AIBU to think by age 40 I should have more say over how I spend my days?

[Whenisitmyturn29384]

I know im being unreasonable, and its just the demands of family life but im feeling really pissed off.
When this happens I find myself acting like a stroppy teenager because I feel like im being parented even though im 41 years old.

I have elderly parents , always wanting ,needing something.
I have teenagers , always wanting lifts, money, arranging social lives without even asking me first then expecting me to drop everything and take them here, there and everywhere.
I work in education so I am lucky to get 2 weeks off at Christmas. I was in need of a rest as im knackered and have some health problems. I want to put my feet up, not get dressed, read a book, take a bath, watch tv, eat crap.
Instead every day has been spent entertaining others, running errands, taking kids, doing what my husband wants. There are only a few days left of the holidays, my plan was to chill out as I haven't had much chance. This morning before id even had the first sip of my cuppa , hes on at me what tme are we going out, need to go here, here and here. Tomorrow doing this and Friday you need to take teenager and her friend shopping.
Im sick of it! I stomped my foot and stormed off like a stroppy teenager but thats how I feel. Im now sulking upstairs begrudgingly getting ready.
I dont want to do these things!! When will it be my time? When can I do what I want ?

Like other people have said, you need to establish some hard boundaries. I think us mums put ourselves last, but you definitely need to stop being everyone's servant right now. You should get a family calendar in the kitchen and block out mum time when you are not available, and get kids to put in when they need lifts etc so you can say yes or no when convenient. Why is your husband not pulling the weight as well? He sounds useless. The same goes for your elderly parents. It's not cruel to not pander to everyone all the time.

Oh the age old Rural Dwelling Mumsnetter.... Does no one live even in a large village, let alone a town or City??

Kids can get an Uber - there's enough of them it seems to split costs.
Husband sounds so needy - ick. Why can't he go anywhere on his own?
Why can't he drive your car? We just have 2 cars, they "belong" to the family and we interchange what we drive depending on the task, I don't get this "my car" thing in a marriage unless one is a company car or something.

Basically, you get what you accept. One thing I have got really bored of this last year is the rise in SM posts from women complaining about their endless martyring of themselves to their families but refusing to make any changes or advocate for themselves.

Oh the age old Rural Dwelling Mumsnetter.... Does no one live even in a large village, let alone a town or City??

What a weird comment. Of course some people live in villages, towns and cities; there are many, many posts here that make reference to that when it's relevant. But why would THIS poster say she lives in a large village or city when she doesn't? In any case, she says "semi-rurally", not "rural" - meaning that she's in the countryside with access to shops and services nearby - but "nearby" can mean a 20 minute drive. There are loads of places where there are no or very infrequent buses or Ubers and taxis generally need to be booked ahead - check the western Highlands or the Hebrides, just for example.

I co parent teens and am divorced. Life is quite lonely and quiet and dull a lot of the time. I’d sooner be busy and have more relationships in my life.
Your post is completely irrelevant to the OP.
You are invalidating her feelings.
Op sounds exhausted and taken for granted.

I grew up in a village bus once an hour to one place not before 9 and not after 5.

Parents had one car so learnt very early lifts were not guaranteed and often had to be asked for negotiated for well in advanced - even summer jobs had to work out how I was getting there and back. I've never lived in anywhere less than a town and most cities - would never live that rural again.

You can say no even if you live semi rurally - know my parents and most in the village can and did and we all had to manage all grew up perfectly normal adults.

We have a shared diary on our phones - kids have to check what’s in it before they make plans - and check if we’re free to take them places before they add anything in. Works really well for us.
it’s definitely ok to say no & have some time for yourself :-)

So DH can drive your car and fetch lads. Why should you?

I have much empathy OP, and if you are not careful you will accumulate more responsibility as you are “useful and competent”.

I have now decided that a certain amount of incompetence is no bad thing. It forces others to learn life skills and if they mess it up it is another valuable learning opportunity.

Looking forward to immediate relocation post all kids being 18 to small central London flat and giving up on “competence” as some sort of ordained female task for other people

This is so important! My DS uses buses and trains, and is also expected to walk anywhere within 30 mins radius. If I didn't want to take him shopping, I would not go. I also wouldn't give him money if he asked for it. He has to manage a budget. My husband and I agree leisure time together, too. OP needs to stick up for herself.

Stop moaning. You chose to have kids. Kids that need constant care until 18 when they leave home.

likewise everyone’s parents when they get old, need constant care.

