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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To warn parents about teenage GF

294 replies

Stayoutofitorno · 30/12/2025 22:59

DS had a party for his 18th birthday last night.

One of his oldest friends brought his gf along. They’ve been going out for a few months and are apparently joined at the hip according to his parents.

We cut a cake and DH and I said a few words. For extra context DS had a very difficult year with the death of his best friend. It was important for us to take a moment to mark how proud we are and tell a few stories about him.

During the speeches the friend’s gf was talking loudly and being rude. One of DD19’s friends asked her to be quiet and she just swore at her and carried on laughing and talking. DD19 went over to shush her and got the same reaction. She told the gf if she couldn’t be respectful she would need to leave. The gf said fine and out of nowhere slapped DD hard across the face. Her cheek was red and hot an hour later and her lip was swollen. DH and a female friend of ours stepped in and ensured she left. Her bf was mortified. DH told him he was welcome to stay or come back to the party later but he didn’t return.

Everyone who witnessed the incident agreed that DD was calm and the reaction was completely unjustified.

AIBU to get in touch with his parents and let them know about her behaviour? She’s clearly pretty volatile to be hitting someone she’s never met before in their home in front of their parents while surrounded by people. I worry about what she might be like in private. But they’re 18, so should we stay out of it? We’ve known his parents for years and have socialised together. We don’t know the girl at all and DD is unlikely to come into contact with her again.

OP posts:
BoudiccaRuled · 31/12/2025 12:33

Some of the responses on here... 😳
"Why on earth didn't you tell me my son was dating a woman who goes around punching people in public, at their own parties?!"
"Not my news to share. And you should mind your own business too."

usedtobeaylis · 31/12/2025 12:34

I'd mention it when you see them but I wouldn't contact them specifically about it.

Lins77 · 31/12/2025 12:37

Does your DS - as it's his friend's GF - have any insight into the matter? Has he witnessed any other concerning behaviour?

Obviously, this incident is completely unacceptable. But as you're considering whether to tell his parents, I wonder if there is any background which might be relevant?

Ally886 · 31/12/2025 12:39

BeAmberZebra · 31/12/2025 09:05

18 year olds are still very immature. She may be hiding, humiliated and terrified by the possible consequences. She may have never acted like this before or nor will do again. Youngsters have it hard today and you don’t know her circumstances. All I’m asking is a bit of compassion and giving a second chance. DD may be of this view and we have still not had DS opinion which may give more perspective and background. Involving the police could have long term life changing consequences. We also don’t know her family background and what would happen there.

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Let's hope for a very sincere apology. In my mind that's her second change. If it doesn't come, that's her two chances up and the police should be involved

NotMyKidsThough · 31/12/2025 12:41

Someone is attacked in your own home, in front of you and "it's not your news to share"? Seriously? I'd have called the police unless I had a reasonable explanation of why it was necessary to assault someone, on the spot. Adult means adult consequences to behaviour. Either hitting someone in the face if you don't agree with them is acceptable or it isn't.

MinglyMadly · 31/12/2025 12:43

Sunshineandgrapefruit · 30/12/2025 23:30

I would. Frame it as ' just so you're aware we had to ask oldest friend to leave the party, it wasn't anything he had done but his girlfriend was really rude and hit DD when asked to stop so we asked her to leave. We made sure he knows he is welcome back without her but just in case It comes up'

I would do this. I would definitely raise it with his parents just for their awareness. You are just passing information on and could add that you could go to police and report it as assault but have chosen not to do so but at the very least wanted to make them aware.

Imagine if it was your child's boyfriend/girlfriend you would want to know wouldn't you?

UnhappyHobbit · 31/12/2025 12:47

I would let them know. I would want to know so I can look out for signs of abuse to my DS. This girl is clearly not right to react like this.

KaleidoscopeSmile · 31/12/2025 12:49

BeAmberZebra · 31/12/2025 06:48

Your DD sounds sensible. 18 year olds are still immature and while there is no excuse for her behaviour maybe it wasn’t the sort of 18 year party she was expecting what with little speeches etc from parents. she probably had a bit two much to drink and behaved badly, possibly out of character. You could really damage her life by telling parents and or police. Please think before you act.

