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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To warn parents about teenage GF

294 replies

Stayoutofitorno · 30/12/2025 22:59

DS had a party for his 18th birthday last night.

One of his oldest friends brought his gf along. They’ve been going out for a few months and are apparently joined at the hip according to his parents.

We cut a cake and DH and I said a few words. For extra context DS had a very difficult year with the death of his best friend. It was important for us to take a moment to mark how proud we are and tell a few stories about him.

During the speeches the friend’s gf was talking loudly and being rude. One of DD19’s friends asked her to be quiet and she just swore at her and carried on laughing and talking. DD19 went over to shush her and got the same reaction. She told the gf if she couldn’t be respectful she would need to leave. The gf said fine and out of nowhere slapped DD hard across the face. Her cheek was red and hot an hour later and her lip was swollen. DH and a female friend of ours stepped in and ensured she left. Her bf was mortified. DH told him he was welcome to stay or come back to the party later but he didn’t return.

Everyone who witnessed the incident agreed that DD was calm and the reaction was completely unjustified.

AIBU to get in touch with his parents and let them know about her behaviour? She’s clearly pretty volatile to be hitting someone she’s never met before in their home in front of their parents while surrounded by people. I worry about what she might be like in private. But they’re 18, so should we stay out of it? We’ve known his parents for years and have socialised together. We don’t know the girl at all and DD is unlikely to come into contact with her again.

OP posts:
Notmyreality · 31/12/2025 09:08

DeathStare · 30/12/2025 23:06

I would be letting the parents know and reporting it to the police.

This

Ariela · 31/12/2025 09:11

I would definitely contact the DS friend's parents - ostensibly to check if he is OK because he left the party early. This would likely get them to ask why he left early if they don't know he left early or about the slapping you can tell them, and express you hope the GF isn't violent with him.

xAwaywiththefairiesx · 31/12/2025 09:12

Thelondonone · 30/12/2025 23:00

They will find out anyway. It’s not your news to share. They will ask you about it. Let them bring it up.

How is it not their news to share?

It was their daughter that got assaulted.

Fundays12 · 31/12/2025 09:14

Namechangerage · 31/12/2025 08:17

Yes can you encourage DD in case she is abusing the bf too? Or report a crime as a witness?

Thats a good point she maybe abusing the boyfriend to.

tokennamechange · 31/12/2025 09:17

OhnoOhnoOhnoooo · 31/12/2025 00:42

If it was my adult son I'd want to know so I could be mindful that his new girlfriend had a violent temper.

I'd tell a friend this and I agree with the poster who said it would be weirder not to.

I'd report it to the police. Even if your DD doesn't want to press charges I'd ask it be logged.

You are right that domestic violence is rife due to people turning a blind eye. I'm glad you have posted that comment on your thread as some of the responses are bizarre to me.

I wonder what people think happens when they say this. Where exactly do you think it is "logged" and what is the point of "logging" it, exactly? Do you think there's a big notebook called "stories about nasty people -use this as evidence of poor character if someone is arrested for a different crime despite it not being investigated or evidenced so is pure hearsay and gossip"?

If you ring the police to tell them something happened but you don't want them to do anything about it, you at wasting police time. it is of no more relevance to them than if you call to tell them about a nice rainbow or cute puppy you saw that day, but is tying up their call handlers and preventing them from helping people trying to report an actual crime.

Not to mention once a crime is reported it isn't the victim who makes the decision whether to proced with investigation or not. It doesn't matter how much a victim or witnesses "presses," the decision to charge is not make by them, and should be made on an evidential basis not solely on the victims feelings.

Although their wishes should be taken into consideration, cases can be, and are, brought to court without the victim wanting them to be.

Honestly with borderline crimes like this, if someone else reported it and Op's dd didn't want to engage then it probably wouldnt meet the threshold for investigation/charging - but it could. With lots of witnesses they don't need the Dd's account- although if they did decide there was enough to charge and it got to court stage they can get a warrant to force her to attend even if she didn't want to -including being charged herself with obstructing the course of justice! Is this uncommon, and fairly unlikely in these specific circumstances- yes, but not impossible.

Do not tell the police about a potential crime if you do not want it to be investigated and potentially considered through the full legal process, because once you do the decision is out of your hands.

I'm glad the OP is ignoring all the people who don't have a clue and not setting those wheels in motion by "reporting to police". Legal proceedings are no joke. They are stressful and intimidating. With the delay in listing cases it could be hanging over her dd's head for years before it's heard- only to be dismissed on a technicality. You've seen the sentences or lack thereof hardened criminals get - a slap on the face is not going to get her imprisoned! I know a pp said in similar circumstances it intimidated the girls who had hit her but if this girl is that unhinged it could equally piss her off to the extent she makes the whole family's lives a misery.

