To warn parents about teenage GF

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DS had a party for his 18th birthday last night.

One of his oldest friends brought his gf along. They’ve been going out for a few months and are apparently joined at the hip according to his parents.

We cut a cake and DH and I said a few words. For extra context DS had a very difficult year with the death of his best friend. It was important for us to take a moment to mark how proud we are and tell a few stories about him.

During the speeches the friend’s gf was talking loudly and being rude. One of DD19’s friends asked her to be quiet and she just swore at her and carried on laughing and talking. DD19 went over to shush her and got the same reaction. She told the gf if she couldn’t be respectful she would need to leave. The gf said fine and out of nowhere slapped DD hard across the face. Her cheek was red and hot an hour later and her lip was swollen. DH and a female friend of ours stepped in and ensured she left. Her bf was mortified. DH told him he was welcome to stay or come back to the party later but he didn’t return.

Everyone who witnessed the incident agreed that DD was calm and the reaction was completely unjustified.

AIBU to get in touch with his parents and let them know about her behaviour? She’s clearly pretty volatile to be hitting someone she’s never met before in their home in front of their parents while surrounded by people. I worry about what she might be like in private. But they’re 18, so should we stay out of it? We’ve known his parents for years and have socialised together. We don’t know the girl at all and DD is unlikely to come into contact with her again.

THIS

So, again, what is a suitable way of handling this young woman’s criminally violent behaviour? You say you’ve dealt with young offenders- so how do we stop her now, before she escalates into something even worse.

Would not tell the friend’s parents but 100% would have reported the assault to the police. Haven’t read the full thread but I find it unbelievable that you haven’t!

Puzzled as to how you came to the conclusion that I was implying your DD19 was flirting.
No, I was implying that the GF was being obnoxious, DD19's friend told her to shut up, she didn't. DD19 went in to tell her to shut up and more words were had. A slap that absolutely should not have happened, happened.
GF then was removed from the room by another man and woman.
It should have been handled better.

What you describe is what the OP described so what “other side of the story” do you think there is?!

That the friend's GF was overwhelmed and it should have been handled better.

So you’ve just imagined the whole scenario in your head and ignored everything I said? All of this was played out in the middle of 50 people with everyone agreeing on how it happened and exactly what was said. There was no going in and out of rooms and she wasn’t removed by anyone or touched in any way, just asked to leave in a very calm manner and escorted outside. It was handled as well as it could have been. But it’s to be expected that someone wants to dream up something that never happened to try to turn the victim into the aggressor.

To answer more questions DS doesn’t know her either so he has no insight. It’s a long standing friendship but not his closest friend and they went to different schools. Only a couple of attendees knew her and they said it was out of character as far as they know. We’ve not heard from her or the friend although DS might have - he’s been out a lot in the last couple of days. DH remembered the parents are away so we’ll speak to them next week.

I imagine everyone is visualising someone quite rough but she went to a very expensive private school as did her bf. I don’t think she’s a danger to society but certainly I’d like to know if either of my kids were spending time with her because if she pulls this kind of stunt in a different environment it could end very badly, especially judging by the number of MNetters who apparently see nothing wrong with physically assaulting her themselves.

How come you were there to witness all this? And why didn't OP invite the rest of us from MN? I'm right miffed.

By whom should it have been handled better? And in what way specificall? If asking her to be quiet was wrong, what actually should have happened that got the speech directed back to the person whose birthday was being celebrated?

Get a grip.

This is the best response I think. It smooths any bad feeling between parents-his may have been given a different story) and it also gives his Enoch info to draw their own conclusions and raise their concern about their sons girlfriend and him ( if it’s one off behaviour then she needs some guidance, if it’s part of a wider pattern she needs some help/correction and the son might need some support).

How is your dd feeling today OP? Is her face and lip ok?

For those stating research that young adults’ brains only mature at 25, isn’t there new research that shows it is actually between 30 - 32.

I assume no-one would excuse a 30 year old man slapping a woman because his brain hasn’t matured yet

I imagine everyone is visualising someone quite rough but she went to a very expensive private school as did her bf. I don’t think she’s a danger to society but certainly I’d like to know if either of my kids were spending time with her because if she pulls this kind of stunt in a different environment it could end very badly, especially judging by the number of MNetters who apparently see nothing wrong with physically assaulting her themselves.

So is the expensive private school background why it wasn’t reported to the police? Is reporting only for when assaulted by “quite rough” people? Section 39 of the Criminal Justice Act that covers common assault doesn’t seem to differentiate between classes or educational backgrounds.

And what is your reason for not reporting your child’s assault to the police?

you said you don’t tolerate violence, and yet both
you and your daughter are tolerating violence.

Did you not raise your daughter to stand up and defend herself?

if a man had slapped her would you have reported?

I would give the parents a heads up on what happened.

She is wrong not to call the police. Firstly, she needs to stick up for herself and teach someone who hits her that there are consequences, and secondly, the girl is probably going to go on and be violent towards others, and might really hurt them. Your daughter has a duty to both herself and to society not to let that young thug get away with it. Why is it OK that she did? Why aren't you telling your DD that she needs to stand up for herself? I'd call the police on her so fast her head would spin, if it was me.

I wonder if the girl was initially just showing off/trying to act cool in front of her bf and then felt embarrassed and didn’t know what to do so she ended up slapping your daughter rather than admit to behaving like an idiot??

One of the few sensible compassionate and understanding responses on this site. From the lack of meaningful input from DS and DD it appears they may also be of this view. And NO I don’t think the violence was acceptable, I just dont want an 18 year olds life ruined by one stupid action as OP has stated that a few people who knew the girl said it was out of character. A police record or caution can be devastating and have a life long impact on her.