This is one of the most egregious attempts to excuse bad behaviour by a young woman I've read on here, which is saying something since everything they do and say seems to be defended on MN.

Do they have to put someone in hospital before you admit that they can simply be hateful, obnoxious people just like everyone else?

MySilentLions · 31/12/2025 12:53

Mincepiefan · 31/12/2025 05:47

If you were my friend and didn't tell me straight away I would be very upset to find out from someone else. You should definitely tell them out of concern for DS's friend.

Yeah your friends will wonder why you didn’t tell them straight away. If the son is enmeshed with this girl, he’s unlikely to say anything so you need to give them a heads up to help protect him from her being violent again.

MySilentLions · 31/12/2025 12:56

BeAmberZebra · 31/12/2025 06:48

Your DD sounds sensible. 18 year olds are still immature and while there is no excuse for her behaviour maybe it wasn’t the sort of 18 year party she was expecting what with little speeches etc from parents. she probably had a bit two much to drink and behaved badly, possibly out of character. You could really damage her life by telling parents and or police. Please think before you act.

You sound like the kind of person who made excuses for Brock Turner - it was only a little bit rapey and he has such a good future in front of him.

I hope you’re never on a jury.

It was assault.

KaleidoscopeSmile · 31/12/2025 12:57

BeAmberZebra · 31/12/2025 10:03

Final thoughts (I hope). As a society we are confused about when we treat young people as adults in all circumstances and when we don’t. Strong evidence that brains don’t fully develop until 25 which is accepted as far as sentencing is concerned in parts of the country but ignored when giving sixteen year olds the right to vote. Similar re cigarettes alcohol military service marriage etc. This confusion is well demonstrated in this thread by advice that DDs wishes be ignored but 18 year old is an adult and should be treated as such with no leeway. Generally most posters think the parents are the arbiters of what should happen here re DD DS BF as they know best etc but 18 year old girl fully responsible adult and should face all consequences.
id make sure i know more about this girl, her life, her normal behaviour before taking any action which might have devastating consequences re how her parents/ carers would react and what action police may take all of which is very hard to anticipate in the UK today.

"Strong evidence that brains don’t fully develop until 25"

People need to stop trotting out this TikTok shite as an excuse for everything and read some actual science on the subject.

Livpool · 31/12/2025 13:03

I would - people who carry on like this are public are going to be the same, or worse, in private. The bf’s parents can keep on eye on him.

RoomToDream · 31/12/2025 13:18

Stayoutofitorno · 30/12/2025 23:31

It wasn’t a shove or a drunken scuffle it was a hard slap across the face completely unprovoked.

I don’t know about you but we brought our kids up to never lay a hand on anyone. If I saw a man punch another man after being politely asked to calm down I would absolutely have concerns about his behaviour. I think the reason there is such a problem with domestic violence is because we look away and excuse men’s violence. It’s not ok to hit someone unless you are defending yourself.

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But are you also looking away by not reporting this to the police? A record of her behaviour could be useful for someone in years to come.

I understand why your daughter doesn't want to go to the police. It feels like escalating the drama and opening up a new can of worms. I do get it.

But it is fundamentally doing what you said people shouldn't do - looking away when there is a pattern of behaviour that could have been reported.

xanthomelana · 31/12/2025 13:20

MySilentLions · 31/12/2025 12:56

You sound like the kind of person who made excuses for Brock Turner - it was only a little bit rapey and he has such a good future in front of him.

I hope you’re never on a jury.

It was assault.

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Comparing a slap to rape is pathetic.

JWhipple · 31/12/2025 13:37

BeAmberZebra · 31/12/2025 06:48

Your DD sounds sensible. 18 year olds are still immature and while there is no excuse for her behaviour maybe it wasn’t the sort of 18 year party she was expecting what with little speeches etc from parents. she probably had a bit two much to drink and behaved badly, possibly out of character. You could really damage her life by telling parents and or police. Please think before you act.