It would be completely unfair and irresponsible for OP to do anything on her ADULT child's behalf without them wanting to. How would you like it if you moaned to your husband about someone at work doing something to annoy you, and he called up your boss behind your back to tell them to discipline the colleague because he knows better than you? The dd is an adult, OP and her dad can offer advice but it is weird and paternalistic to do anything else without her consent.

Makemineacosmo · 31/12/2025 09:19

Thelondonone · 30/12/2025 23:00

They will find out anyway. It’s not your news to share. They will ask you about it. Let them bring it up.

Well, it is. This young woman hit their daughter across the face. If you would have told this couple about that incident if the perpetrator had been someone else, I would tell them.

Cherrysoup · 31/12/2025 09:30

Definitely speak to her bf’s parents in case he needs support. I hope your dd is ok. The violent girl will get her comeuppance when she does similar to someone else eg in the street. I’m forever reminding kids to keep their hands to themselves.

I understand your dd not wanting to inform the police, but I would advise it given the sheer level of violence.

AnAlpacaForChristmasPleaseSanta · 31/12/2025 09:32

BeAmberZebra · 31/12/2025 09:05

18 year olds are still very immature. She may be hiding, humiliated and terrified by the possible consequences. She may have never acted like this before or nor will do again. Youngsters have it hard today and you don’t know her circumstances. All I’m asking is a bit of compassion and giving a second chance. DD may be of this view and we have still not had DS opinion which may give more perspective and background. Involving the police could have long term life changing consequences. We also don’t know her family background and what would happen there.

Would you be saying this if an eighteen year old male had hit a woman?

GoodQueenWenceslaus · 31/12/2025 09:40

ActiveTiger · 30/12/2025 23:31

You allowed someone hit your daughter and didn't report it wow

OP's daughter is an adult. It's 100% her decision: the police won't follow up if the victim doesn't want them to.

GoodQueenWenceslaus · 31/12/2025 09:44

BeAmberZebra · 31/12/2025 09:05

18 year olds are still very immature. She may be hiding, humiliated and terrified by the possible consequences. She may have never acted like this before or nor will do again. Youngsters have it hard today and you don’t know her circumstances. All I’m asking is a bit of compassion and giving a second chance. DD may be of this view and we have still not had DS opinion which may give more perspective and background. Involving the police could have long term life changing consequences. We also don’t know her family background and what would happen there.

How would telling the boyfriend's parents take away any second chance? They're hardly going to ban an adult son from seeing her. But it would help them to advise and support him.

MCF86 · 31/12/2025 09:47

If you're close to them, I would expect them to ask how the party was next time you speak, and it would be very weird not to tell them!

I dont think there's anything wrong with saying "Hi (friend), I wasn't sure about bringing it up because the boys are adults now, but the more I thought about it I think I'd want to know just to keep a closer eye on DC..."

Braygirlnow · 31/12/2025 09:48

Stayoutofitorno · 30/12/2025 23:24

Our DD is 19, she’s an adult and decided she didn’t want to call the police.

If thats the case then leave it to your daughter to decide to inform anyone else, if sons friends parents ask then yes tell them, but I wouldn't go out of my way to tell them, 1. its up to your daughter. 2.it could blow up and your son could lose a friend. 3. The friend may well drop her after what she did anyway, but if his parents and his friends parents start on him about her he may feel pushed more to defending her (this can happen). Just let daughter decide if she wants police involved and if not then let dust settle and see if sons friend breaks up with mad girlfriend, if not im pretty sure (as lots of people at party) parents will hear what happened and ask.

StealthMama · 31/12/2025 09:48

Stayoutofitorno · 30/12/2025 23:24

Our DD is 19, she’s an adult and decided she didn’t want to call the police.

She’s not a very responsible adult then is she. Someone assaults her and she decides to do nothing about it. Very helpful.

You can tell his parents if you want to but I’m not sure what you expect to achieve from it. Your daughter is adult enough to decide not to call
police but you dont see the friend responsible enough to choose his own Gfs without snitching on him.

double standards.

my first point of call would simply be to the police.

Divebar2021 · 31/12/2025 09:49

I think you sound incredibly reasonable apart from the comment about “we don’t do violence in our family under any circumstances” which is bloody odd as far as I’m concerned. Do you let other people do “violence” on your behalf? If your daughter was getting battered outside a pub is everyone supposed to just let them get on with it or are the allowed to intervene? The law allows you to use force in self defence and I personally subscribe to the “ by any means necessary”
school of defence. I think I would have been fairly robust in getting her out my house if it happened to my DD. Anyway if your DD doesn’t want to tell the police I wouldn’t have any qualms about speaking to the lad when I saw him next although only his parents if I knew them. There’s no way that’s been kept a secret anyway if there was a roomful of people there.

