To warn parents about teenage GF

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DS had a party for his 18th birthday last night.

One of his oldest friends brought his gf along. They’ve been going out for a few months and are apparently joined at the hip according to his parents.

We cut a cake and DH and I said a few words. For extra context DS had a very difficult year with the death of his best friend. It was important for us to take a moment to mark how proud we are and tell a few stories about him.

During the speeches the friend’s gf was talking loudly and being rude. One of DD19’s friends asked her to be quiet and she just swore at her and carried on laughing and talking. DD19 went over to shush her and got the same reaction. She told the gf if she couldn’t be respectful she would need to leave. The gf said fine and out of nowhere slapped DD hard across the face. Her cheek was red and hot an hour later and her lip was swollen. DH and a female friend of ours stepped in and ensured she left. Her bf was mortified. DH told him he was welcome to stay or come back to the party later but he didn’t return.

Everyone who witnessed the incident agreed that DD was calm and the reaction was completely unjustified.

AIBU to get in touch with his parents and let them know about her behaviour? She’s clearly pretty volatile to be hitting someone she’s never met before in their home in front of their parents while surrounded by people. I worry about what she might be like in private. But they’re 18, so should we stay out of it? We’ve known his parents for years and have socialised together. We don’t know the girl at all and DD is unlikely to come into contact with her again.

You should have called the police to send out a message to everyone - if anyone else tries this shit the police will be called . You don’t want people thinking they can assault your daughter and get away with it .

It’s not “TikTok shite”. Research indicates that that the maturation process does not fully complete until around 25/26; prior to this impulse control, victim empathy, and consequential awareness are all underdeveloped. This is not excusing the behaviour, rather offering context to the drivers behind the behaviour.

I would definitely want to know if my son was dating someone prone to violence so I would mention it to his parents.
Hopefully he'll confide in them himself if they have a good relationship.
It's unfortunate your DD doesn't want to take it further. Actions should have consequences. Maybe he'll see the light and dump her.

Actually, witnesses are also ‘allowed’ to report crimes, even if the victim is too scared or shocked to do so.

All of which she can discuss with people other than her victim and the victims family.

I’m not sure you realise you are asking for her to be let off with no accountability- and if you are not, how should she be brought to book in a way which you would find acceptable if your child was the victim?

That you know the parents well enough for them to have discussed the gf with you previously ie:they told you the son and gf were "joined at the hip" this suggests a level of closeness that would make discussing this incident with them seem reasonable.
I understand why you would wish to,your daughter was assaulted leaving a visible injury (i understand she doesnt want to report to police and thats her decision)
I'm wondering wether your sons friend may have discussed the incident with his parents or son since?
I cant imagine something like this would go undiscussed with a very old friend.

Absolutely, but that doesn't seem to be the case here - OP has discussed it with her daughter who doesn't want it reported.

I can see the case for reporting it, but to insist on doing so and going down that path, when DD doesn't want it, seems a bit unfair on her.

I'll be interested to know if there are any further developments.

Your daughter was assaulted in her own home and you are worried about whether or not tell the girl's parents? Tell the police about the assault and let them break the news to that crazy girls parents.

I’d give them a courtesy call to explain that I was reporting the girl to the police and here is why. That way, when the girl (and, probably, her boyfriend) minimise what happened and call you all the psychos under the sun, they’ll know your version of events.

You’re reaching so far now you can touch New Zealand. Jeez.

And yet I never slapped in the face before my 25th birthday (or after it actually) and neither did any of my friends. We must've all just been exceptions to that maturity rule.

ETA: and I still bet this "statistic" wouldn't be mentioned if the woman in question was a man.

It’s the “you could really damage her life” bit - yeah, and? that’s called consequences for her own actions.

Why should she get away with this?

Because nobody is accountable for anything until they are halfway to middle age apparently. I wonder how it works if you slap someone 24 hours before you turn 25 then it's all ok because you aren't mature enough not to be impulsive but when the clock strikes midnight then you transform into a fully mature adult, just like Cinderella's pumpkin.

Bet those goalposts will move again in seven years time too.

I agree with this. If she gets away with this sort behaviour in front of a room full of strangers, what’s next? She’s clearly a psycho. I can’t believe nobody wants to involve the police. This is why people carry on and escalate until somebody ends up seriously hurt or worse.

The posters imploring the OP to involve the police have got me thinking, if this woman should be excused because her brain won't have developed until she is 25 (as some PP have suggested) then why is the age of criminal responsibility in this country begining at 10 years old?

Indeed. Just as the DD aged 19 has decided she doesn’t want it reporting to the police and that decision is apparently fine yet her assailant of a similar age doesn’t have a fully formed brain so isn’t responsible for her actions. It seems you really can have it both ways. 🙄

I wish I were still under 25 with this knowledge, instead of being cowed by the actual law I'd get up to all sorts and then when put in front of a judge be like "not my fault gov, my brains just not developed innit".

Oh don’t be ridiculous.

You may not have acted on them, possibly because of the behaviour being modelled around you, but I would be astounded if you weren’t overwhelmed by emotion at times as a teen. Imagine you had grown up in an environment where physical violence as a response to conflict was the norm: you may have found it more difficult to regulate your emotions. The gf’s behaviour was absolutely unacceptable, however, it’s not as simple as you seem to think.

Oh don’t be ridiculous.
You may not have acted on them, possibly because of the behaviour being modelled around you, but I would be astounded if you weren’t overwhelmed by emotion at times as a teen. Imagine you had grown up in an environment where physical violence as a response to conflict was the norm: you may have found it more difficult to regulate your emotions. The gf’s behaviour was absolutely unacceptable, however, it’s not as simple as you seem to think.

And, yes, the research would absolutely be relevant if the perpetrator has been male.

There is something highly ironic about being called ridiculous by someone utterly determined to excuse violence towards another person.

And you have no idea about the environment I grew up in or the impact it had on me.

Seems like you are eager to stir rather than deal with the fact your daughter was assaulted, do the right thing and report to the police.

This is true, I don’t know about your life. However, I’m not “utterly determined to excuse violence”, I was responding to the “TikTok shite” comment upthread.

But if you really believe that brains aren't developed until the age of 25, how does that tally with the age of criminal responsibility being ten? They can't both be correct, so should nobody under 24 be prosecuted because their brains aren't properly developed and they aren't responsible for their actions?

Genuine question btw.

Even if there is, why slap someone.

OP why did you let a person into.your house you didnt know.

Your sons friend shouldn't have come with a girlfriend.

If someone had assaulted my daughter (or anyone else) in my house I would have reported the assault to the Police, whether the victim wanted to take the matter further or not.

If I had attended a party where someone was assaulted and the hosts/house owners hadn’t reported the incident I would wonder why they weren’t protecting the victim and whether they would protect me if it had happened to me.