AIBU to think by age 40 I should have more say over how I spend my days?

[Whenisitmyturn29384]

I know im being unreasonable, and its just the demands of family life but im feeling really pissed off.
When this happens I find myself acting like a stroppy teenager because I feel like im being parented even though im 41 years old.

I have elderly parents , always wanting ,needing something.
I have teenagers , always wanting lifts, money, arranging social lives without even asking me first then expecting me to drop everything and take them here, there and everywhere.
I work in education so I am lucky to get 2 weeks off at Christmas. I was in need of a rest as im knackered and have some health problems. I want to put my feet up, not get dressed, read a book, take a bath, watch tv, eat crap.
Instead every day has been spent entertaining others, running errands, taking kids, doing what my husband wants. There are only a few days left of the holidays, my plan was to chill out as I haven't had much chance. This morning before id even had the first sip of my cuppa , hes on at me what tme are we going out, need to go here, here and here. Tomorrow doing this and Friday you need to take teenager and her friend shopping.
Im sick of it! I stomped my foot and stormed off like a stroppy teenager but thats how I feel. Im now sulking upstairs begrudgingly getting ready.
I dont want to do these things!! When will it be my time? When can I do what I want ?

It is so important to say no and prioritise your own self care - for your own well being and so your kids don't grow up to be thoughtless and unable to see the needs of other people. Put your foot down and tell them YOUR plans - 'I'm having a duvet day, don't factor me into any aspect of your arrangements, thanks.' It is okay for teenagers to miss out on a social activity so a parent can have a well earned rest. I posted on another forum about whether we were being unfair refusing to drive our teen to another town for a social event after we had ferried her about for weeks and were absolutely exhausted. The amount of mothers telling me I should disregard my own needs and just do what she wanted was staggering. I would be raising my kids to have ZERO regard for me if I continued with that mentality - so be old school, say enough and take your time. Good luck!

I’m 43. My parents get told no, sorry I’m busy unless it’s very urgent or arranged well in advance.
The kids can go on their bikes. Or walk. Their choice.
The husband can drive your car. Or he stays at home. I have no time or inclination to accompany him on any errands.

Sometimes though I say I’m going to the gym and I’m not lying I am in a gym but I’m sitting in the sauna. You should try that

You can do what you want whenever you want OP.

Just because your son and his friends want a lift, it doesn't mean they can take the piss and just expect it without asking you if its ok first.

Tell your husband to stop being such a big, needy baby. You don't want to go out and if he does then he can go by himself.
Just stop being such a doormat.

For your own mental health and sanity you need some time to yourself. I think you shoukd have a heart to heart with DH tell him How you are feeling and agree your time when he can go do wbatever himself. Your kids need the riot act read to them.. No more organising social life without first asking otherwise the answer is a flat no. Hope you get some rest time.

I would tell them all that Im not available at all for lifts on X day, none so don't bother asking.
Currently you are at their beck and call which is unfair, you are not a taxi service they can just call up.
Start taking your time back with " not available on X day"
This why I refused to live rurally with teenagers
We have bus every 20 mins, train every 30 mins and they all cycled.

Why the fuck doesn't your husband ever go anywhere without you?

Unless he has no legs this is both lazy and controlling which is quite a feat.

He should be taking exactly half the lift-giving load - why can't he drive your car?

Your son is shaping up to have as much respect for women as his dad, which is to be expected.

Tricky re the lifts because if you choose to live rurally then you kind of sign up for lots of lifts. The only alternative is to have a grumpy teen stuck at home which isn’t fun for anyone.

Maybe more structure around the lifts ie you need 24 hours notice and you and DH take turns giving lifts.

Also tell your husband « no » - he’s an adult and your chill time is vital.

This time of year is pretty overwhelming so be kinder to yourself. Tell your husband you don't want to live in his pocket and he needs to take on more of the errands / drop-offs so you can have a break. Can you arrange to go for a walk or get some lunch with a friend, to get out for a few hours on your own, and come back with a clear head before this conversation?

Setting better boundaries with your parents is something that may be quicker to address - first step is to turn your phone off if they call frequently. Work out what is a reasonable amount of time you can give them a day / week / number of tasks to do for them, and set a hard line with it.

Living semi-rural was your choice - not something to take out on your children. Any resentment you have about this will infect your relationship with them. Until they can drive themselves (and you support them with this as needed) you need to accept you and your husband are responsible for their travel.

The kids' lifts I can deal with and is par for the course if you have chosen to love rurally but your DH not going anywhere without you would drive me insane. Gosh I need time by myself! Where did he need to go today that he couldn't go alone? We are both teachers and by the end of the holidays I can sense we have spent too much time together and he starts getting on my nerves but at least we do our own things some days! Tell him to crack on without you!