Rosemary61 · 31/12/2025 09:52

Yes, I think you should tell him. If I were them, I'd want to know.

BeAmberZebra · 31/12/2025 10:03

Final thoughts (I hope). As a society we are confused about when we treat young people as adults in all circumstances and when we don’t. Strong evidence that brains don’t fully develop until 25 which is accepted as far as sentencing is concerned in parts of the country but ignored when giving sixteen year olds the right to vote. Similar re cigarettes alcohol military service marriage etc. This confusion is well demonstrated in this thread by advice that DDs wishes be ignored but 18 year old is an adult and should be treated as such with no leeway. Generally most posters think the parents are the arbiters of what should happen here re DD DS BF as they know best etc but 18 year old girl fully responsible adult and should face all consequences.
id make sure i know more about this girl, her life, her normal behaviour before taking any action which might have devastating consequences re how her parents/ carers would react and what action police may take all of which is very hard to anticipate in the UK today.

arcticpandas · 31/12/2025 10:09

Stayoutofitorno · 31/12/2025 05:41

We’re not talking to the girl’s parents because we don’t know her, or them. We like the boy’s parents and feel they have a right to be warned that the gf is volatile. I’d want to know if it was DS. But still adjusting to him being an adult, so it was useful to get opinions.

You have known the boy since he was 6! Ofcourse you talk to his parents so they can watch out for their son! Wouldn't you like to know if it had been your ds's gf? I know I would so that I could talk to my son and keep an eye on things.

arcticpandas · 31/12/2025 10:10

AnAlpacaForChristmasPleaseSanta · 31/12/2025 09:32

Would you be saying this if an eighteen year old male had hit a woman?

This. Some double standards here.

miamo12 · 31/12/2025 10:10

I would wait a while, hopefully the problem will be now resolved as he will have dumped her!

Jinglejells · 31/12/2025 10:14

NotnowNanette · 30/12/2025 23:11

I’d be reporting her to the police & telling your friend. It’s pretty ballsy slapping someone in their own house in front of a room full of people - wonder what she’s like in private..

This. Women can be violent as well. His parents need to know so they can speak to him about getting away from her

BillieWiper · 31/12/2025 10:16

No you don't contact her parents. She's an adult. If your daughter wants to try press charges for the slap then she needs to speak to the police.

Otherwise just ban the girl from your house. It's unfortunate and she's clearly got problems but at that age parents shouldn't be getting involved.

I have to say that if someone thought it appropriate to 'shush' me then I would find that pretty rude. That's not what adults do in normal conversation. Would she have been 'shushed' if she was a man?

Not that it's ok to go on to slap someone they barely know.

StealthMama · 31/12/2025 10:17

BeAmberZebra · 31/12/2025 10:03

Final thoughts (I hope). As a society we are confused about when we treat young people as adults in all circumstances and when we don’t. Strong evidence that brains don’t fully develop until 25 which is accepted as far as sentencing is concerned in parts of the country but ignored when giving sixteen year olds the right to vote. Similar re cigarettes alcohol military service marriage etc. This confusion is well demonstrated in this thread by advice that DDs wishes be ignored but 18 year old is an adult and should be treated as such with no leeway. Generally most posters think the parents are the arbiters of what should happen here re DD DS BF as they know best etc but 18 year old girl fully responsible adult and should face all consequences.
id make sure i know more about this girl, her life, her normal behaviour before taking any action which might have devastating consequences re how her parents/ carers would react and what action police may take all of which is very hard to anticipate in the UK today.

Nonsense.

Consequences.

it is extremely unlikely that this assault was the girls first assault, given her confidence at doing it in public with witnesses under someone else’s roof. Parents present. What are the real adults in the room doing other than allowing that to be acceptable behaviour by not reporting it. The police might give her a caution, or she might have a long list of cautions and firmer consequences are needed.

Alternatively, to be so brazen, the girl could have been drugged up to her eyeballs because she’s a victim of something herself.

How do we tell the difference between a bad egg who commits a crime or a victim who repeats negative behaviour?

We don’t. We don’t have to. We call the police and let the professionals handle it.

Trying to ‘to find out more’ about the girl, to make a decision yourself as who the justice system should apply to is by definition taking the law into your own hands.

It was a common assault. It should be dealt with as that.

Which anyone who was there and witnessed it can report, not just the victim of the crime. OP.

Stillupatmidnight · 31/12/2025 10:21

Absolutely, with no shadow of doubt, tell them.

Stillupatmidnight · 31/12/2025 10:25

Yep, be clear to your daughter, we don’t tolerate violence and report.

SALaw · 31/12/2025 10:27

Thelondonone · 30/12/2025 23:00

They will find out anyway. It’s not your news to share. They will ask you about it. Let them bring it up.

Surely it very much IS her news to share? The person in question assaulted her daughter in her home!