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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To warn parents about teenage GF

294 replies

Stayoutofitorno · 30/12/2025 22:59

DS had a party for his 18th birthday last night.

One of his oldest friends brought his gf along. They’ve been going out for a few months and are apparently joined at the hip according to his parents.

We cut a cake and DH and I said a few words. For extra context DS had a very difficult year with the death of his best friend. It was important for us to take a moment to mark how proud we are and tell a few stories about him.

During the speeches the friend’s gf was talking loudly and being rude. One of DD19’s friends asked her to be quiet and she just swore at her and carried on laughing and talking. DD19 went over to shush her and got the same reaction. She told the gf if she couldn’t be respectful she would need to leave. The gf said fine and out of nowhere slapped DD hard across the face. Her cheek was red and hot an hour later and her lip was swollen. DH and a female friend of ours stepped in and ensured she left. Her bf was mortified. DH told him he was welcome to stay or come back to the party later but he didn’t return.

Everyone who witnessed the incident agreed that DD was calm and the reaction was completely unjustified.

AIBU to get in touch with his parents and let them know about her behaviour? She’s clearly pretty volatile to be hitting someone she’s never met before in their home in front of their parents while surrounded by people. I worry about what she might be like in private. But they’re 18, so should we stay out of it? We’ve known his parents for years and have socialised together. We don’t know the girl at all and DD is unlikely to come into contact with her again.

OP posts:
andthat · 31/12/2025 00:34

Can’t believe you’d even question this. These are friends… their son is going out with someone who is volatile and violent. Why wouldn’t you tell them?!

Jenpen31 · 31/12/2025 00:35

This is terrible and what an awful thing to happen in your own home while trying to have a nice night for your son.
I'd have telephoned the police without a doubt as you have witnessed an assault and your daughter has been injured after being slapped hard in the face. Even if she doesnt want to press charges, it needs logging with them.
I would definitely ring the lads parents to tell them the lot. Be prepared they may not take it well. Something similar happened to me a long time back. My parents and I tried to warn our supposed close friends of their sons new girlfriend. They fell out with us over it and wouldnt have it. 16 years later their son is dead.....he drank himself to death following years of abuse from her....and she is in Prison. We did try to warn them!
Her behaviour is a red flag OP and they need the heads up so they can talk to their son.

Franjipanl8r · 31/12/2025 00:37

Absolutely share that news, not telling them is minimising. Bad things happen when good people do nothing and just stand by.

SoftBalletShoes · 31/12/2025 00:41

Your DD should have reported this assault to the police immediately. If anyone slapped me round the face, I'd be dialling 999 and having her arrested so fast her head would spin. And I'd tell everyone what she'd done. Anyway, it's not too late. That thug needs arresting. You can't just go around hitting people like that. She might have broken DD's jaw or nose. Report the assault asap and get that mangy animal dealt with.

StephensLass1977 · 31/12/2025 00:41

Why on earth at this point are you concerned about the boyfriend?? She assaulted YOUR daughter in your home in front of a whole bunch of guests! I would be calling the police and doing my best to help my daughter push for a prosecution. This is assault! Did she take photos of her injuries?

OhnoOhnoOhnoooo · 31/12/2025 00:42

If it was my adult son I'd want to know so I could be mindful that his new girlfriend had a violent temper.

I'd tell a friend this and I agree with the poster who said it would be weirder not to.

I'd report it to the police. Even if your DD doesn't want to press charges I'd ask it be logged.

You are right that domestic violence is rife due to people turning a blind eye. I'm glad you have posted that comment on your thread as some of the responses are bizarre to me.

coconutchocolatecream · 31/12/2025 00:58

Chances are good they know at least something of what she's like, as she doesn't sound the type to keep her personality hidden, but I'd feel better knowing I'd done what I could to be certain they're informed. Not that there's much they can do about who their adult son dates, realistically. With any luck, he will soon tire of her volatility and the embarrassing situations she creates and dump her!

Mydadsbirthday · 31/12/2025 00:59

Bloody hell, I'd be reporting to police let alone his parents.

Somethingneedstochange78 · 31/12/2025 01:00

I would be very surprised if the lad even stays in a relationship with her anyway after showing him up like that.

LAMPS1 · 31/12/2025 01:02

I think it would be very odd not to mention to your friends what happened. Surely you feel you can’t be keeping it a secret from them.
They deserve not to be in the dark about it.
I wouldn’t expect them to do anything about it….its not their responsibility, but they have to know why she isn’t welcome in your home again. And that she’s lucky that your daughter doesn’t want to take it further with the police.
Please do mention it to them.

JustCabbaggeLooking · 31/12/2025 01:18

I suspect there's another side to this story.

BigMommasHouse · 31/12/2025 01:21

Your poor daughter was assaulted in front of a room full of witnesses in her own home. That is going to affect her forever on some level.

Report it to the Police. Hopefully this will lead to her attacker getting the help she needs and some closure for your daughter.

Original poster
Stayoutofitorno · 31/12/2025 01:32

JustCabbaggeLooking · 31/12/2025 01:18

I suspect there's another side to this story.

I knew there would be a response like this. What other side do you think there could be? DD had never met the girl before last night and the first interaction was when she asked her to be quiet.

