AIBU to think by age 40 I should have more say over how I spend my days?

[Whenisitmyturn29384]

I know im being unreasonable, and its just the demands of family life but im feeling really pissed off.
When this happens I find myself acting like a stroppy teenager because I feel like im being parented even though im 41 years old.

I have elderly parents , always wanting ,needing something.
I have teenagers , always wanting lifts, money, arranging social lives without even asking me first then expecting me to drop everything and take them here, there and everywhere.
I work in education so I am lucky to get 2 weeks off at Christmas. I was in need of a rest as im knackered and have some health problems. I want to put my feet up, not get dressed, read a book, take a bath, watch tv, eat crap.
Instead every day has been spent entertaining others, running errands, taking kids, doing what my husband wants. There are only a few days left of the holidays, my plan was to chill out as I haven't had much chance. This morning before id even had the first sip of my cuppa , hes on at me what tme are we going out, need to go here, here and here. Tomorrow doing this and Friday you need to take teenager and her friend shopping.
Im sick of it! I stomped my foot and stormed off like a stroppy teenager but thats how I feel. Im now sulking upstairs begrudgingly getting ready.
I dont want to do these things!! When will it be my time? When can I do what I want ?

You have to communicate your needs. Say no. It’s that simple, I promise.

You need to learn the joy of saying no. 🤣

It sounds like everyone takes it for granted that you're their free taxi driver.

I like the concept of "managed failure", which gives people a bit of a transitional phase.

I'd pick an occasion where the teenagers could make other transport options like bus or uber, then say no to the lift. If they insist, point them towards your husband to ask him.

Same with your parents. Where there's an essential need like a hospital appointment or operation, be there. But not for errands where there is any possible alternative.

They are wearing you out! And ultimately that's not in anyone's interests, if you burn out altogether. Or become snappy and resentful.

Hey op you feel resentful which is understandable as your life revolves around everyone else. Why did you live rurally it was bound to happen that kids need lifts, parents will need support as they get older you can either say no now and then but they won’t be around forever so the help isn’t forever as for your dh that’s easy we are going there here and every where you say no not today I have my own plans if you want me to do this and that you let me know then I will decide. Op let him use your car to do lifts get himself out you are not joined at the hip and you are free to say NO out loud.

This

CONSTANT CARE !? 🤣

I honestly would have laughed in my mum's face when I was a teenager if she suggested I needed 'constant care'!

Mind you she is a very independent woman herself, and I always enjoyed being independent, too. Got myself to and from school which was an hour away from the age of 11. Deep cleaned the house and car for a couple of quid for the bus into town (an hour away) from age 12. Could sew myself the alternative clothing I wanted but couldn't afford by age 12. Cooked my own meals/baked my own sweet treats from age 14. Had a part time job as soon as I turned 16 and started driving lessons by 18. Wrote all my own applications for jobs and for college, then uni... Got myself to all my interviews on my own... Had my own phone contract and credit card by 18. Think I may have even started paying my mum a small amount of rent. Left home for uni and started privately renting at 21. Never looked back.

It didn't ever occurred to me that my mum should be wiping my arse until I was 18.

Bet you give your 18 year olds 'pocket money' each week for simply existing 🤣

And we wonder why the young adults are too anxious to function...

Why can’t you say no?
teenagers should be able to get around buses? And you can defo let your hubby do what he likes alone so need of holding hands there too…
Maybe say it loud and clear? “For the next few days, I am not going anywhere”.

Then put your feet up and don’t move them down.

You need to start putting boundaries in place. Teenagers can either get themselves somewhere or they don’t go. When I was in my teens, we walked. Don’t answer the phone to parents, make everyone wait. The more you do, the more people will lean on you. Tell DH he can go out tomo but you aren’t going anywhere. Put your foot down before you burn out.

👀

Constant care is a no go for teenagers. They are almost adults.

For elderly, it is different as they might not be able to. However op should defo back out what they can do alone and she doesn’t want to because she also need to breathe herself it seems :)

Under cover of darkness, take a nail and a hammer.

Go to your car-feel your way-don't use a torch.

Drop down next to your tyre and position the nail over it.

Using the hammer, bang as hard as you can on the nail.

Try to get it in as deep as you can.

