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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To warn parents about teenage GF

294 replies

Stayoutofitorno · 30/12/2025 22:59

DS had a party for his 18th birthday last night.

One of his oldest friends brought his gf along. They’ve been going out for a few months and are apparently joined at the hip according to his parents.

We cut a cake and DH and I said a few words. For extra context DS had a very difficult year with the death of his best friend. It was important for us to take a moment to mark how proud we are and tell a few stories about him.

During the speeches the friend’s gf was talking loudly and being rude. One of DD19’s friends asked her to be quiet and she just swore at her and carried on laughing and talking. DD19 went over to shush her and got the same reaction. She told the gf if she couldn’t be respectful she would need to leave. The gf said fine and out of nowhere slapped DD hard across the face. Her cheek was red and hot an hour later and her lip was swollen. DH and a female friend of ours stepped in and ensured she left. Her bf was mortified. DH told him he was welcome to stay or come back to the party later but he didn’t return.

Everyone who witnessed the incident agreed that DD was calm and the reaction was completely unjustified.

AIBU to get in touch with his parents and let them know about her behaviour? She’s clearly pretty volatile to be hitting someone she’s never met before in their home in front of their parents while surrounded by people. I worry about what she might be like in private. But they’re 18, so should we stay out of it? We’ve known his parents for years and have socialised together. We don’t know the girl at all and DD is unlikely to come into contact with her again.

OP posts:
Namechangerage · 31/12/2025 08:17

Fundays12 · 31/12/2025 07:51

OP i do agree she is an adult but given this happened in the safety of her own home and wss unprovoked she really should call the police. It may escalate as thia girl is clearly unhinged.

Show quote history

Yes can you encourage DD in case she is abusing the bf too? Or report a crime as a witness?

mariaKowalska · 31/12/2025 08:23

Slapping your daughter over a simple shush is outright assault, no excuses. I'd absolutely tell the parents calmly what happened, framing it as concern for their son given how volatile she acted in public. Most here seem to agree it's worth speaking up, especially since you know them well. If it risks the friendship, so be it, but staying silent feels wrong.

OldBoldCold · 31/12/2025 08:24

I would tell the parents if we'd socialised together in the past and watched the kids grow up.

Rural area here and we became aware that there was a bit of drink driving going on. Yes, we did mention it, we've always had a soft spot for this lad and as teenagers all the parents have been self confessed idiots.it did all work out well, tackled, never mentioned again and he's just an amazing young man.

EsmeSusanOgg · 31/12/2025 08:25

Dis you take photos of the red mark after? Honestly, an entirely unprovoked attack like that should be reported to the police. It is assault. I do not expect the police to necessarily do anything at this time, but it makes sense to record really aggressive and unhinged behaviour.

I also would let the BF's parents know why he left early.

Tpu · 31/12/2025 08:28

Thelondonone · 30/12/2025 23:00

They will find out anyway. It’s not your news to share. They will ask you about it. Let them bring it up.

What do you mean it’s not their news to share?

That violent young woman went for their daughter, and is in a relationship with the son of the people she plans to tell.As a minimum she can start to learn that not everyone is going to be cowed into being complicit in keeping her violence secret.

Westfacing · 31/12/2025 08:28

As you have known the parents for years I think you definitely should tell them so they can keep an eye on things, and maybe speak to their son if they think he's being abused.

I know they are all adults but it takes a pretty violent young woman to slap someone's face! Her obnoxiousness in disturbing the speeches was bad enough but I was genuinely shocked about the hard slap.

Howwilliknow122 · 31/12/2025 08:36

Thelondonone · 30/12/2025 23:00

They will find out anyway. It’s not your news to share. They will ask you about it. Let them bring it up.

Its ops daughter that got slapped so its her news to share as you put it.

Tpu · 31/12/2025 08:36

JustCabbaggeLooking · 31/12/2025 01:18

I suspect there's another side to this story.

Tell us what you suspect and why it makes assault OK, rather than the snide muttering.

Wetcoatsandmudagain · 31/12/2025 08:36

For such extreme behaviour I would definitely let the parents know so that they can keep a look out for their son.

Ponoka7 · 31/12/2025 08:37

She's lucky that you are all so calm. If it was me, watching my DD get slapped, I'd have skull ragged her out. My other DD's would beat me to it, though. Which then puts him in danger, because is he going to defend her, if they are out together? That's how decent people end up getting seriously attacked. They are just starting to navigate drinking and relationships, if close enough, I'd be telling his parents. They need to have safety talks with their son. It wasn't appropriate to be that drunk at a house party with parents wanting to do speeches. Admittedly speeches are unusual at a 18th. But she also needs a bit of guidance.

Jackiepumpkinhead · 31/12/2025 08:43

Of course you need to tell his parents, it would be incredibly odd if you didn’t. If they find out from someone else then I’m sure they’ll be annoyed with you. Sounds like the ‘slapper’ is going to get away with her appalling behaviour.

MeAndTheDoggo · 31/12/2025 08:44

Definitely let them know. I like @Sunshineandgrapefruit take. Stress that it’s not about him, but her. I wish we’d known what a risk my DB exW was

nomas · 31/12/2025 08:45

Thelondonone · 30/12/2025 23:00

They will find out anyway. It’s not your news to share. They will ask you about it. Let them bring it up.

Of course it’s her news! Get a grip.

