To warn parents about teenage GF

[Stayoutofitorno]

DS had a party for his 18th birthday last night.

One of his oldest friends brought his gf along. They’ve been going out for a few months and are apparently joined at the hip according to his parents.

We cut a cake and DH and I said a few words. For extra context DS had a very difficult year with the death of his best friend. It was important for us to take a moment to mark how proud we are and tell a few stories about him.

During the speeches the friend’s gf was talking loudly and being rude. One of DD19’s friends asked her to be quiet and she just swore at her and carried on laughing and talking. DD19 went over to shush her and got the same reaction. She told the gf if she couldn’t be respectful she would need to leave. The gf said fine and out of nowhere slapped DD hard across the face. Her cheek was red and hot an hour later and her lip was swollen. DH and a female friend of ours stepped in and ensured she left. Her bf was mortified. DH told him he was welcome to stay or come back to the party later but he didn’t return.

Everyone who witnessed the incident agreed that DD was calm and the reaction was completely unjustified.

AIBU to get in touch with his parents and let them know about her behaviour? She’s clearly pretty volatile to be hitting someone she’s never met before in their home in front of their parents while surrounded by people. I worry about what she might be like in private. But they’re 18, so should we stay out of it? We’ve known his parents for years and have socialised together. We don’t know the girl at all and DD is unlikely to come into contact with her again.

Which she so far as done nothing about except tell everyone on Mumsnet.

How to be a role model 101.

That might be the case if OP wasn’t there to witness what happened and was just passing on a story from one of her children but she SAW it happen. She KNOWS what happened.

Sorry what does that have to do with the comment that it isn’t her story to tell?

this is so true!

Why wouldnt you tell your friends that their son's GF is violent?? At any age? They may be totally unaware of what sh'e like - but also probably not and you telling them might just confirm suspicions that they already have.

It happened in the OP’s home, at her DS’s party and it was her DD who was attacked, so I’d say it is her news.

I’d have already told them!
If they’re good friends of you and your family then I’d be pretty pissed off that you didn’t let me know. What makes you think your son’s friend or his batshit girlfriend would tell his parents?
Contact his parents asap!

I wouldn't necessarily warn the parents as such - just give them a "just letting you know" factual account of what happened and confirming that their son is still welcome at future events. I wouldn't get into any assessments of what you think she is like or what trouble may lie ahead for him - they can make those links themselves and anyway that's his business.

"Just wanted to let you know that we had DS's 18th last night and during the speeches your son's GF insisted on talking loudly throughout and was rude, when asked to quieten down and be respectful she hit our DD in the face. We had to ask her to leave and (your son) went with her. We did offer for him to come back on his own but we didn't see him again. (Your son) will always be welcome but obviously we can't tolerate this sort of behaviour from his girl friend."

Yes!

She is ‘sharing the news’ with the wrong people. Social media and not police.. A crime she apparently doesn’t being tolerated is being totally tolerated.

Well we have a lot of evidence on how the police treat young possibly working class girls from possibly troubled backgrounds dont we? That’s why a little bit of compassion and due diligence before getting them involved might be kind. Ask the girls in Rotherham etc how they would feel about faith in professionals.

If I was the parent of this friend then I would 100% want to know. Even if I heard elsewhere I would want to hear it from the hosts of the party. If I was worried by what i learned, it would reassure me to know that you r DS said to his friend that he was welcome back (but he didn’t come).
as long as you frame this correctly then you are doing the mature thing. Address it, explain factually, say something like “I’m just calling to make sure this doesn’t end up out of proportion or the story mixed up through Chinese whispers etc. We like your son, if it was the other way round we would want to know, we hope you don’t think we are interfering, it’s just to set the record straight and let you know we were a bit concerned about her behaviour…”,

Why doesn’t your DD want to report this to the Police @Stayoutofitorno?

It sounds like this was a pretty serious incident and not something to be taken lightly. If this girl was so brazen to behave that way in front of so many people then it’s possible that this is ‘normal’ behaviour for her and may not be the first time. Your DD speaking up may help someone else later down the line if the Police have a record of this incident.

I’d definitely be reporting it to the police - to show your daughter support and ensure this awful girl is being dealt with appropriately. Might build up a profile as this doesn’t sound like her first rodeo. Bet she’s abusive behind closed doors.

Double post

What a ridiculous comment. This is a straight forward assault witnessed by many people. If it was reported the girl might get arrested and she might get cautioned. This is nothing like the scenario in Rotherham / Rochdale which actually involved grooming of young girls and is in no way similar to this matter. Unless you’re suggesting that the OPs daughter is the working class girl who should be concerned??

DH and I are going to wait to see if his parents reach out to us. We are pretty sure they will if they are told what happened. If they don’t we’ll let them know so they have a heads up about what she’s like. They’re very level headed people, as are we I like to think, there will be no drama out of this.

A very sensible response. Give it a bit of time, and if they don't get in touch with you, you get in touch with them.

Speaking personally, I wouldn't couch it in terms of 'I only mention it because I'm worried she might be violent towards other people.' I'd be justifiably upset and angry on my own DC's behalf, and that's reason enough to raise it with DS's friend's parents. I'd just set out the facts and let them draw whatever conclusions they want. The point is that you're not letting this astonishing behaviour be swept under the carpet.

What's her bf and you sons reaction to this?

If my gf hit my friends sister then, unless self defense, she'd be dumped. Mortified is a good start.

If my sister was slapped by my friends gf, I'd be making it clear to my friend that his gf is out of order and not want anything to do with her.

Anything less from either boy and I'd think very poorly of them. Forget the parents of the boy here, it's the other people's reactions (including this boy and your son) I would be looking at. If they are just glossing over, then that reflects badly on them. In terms of the parents, if ypu speak to them and are friends then yes I'd be open and honest about what you saw and how you feel but I wouldn't call them up to get them involved.

Can’t believe you’re waiting this out and not reporting the assault.

I’d be trying to check what happened to the BF after he left with a violent partner.

Just factually report the assault to the police already, anything else is just gossip. Your daughter was assaulted in your house, they'll take it from there.

It is over 24 hours and they haven’t been in touch with you @Stayoutofitorno so I would speak to them today.
If this were my DS’s girlfriend I would like to know in case this behaviour is happening within their relationship too. I would feel let down if this came out at a later stage and you hadn’t told me.

To my mind you DO contact friends parents and tell them his +1 behaved appallingly, assaulted your daughter and had to be asked to leave. I’d stress that friend was not involved but obviously left with the girl and that you were clear with him that he was welcome back another time without her. They will of course apologise and be mortified but I’d tell them it obviously isn’t anything anyone could have predicted. Otherwise they are going to be being all nice and welcoming to her and their ds may be struggling with how to negotiate this tricky situation.

That's what happens in the real world. If she pulls that shit out and about, she's going to get a reaction. The bf's parents need to talk to him about him then keeping out of it. Read a cross section of regional newspapers, it's always the peacemaker getting kicked into a coma or stabbed.

I can guarantee that she has already hit her boyfriend, more than once.