When you are next asked to get in your car to be a car slave, do so.

Act surprised when it won't move.

Go back into the house and relax.

That is not a long term solution-you have had lots of good advice about that-but it will give you three days of peace.

Get a taxi to work on Monday.

I’m 74. Done all the OP is doing. Now looking after grandchildren-who are lovely. It’s part of being in a family.

I’m 45 with small kids and whilst it’s the life I chose, I also feel the perimenopause decline in estrogen making me want to do more for me and put a bit less in the mothering sacrifice bucket.

@Whenisitmyturn29384 what’s your DH doing? Dictating time out sounds like something you should do, if that is what he is doing. Also if you’ve done the lifts just now why is it you going back out? Taking it in turns seems like a basic fix to the endless running about.

It would be such a shame if you drank half a bottle of wine with your tea and can't take anyone anywhere! Why can't husband do it in your car? (If you don't drink, it would be such a shame if you sprained your ankle tripping over something..... ).

Just say no. Why did you strop off and then still get dressed? Just say that you're not going out today and if your H wants to go, he can go alone and drive your car. Then go into the bathroom with your book and take a long bath.

I'm still in my pjs today - it's been lovely (I had a shower and got changed into them).

And your H? Bloody hell put your foot down and tell him to do stuff alone. It'd drive me mad.

Well saying "no" would be a little bit more straightforward I think.

Learn to say no.
you say you have teenagers so I’m going to assume they are ages with mine or perhaps a small bit younger , iam 37 with two teens who are well able to bring themselves places. Buy tyem a bus/train pass

I hear you, it sounds like you’re juggling so much and it’s really draining. It’s hard when everyone else’s needs keep taking priority, and you just want some time to yourself to recharge. It’s not unreasonable to want to relax and take care of yourself, especially when you’re dealing with health issues. You deserve a break too. Maybe it’s worth having an open conversation with your family about setting some boundaries or carving out a little more "me time" for yourself.
Hang in there — it’s tough, but your time is just as important!

Never seen anyone whose username suits them less 😂

Stop waiting on people, you need to make it clear if you are supposed to be part of plans there needs to be a request, in advance, which you can say no to- whether it's children or husband.
Fundamentally, though, your lack of freedom stems from the decision you made to have children, when I was 41, if I wasn't working, and i wanted to not get dressed read a book eat crap etc I just did it, but I decided not to have children, When your children are all at least 18 I suggest all errands and lifts stop- and it is your time, you will need plenty of "me" time in the run up to menopause.

I know but if she could do that, then every single post offering her advice would be redundant, including yours!

As others have said, learn to say no🤷‍♂️

Yes, pretty much how I feel. A taxi driver and running errands, plus 2 hyper younger kids. Have more of a rest when I go back to work and they go to school

It’s the 1st of January. A new year. Start that year as you mean to go on. Buy a huge calendar and get everyone to use it. Go through it together and YOU tell 'them' which or what you can, or are able to do. Anything over and above that is down to them.

Any arguments, then they don’t get any help at all.

Does your husband drive? Why isn’t he doing his bit as well? You and he need a talk as well.

Unfortunately it will take some time, but persevere, otherwise you’ll still be doing all this in 5, 10, 20 years time.

This is not unusual (though it shouldn’t be common) but only you can change things but prioritising yourself more. Have a family candar & put it somewhere we herd everyone can see it (if you don’t have one). Block days off for rest etc. Get the children to check about lifts before finial using arrangements with their friends if t her y need a lift. Get your husband to share taxi duties. Also tell him that he doesn’t need you by his side all the time & in any case to discuss & agree plans with you in advance.

Retreat to the bedroom. Put a sign up saying not taking requests, off duty, sort yourselves out. Love you all. Laters.

Have a candle lit bath, get a takeway and stick a film on (with headphones so you can't hear any demands).

They'll get the message

Tell everyone to p* off. Shut the door, lock it and let everyone get on with it.
Come out when you are ready.
You are doing it wrong...they all have you running after them, you are understandably totally knackered after a term and school but nobody else feels that. They just see them and what they want. So they demand, you get annoyed BUT YOU STILL DO IT. Get annoyed and DONT do anything. Rest up and stand your ground.
Nobody is running after u. Take your rest or you will never get it.