Dery · 31/12/2025 08:48

Another here who thinks you must tell your son’s friend’s parents. In their shoes, i would be really shocked if i found out later and you hadn’t told me. I would lose trust in you.

The son of close friends of ours at 6th form got a very messed up girlfriend and ended up dropping out of A levels because she was so demanding and difficult; not physically violent but emotionally so and constantly threatening self-harm if he tried to get some space. He was an emotional wreck by the time he, with his parents’ help, extracted himself. He got back on track, re-started A levels and is now at uni but it was a very difficult time and took a long time to get over.

As for the police: record what happened. Take photos of any injuries. That way you have contemporaneous evidence if you decide to involve the police. A visit from the police could be exactly what this girl needs or it may leave her cold. But if she makes a habit of this then it would be good to have a record in any case. She may have grown up in a household where this kind of violence is accepted.

Tpu · 31/12/2025 08:53

BeAmberZebra · 31/12/2025 06:48

Your DD sounds sensible. 18 year olds are still immature and while there is no excuse for her behaviour maybe it wasn’t the sort of 18 year party she was expecting what with little speeches etc from parents. she probably had a bit two much to drink and behaved badly, possibly out of character. You could really damage her life by telling parents and or police. Please think before you act.

Complete No to this.

Ms. Violent had 24 hours before OP posted to apologise, say it was out of character/the drink/whatever excuse. She didn’t do that, so we assume she is doubling down.

OP wouldn’t be damaging her life - she is doing that all by herself. The freedom of being an adult, is the freedom to make bad choices and to deal with the consequences of them.

Please stop minimizing violence, and making violence consequence free for people dedicated to it.

There is something deeply disturbing about thinking the problem is with the person who chooses to publicize the criminality, and not with the criminal.

Violent people are owed nothing from their victims and their families.

Biscuits4 · 31/12/2025 08:53

She's assaulted your DD, so I'd report to the police. She obviously doesn't care what she does as she was in a room of witnesses, so there's no reason to believe she won't do something similar to someone else.

Nosejobnelly · 31/12/2025 08:53

It’s assault so it’s up to your DD if she wants to report it to the police as she’s an adult.
How well do you know her boyfriend - could your son have a chat with him? Surely he is mortified.

NoCommentingFromNowOn · 31/12/2025 08:54

Have another chat with your daughter and see if you can get her to report it. Frame it as the girlfriend needing help, and if she carries on she will find herself in serious trouble sometime. Imagine if that was in a pub, everyone five years older, and a drunk angry man saw it? Or it was his wife she slapped? It could get nasty really quickly. Or if your daughter was drunk, and also volatile?

Winderwall · 31/12/2025 08:57

100% speak to his parents.

Abusive relationships happen to boys too and it’s much much harder for boys to recognise and speak about this if it’s happening to them.

ImogenBrocklehurst · 31/12/2025 08:58

ActiveTiger · 30/12/2025 23:31

You allowed someone hit your daughter and didn't report it wow

Not sure they “allowed it”, and OP had stated that her daughter is an adult who chose not to contact the police.

emmetgirl · 31/12/2025 08:58

This will be unpopular but if someone had hit my DD in front of me they would have immediately regretted it.

EmeraldShamrock000 · 31/12/2025 09:00

I would report the assault to the police, there is plenty of witnesses, she may just get a caution but the embarrassment of being arrested will teach her to keep her hands off people.

ImogenBrocklehurst · 31/12/2025 09:01

Ponoka7 · 31/12/2025 08:37

She's lucky that you are all so calm. If it was me, watching my DD get slapped, I'd have skull ragged her out. My other DD's would beat me to it, though. Which then puts him in danger, because is he going to defend her, if they are out together? That's how decent people end up getting seriously attacked. They are just starting to navigate drinking and relationships, if close enough, I'd be telling his parents. They need to have safety talks with their son. It wasn't appropriate to be that drunk at a house party with parents wanting to do speeches. Admittedly speeches are unusual at a 18th. But she also needs a bit of guidance.

Yes, “skull ragging her out” accompanied by an angry mob sounds the perfect response. Good call. 🙄

BeAmberZebra · 31/12/2025 09:05

Tpu · 31/12/2025 08:53

Complete No to this.

Ms. Violent had 24 hours before OP posted to apologise, say it was out of character/the drink/whatever excuse. She didn’t do that, so we assume she is doubling down.

OP wouldn’t be damaging her life - she is doing that all by herself. The freedom of being an adult, is the freedom to make bad choices and to deal with the consequences of them.

Please stop minimizing violence, and making violence consequence free for people dedicated to it.

There is something deeply disturbing about thinking the problem is with the person who chooses to publicize the criminality, and not with the criminal.

Violent people are owed nothing from their victims and their families.

Show quote history

18 year olds are still very immature. She may be hiding, humiliated and terrified by the possible consequences. She may have never acted like this before or nor will do again. Youngsters have it hard today and you don’t know her circumstances. All I’m asking is a bit of compassion and giving a second chance. DD may be of this view and we have still not had DS opinion which may give more perspective and background. Involving the police could have long term life changing consequences. We also don’t know her family background and what would happen there.

BunnyLake · 31/12/2025 09:06

JustCabbaggeLooking · 31/12/2025 01:18

I suspect there's another side to this story.

Well don’t leave us in suspense, what is it?