <x> time that suits me because I've got other plans". Ask me 20min in advance? You're probably going to get a "no" unless you're lucky.

I made explicit exceptions for "You're out late at night and everything's gone horribly wrong and you need rescuing" but I'm not a taxi service. I've got a life and plans too and just because I'm older it doesn't make those plans any less worthwhile.

You really do sound like a taxi service for your son. Not in a good way

Definitely start being less available - and particularly to your husband. Mine has a habit of asking me everything rather than working stuff out for himself. My stock answer is now ‘I don’t know’ to pretty much everything that isn’t clearly within my expertise - he can use Google or websites just as well as everyone else!

Teens in a rural area are harder but they need to understand that you’ll prioritise the lifts - so getting them home when all transport is finished is more important than a lift to make life easier / quicker. Am glad I live in the outskirts of London - there is no where really DS can’t get to under his own steam.

You didn't HAVE to do it, you chose to. And even if you weren't willing to leave them stranded, you certainly didn't have to take them to the next place.

Husband thinks he can dictate - well, is he right to think so, or is he wrong? You can decide that. You don't have to be dictated to.

Have you ever thought about just being a bit less available? Like, going somewhere fun, on your own? And turning your phone off? You don't have to answer every time. I think you'll find they work something out, and the sky won't fall.

There is a group of about 20 lads

That's 30+ parents that can be giving lifts. Why do you end up doing it so much?

No matter what, your kids have to ask you if you can drive them before agreeing to any activity. You are not their built in chauffeur. This calling and expecting you to drive multiple kids home to "freshen up", then out again and back is pure bullshit. One drive out and back a couple times a week is plenty. I wouldn't be driving anybody anywhere after one pickup. You need to limit the rides and tap other parents.

You're martyring yourself for nothing. Your kids don't appreciate it. And it sure won't help your health issues.

Why aren't both you and your husband insured on each other's cars? Why isn't his in the shop getting fixed? Why can't he run an errand by himself? Why can't you put your foot down and say no?

It's time for a Come to Jesus meeting with your family. Think about what you need to prioritize in the coming year. You really need to get your health issues seen to. Get that other car fixed. Permission first before any activities and they are limited, not daily. Set up everything you can for your parents on auto and give them x hours a week x1, unless emergency. Get any kids of age licensed to drive.

It sounds like your husband is a drain on you and you should address that with him privately.

Isn't your husband doing 50% of the lifts?

I would tell your son to be more considerate of your time-ferrying them back home is fine but they don't need to go back out again.

This really does sound like you have options you are not yet using. This is good - quick wins are good.

Eg when son rings "yes sure I can pick you up. I'll leave in 10/15 mins". Finish your coffee and then go. It won't kill them, and if it makes them slightly more likely to call someone else's parent next time, no harm done. And you can gently encourage dropping them at bus stops etc rather than their destination, or dropping them one way and teens can get another parent to collect later rather than hanging around for them. Whatever the norms are in your group you have the option of nudging them a bit. If they are calling you over and over, they are probably trying you first (perhaps you are the most responsive?) so you may well be doing much more than your fair share. I bet if you say "no" or "later" a bit more often they will be fine.

Isn't your husband able to drive your car? It's a bit annoying having to reset the seat but it's worth it.

I honestly think they will appreciate you more, not less, if you starting pushing back a bit.

Definitely time for your kids and husband (and parents tbf) to learn boundaries. They need to ask in advance. You have the right to say no. If you say no, then they need to solve the problem themselves. Carve aside time (write it in your diary or put it on the calendar "Mum not Available All Day") and then make sure you have a few of those days marked regularly - up to you what you do with them, but they're yours. Go shopping, put your feet up, have a spa day, watch tv - whatever, they're yours. Stick to it and they'll learn. If at any point you feel a flicker of self doubt, look to your daughter - when she is 40, do you want her role model to be a martyr, to think mothers and wives just run around looking after everyone, or do you want her to see that she is her own person, with her own boundaries and ability to say no!? You're doing them good seeing this, even if they don't like it right now. You're also doing yourself good, which is very valid and important.

I genuinely can’t imagine being an adult and not at least wanting to drive so they have their own independence.

We have a neighbour here who posts on the local facebook page frequently “anyone free to take me to pets at home” etc. it’s really weird. We aren’t a small village we are quite a large town.

Just say no! Tell your kids and DH that over the next two days you’re taking time for yourself, if they want to go out etc they do it without your input. It really is that simple.

Have you ever heard of a bicycle?

What’s really awful here is how judgemental you are being. You have no idea what their life is like, they might have just had a really shit day and needed that, they also might be really consistently shit parents but seeing them once parenting in a way that you wouldn’t choose is proof of nothing.

I am really proud of you. Genuinely.

OP, I'm in an incredibly similar situation to you and I had to start saying 'no' more as I became seriously unwell, so I was forced to stop.

My teens either walk themselves or get public transport to the town they want to shop in. When there were 4 going they chipped in for a taxi as it made it cheaper. When I was a teenager, I used to get the bus or trains up to London etc. If they want to go, they'll find a way.

Start saying no more. Protect your peace. Don't do what I did and push yourself so far that you permanently break.

This is your body warning you...it's too much.
I use replies like:

'That won't work for me, you'll have to manage it...'

I'm not available at that time/day...

I've done enough this week, it's someone else's turn...

The world won't implode if you stop. If your family want that 'thing' enough they'll do it themselves or figure it out.

Best wishes to you.

I've just come back as saw updates saying you live semi-rurally. We did too! We often had to change trains/ buses. Or sometimes have a 30 min walk the other side. They could have an adventure. I am sure if they do it once or twice it will feel easier.

You need to set out ground rules with the kids. Things need to be planned ahead of time - still give lifts but no just calling up demanding, it has to be pre planned.

I hear you! I have no say over my days either. Can’t remember the last time I did anything for me. This year things need to change.

Learn how to set boundaries. You've basically trained your family to treat you like this. It's your fault. Say no politely. Then go and do your things.

Have you actually told him that you need some down time at home?

DH and I have different ideas of what constitutes enjoying time off from work. He doesn't want to 'waste' time doing 'nothing' at home. Doing 'nothing' at home is what I need to do to relax. The festive period has been full on for us so far, seeing loads of people and travelling here there and everywhere. I am exhausted and desperate for some down time, which is what I'm insisting on for the next few days. He's welcome to do what he wants. The kids have barely had chance to play with their new toys and want some time at home too.
My social battery is empty. I like to cook and today im making focaccia and slow roast pork and braised red cabbage. This is relaxing for me.