OP I have just recently had to say no and put my foot down too.Am I sorry NOPE not one bit. Mine was worse than yours because they wouldn't even ask. They presummed and I had had a gutful. I realized no one made me a meal, no one did my laundry, no one offered to help me in anyway they just expected, demanded, cajolled or whined until I just did their bidding for a bit of peace. No respect or consideration for me so I gave out a few home truths and to be honest it went down like a lead balloon but I don't care. I value me and my time and I wasn't put on this earth to make their lives run smoothly at the detriment to myself. So what if my husband hasn't spoken for 3 days to me ...the peace is heavenly and I am doing my own thing to suit me. He will come round. ..It was just not acceptable to me anymore to be the whipping boy taking on everyone elses crap they wouldnt handle,, note wouldn't not couldn't. Well I couldnt ..couldn't be arsed anymore to come last in this house. She will do it .nope she will not not anymore sort your own selves out she yelled and you know what grumpy or not they are! I, like you am a person too before a wife,mother,daughter,and they are going to have to see that.

Sounds like you need a spell in Rancho Relaxo. It worked a treat for Marge Simpson. 😊

I'm only half joking. Could you afford a short weekend break alone? It might give your family a wake up call.

If that doesn't work you'll have to go full Shirley Valentine.

Strength & Honour ✊

Just one practical suggestion. Do a family calendar and block out what you are not available. Any questions, direct them to that.

New year new start. Tell everyone to no longer just assume you can or will do things for them. If they want your help they need to ask you in good time and be prepared to negotiate, compromise or get a flat no.

No one ever thanks a martyr, why do it to yourself?

Where are the other 3 kids parents? You can have more say over what you do with your days but don't want to exercise it. Yes there will be pushback but you matter too.

OP you still have Thursday, Friday, Saturday and Sunday for some down time, I hope you read all the comments and implement some of the suggestions.

On Monday night I couldn’t face going home between my shifts at work on Monday and Tuesday as we have a house full and I’m expected to feed and entertain everyone.

I booked a room at a budget hotel up the road from
my workplace and stayed there for the night telling my family I needed some R&R.

Best £41 I’ve ever spent

Are you an all-round people pleaser?

Sounds blissful but I wouldn't have people to stay when I had to work
Hard No

You really must say no and mean it, the kids are too entitled and expectant.
Your husband in the other hand is a big baby, he needs to be told you are not going to go with him. No excuses, you say no. If this carries on you will have bought it on yourself. Its in your hands now. Good luck you deserve better.

So many solutions to this problem and yet so many excuses, it’s as if you don’t want to be happy!

If you work in education don’t you get a week to rest every six weeks or so?

Put a calendar on the wall that everyone can see. Put the times in when you’re not available so they can ask for your help outside of those times.

You say your husband never goes anywhere without you but is the reverse also true? Does he accompany you everywhere you go? Does he share the load equally with these rides you give to your son and his friends? How do you fit all the kids in the car if he comes along on all your lifts? Or does he expect you to accompany him on his every little errand but also to do other errands without him while he relaxes?

Your husband sounds a bit controlling of you honestly.

You can sort it and am sure you will but it will take time, good communication and determination. They are all used to you bearing the load of planning and organising so you switch a bit to organising on your terms.
Ask for a family meeting, say the coming year cannot be more of the same. You could suggest some pretty unpalatable alternatives, move into town, kids only get out x days a week, then move to the things you want to not have to do these.
You are not an uber, you are not an on demand service. Lifts are not unlimited so you prioritise, school first, medical appointments, sport and other commitments then social.
You need a planner so that they can come to you and get agreement. If one person has to be driven then others can time shopping, social stuff to suit. You could work it so that you did something as well whether that is shop or coffee on your own.
Make sure you are not being the parents who do more than their share.
Make sure that your kids have all necessary in case they have to walk a bit. Phone with location on, reflective clothing, weatherproof clothing.
Make sure you and they prioritise getting driving license.
Your husband will have to learn to do things on his own. If he wants to go out then he can combine that with driving the kids.
Tell them you are tired, tell them that your new year resolution is self care. Train them that if you are sitting down with a book you are sitting reading, not waiting for the next demand on your time. Consider taking up knitting, you can legitimately then tell people you are concentrating or counting and not to speak to you and if this doesn’t work you can stab them with the needles.
For the next few days put on lounge wear and start drinking with breakfast then no one can persuade you to go out.