It’s called sacrifice. Everyone has your predicament, but they just shut up and get on with it.

zero sympathy from me.

It’s difficult because as a parent, you can’t really expect to just put your feet up and not do anything for 2 weeks over Christmas, however your teens definitely need to show you more respect and ask before they arrange things. Mine are 14 & 12 and would never arrange anything without asking me or their father first. We live rurally so they rely on us / friends parents for lifts still, and understand that this is a privilege not a right. If I were you I just would be unavailable for anything that isn’t on the calendar and previously agreed upon. Take yourself off out in the car, park up somewhere and read your book for a few hours. That should get the message across. We have a month-to view family calendar on the fridge and anything that has been agreed is on there - other things do happen spontaneously as well, but only if it fits with everyone in the house.

it’s trickier with parents, I’m lucky in that mine and the in-laws appreciate lifts and favours but are still very independent and they live 100s of miles away,

Why are you running your teens around like a taxi driver? They need to start arranging their own transportation. My parents never gave us lifts anywhere.

Living rurally, as a conscious choice with children, means that you do end up being a taxi a lot more. It can be annoying but the teenagers didn't choose to live there. So in that respect, it is just a fact of your life.

However. You have a DH and he needs to do half of it with the DCs.
(also: you just made coffee? then you drink that before you collect anyone. They want to go out again this evening? it is at a time that is convenient to you as much as them etc)

Do you have siblings? If yes, and they are close enough, they have to step up. If no, or they are not close enough, you need to talk about their neediness with your parents. And that yes, you can help them, but not all the time and not at the drop of a hat.

You also need to have an idea of the week's plan that everyone has, and there needs to be reliability rather than too much flexibility. It is draining, sorry.

It's the same for all women. As others have said time to call a family meeting & explain you need some time for yourself. Or risk burn out. Can I drive a family member to hospital before a late shift? Well yes I can but to my own detriment 🙁

You need to set boundaries. No direct bus routes means there IS a bus route, it's just not as quick as the car and your kids are using it to guilt you.

We moved somewhere semi rurally when I was a teen. It was an hour's bus to the city and then another 30 minutes to my friends. It wasn't the most fun journey, but it was fine. In the age of tiktok, Spotify and endless games and apps, I'm sure your children could survive a non direct bus route somewhere.

If there's solutions you're choosing to ignore you're making an active choice to live like this.

It's your own fault. They're treating you like a doormat.

Why can't your husband give the teens a lift. Can he not drive your car?
What would happen if you said no

Give the kids bus fares to go shopping. Tell your husband that if he needs to do things he can get on with it as you are having time off. Personally, at times like that I take the dog and disappear on a nice quiet walk with a cafe or pub at the end of it where I can chill with a nice cup of coffee before meandering back

Group of 20 lads who are old enough to want to 'freshen up' before going onto the next place... You live semi-rurally, so probably pretty well off...

None of them 16/17 yet so they can learn to drive?

Although I doubt they would give up you and the other parents being their private local taxi firm 🤣

All part of being a mum, I suppose. I am fortunate that all of our elderly parents have now passed away (you know what I mean!) but all the other things apply. My kids luckily don't ask for much and hubby just goes out on his bike whilst I do all the household chores. I just feel lucky to have time off work (like you I work in education) to get things done.

As others have said, calmly put your foot down and ask for at least one day a week of the holidays to yourself. You deserve it.

Are you an eldest daughter OP?

So much brilliant advice here. I’m really hoping you’ll pop back in a day or so and tell us that you told them all to get to Fuck and you’ve been in blissful solitude in a hotel or somewhere peaceful.

Love from a busy full time working mum/wife/daughter, who would go insane without solo time to recharge (I take plenty when needed) 👋 xxx

At 41, surely your parents can’t be that elderly? I’m very nearly 68 and don’t have children and have to fend for myself!

Tell them you are ill and retreat to your room. Have a rest day and then make a plan for how you want things to pan out in future. We have to do everything for young children - not for teenagers! They need to plan their time and request lifts ahead of time. If not convenient say NO.

This.

I can't drive for health reasons so I live in a town and I sent my DS to the local catchment school so that he would make local friends. He organises his social life independently and walks, cycles or gets the bus to see friends.

So I do think you and your husband need to provide lifts if you've chosen to live rurally.

However, your husband not doing anything without you is absolutely ridiculous and I would guess that this sort of controlling behaviour is at the root of all your problems. I'd put my foot down here to start with OP. He needs to behave like a grown adult and do things independently of you.