If you’re implying that DD was flirting with the bf that’s not the case. He’s her brother’s friend she’s known since he was 6. Also she is in a relationship and her girlfriend was at the party.

OP posts:
ThatAgileMintBiscuit · 31/12/2025 01:40

I would gently help your daughter understand the seriousness of what happened and encourage her to consider reporting it to the police. That said, if she really doesn’t want to, I think it’s important to let her guide that decision and feel in control.

Kindly, I do think you need to tell the boy’s parents. What everyone witnessed is concerning. Acting like that in a room full of people is worrying, and it does raise questions about what things might be like behind closed doors. The fact that he didn’t return also rings alarm bells — was he frightened, or is he very emotionally attached? Teenage relationships can be incredibly intense, and if this is his first serious girlfriend, that can make him particularly vulnerable.

As many Mumsnetters know, the most dangerous time in a potentially abusive relationship can be when someone is thinking about leaving. Maybe he is after this incident. If he is at that stage, he could actually be at increased risk. His family need to know that there may be a safeguarding concern, both if he stays in the relationship or if he tries to end it.

Speaking to the parents will be difficult, but I’d keep it factual and focused on concern for their son rather than labelling or speculating. You could simply explain what was witnessed and why it worried you. It may also be worth suggesting that his mum considers making a Clare’s Law application so she can access any relevant information on her.

Ultimately, he may be at risk. If something were to happen and the parents later discovered that you were aware of this incident but hadn’t shared it, that would be incredibly hard for everyone involved.

The family can then put some safety planning in place if need be. Many of us on Mumsnet are quite aware of domestic abuse patterns, but a lot of people aren’t — and sometimes they just need someone to flag concerns so they can take action.

Do follow your daughter’s lead where possible, but I really would encourage you to reach out to this boy’s parents with care, kindness and clear facts.💐

SweetnsourNZ · 31/12/2025 01:47

TheUsualChaos · 30/12/2025 23:15

Yes I think perfectly justified to tell his parents what happened in your own home. In their shoes, I'd want to know something like that. Hopefully she will soon be an ex Gf anyway. I wonder if she'd taken something, bizarre behaviour.

I wondered that too. Seems bizarre behaviour tbh. How is your daughter op? Does she want to report it to police?

Wishitsnows · 31/12/2025 01:48

I hope your DD is ok. I accidentally hit YABU and it won’t let me change it. He should be arrested but it’s up to her. Stay strong

MsAmerica · 31/12/2025 01:48

Would make more sense to contact HER parents.

SweetnsourNZ · 31/12/2025 01:53

They need to know that this girl is unpredictable and violent. Not just for their son's sake but for the family as well.

Bones101 · 31/12/2025 01:55

Definitely tell the parents.

I work in emergency medicine and I am so sick of young men not being looked after. Just pretend he was a girl. Of course you would inform the parents.

His gf is violent and dangerous. Tell them asap he is at risk.

HedgehogCrisps · 31/12/2025 01:57

If you've known your DS's friend for so long then I would have a quiet word in the ear of his parents. Put the shoe on the other foot and I would imagine that you would want to know.

As for the posters saying you should have called the police - your DD is an adult and you've requested her wishes. You've done the right thing.

The actions of your DH show that you as a family will not tolerate violence and really doesn't need to be reinforced with the police attending.

sadhausfrau · 31/12/2025 02:06

OhnoOhnoOhnoooo · 31/12/2025 00:42

If it was my adult son I'd want to know so I could be mindful that his new girlfriend had a violent temper.

I'd tell a friend this and I agree with the poster who said it would be weirder not to.

I'd report it to the police. Even if your DD doesn't want to press charges I'd ask it be logged.

You are right that domestic violence is rife due to people turning a blind eye. I'm glad you have posted that comment on your thread as some of the responses are bizarre to me.

This!

Givemelemonsforlemonade · 31/12/2025 02:08

The police are the people you should be telling about this, not the parents of the friend.

tamade · 31/12/2025 02:13

saraclara · 30/12/2025 23:10

If you're friends with his parents, I think it'd be reasonably normal and natural to give them a call and say 'wtf is it with Adam's girlfriend?'. It'd almost be odd not to.

If you don't know them well, it's a bit more nuanced.

Yes, this.
You could start with "I see Adam has a new GF, what do you make of her" and see what they say, they will obviously wonder at why you're asking and you can then fill them in. But to be fair "wtf is it with Adam's girlfriend?" is pitch perfect.

CherrieTomaties · 31/12/2025 02:26

I hope both your daughter and son are okay, and it didn’t ruin his party.

Although this girls behaviour was unacceptable, the police are going to do very little about this incident. If this girl had fully beaten up your daughter and caused significant injuries, then yes a report to police would be recommended.

You can tell your sons friend’s parents, but that isn’t going to change what’s already happened. This girl is an adult, they aren’t responsible for her or her behaviour. They can’t dictate who their son dates. There’s a chance they probably already know what she’s like.

I understand you and your family will be shocked and upset but the best thing to do would be to move on. The police won’t do anything, and your sons friends parents won’t do anything.

All you can do, is ban this particular girl, and even your son’s friend from entering your home again.

Monty27 · 31/12/2025 02:34

They'll approach you if they feel the need when they find out. Stay out of it in the meantime.