Oh yeah, first thing I used to do when feeling really anxious and overwhelmed in a social situation is smash a stranger across the face. ..FFS.

She was acting like an absolute arse and hit someone. She should have consequences. Jesus wept.

MrsSlocombesCat · 31/12/2025 13:59

Stayoutofitorno · 30/12/2025 23:24

Our DD is 19, she’s an adult and decided she didn’t want to call the police.

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Then she probably won't want your input. She's an adult and already made the decision not to report it.

Redburnett · 31/12/2025 14:19

Report to police as an assault. She needs to be taught how to behave the hard way, unfortunately.
And advise you DS to distance himself from his 'friend' while he remains with her. Presumably he is with her for sex since there can be no other explanation for a decent young man wanting to go out with such an uncouth and unpleasant girl.

Blondiebeach · 31/12/2025 14:22

I'm AGHAST that no one called the Police. To be honest, I would have decked her. She's viciously assaulted your daughter in her home, and your answer is to do.......nothing. Wow, just wow. So she just gets away with it then? Unbelievable! Why are some people so.....passive?

saraclara · 31/12/2025 14:26

Blondiebeach · 31/12/2025 14:22

I'm AGHAST that no one called the Police. To be honest, I would have decked her. She's viciously assaulted your daughter in her home, and your answer is to do.......nothing. Wow, just wow. So she just gets away with it then? Unbelievable! Why are some people so.....passive?

I'm amazed that several mumsnetters have said that they'd retaliate physically. That sounds a great way to get into trouble with the police, as well as proving themselves as bad as the hotel who did the slapping.

You sound like something out of EastEnders.

skyeisthelimit · 31/12/2025 14:29

Your daughter should report this to the police as otherwise it gives that girl licence to just hit people with no consequences.

If the parents of the boy are long standing friends of yours, then you should tell them what happened in a way that shows concern for their son. Say that if it were the other way around, you would want to know. Advise them that while he is very welcome, his girlfriend won't be allowed into your house again.

They need to know so that they can talk to their DS and keep an eye on him.

HighStreetOtter · 31/12/2025 14:32

I agree with people saying to contact the police. It’s assault with a load of witnesses.

Lins77 · 31/12/2025 14:33

OP did the right thing, which was to ensure the girl immediately left the house, allowing the party to continue. Getting into a physical fight with her would have been unhelpful (to put it mildly).

Whether to report it to the police is ultimately a decision for the victim.

Moveoverdarlin · 31/12/2025 14:33

Blondiebeach · 31/12/2025 14:22

I'm AGHAST that no one called the Police. To be honest, I would have decked her. She's viciously assaulted your daughter in her home, and your answer is to do.......nothing. Wow, just wow. So she just gets away with it then? Unbelievable! Why are some people so.....passive?

Me too. She’s clearly a vile human being and people let her just get away with it. No repercussions whatsoever for strolling in to a party and smacking the hosts daughter. Unbelievable!! I wouldn’t have it. One hundred percent would call the Police and let the BF parent’s know.

Fucking hell, if a burglary happened and a bloke came in a balaclava and hit your daughter round the face would you call the Police? Course you would. But because it was a 19 year old girl in a party dress who was invited, nothing happens.

trueish · 31/12/2025 14:33

Basically if this sort of behaviour isn't reported to the police (assault) then it carries on unchallenged. It's not about getting her into trouble so much as getting her to think or seek help. Police might just have a word, caution her or something but doubt it would lead to anything more. We and you don't know the bigger picture. Maybe your son can talk to his mate and his parents himself.

ImogenBrocklehurst · 31/12/2025 14:47

Ponoka7 · 31/12/2025 11:22

That's what happens in the real world. If she pulls that shit out and about, she's going to get a reaction. The bf's parents need to talk to him about him then keeping out of it. Read a cross section of regional newspapers, it's always the peacemaker getting kicked into a coma or stabbed.

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I don’t need to read the papers. I work with offenders, so I’m fully aware of the potential outcome of your plan.

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