To take my baby to funeral

[Sadtiredoverwhelmed]

My much loved GF sadly passed away and his funeral is approaching. DGF was also like a grandparent to my DH (we have been together for a decade and he didn’t grow up with any grandparents) so we both want to attend the funeral however we have a 3m baby - I didn’t think anything of this as my DGF loved my baby and we were planning to sit at the back / side so one of us could go out with DC if needed. However my DM has told me that my aunt said babies aren’t allowed at crematoriums (???!!) and it is inappropriate so DC can’t come. Funeral is the other end of the country from where we live so DA suggested to my DM that our DC could sit outside in the car with her friend (who we have never met) during the service - we haven’t left DC with anyone apart from both my parents and ex-nanny sister on two occasions for short periods - so we will obviously not be starting with a stranger in a car in January!

None of this has been communicated directly to me but it is apparently now expected DH won’t come to the service to look after DC which we are both very upset about. AIBU to have expected to be able to take my DC and want the support of my husband at the funeral?

I am also concerned that as we have been asked to stay at the wake venue at considerable expense - especially whilst on mat pay, it will at the time be suggested that we take DC upstairs even if that isn’t what is said now on the “not appropriate” basis. My parents and siblings are staying with family but no more rooms.

Any advice appreciated please - my current reaction is not to put my little family through all the travel, expense, and requirement to take 3 days AL to potentially hang around in a hotel bedroom - but I am aware I am very tired and emotional so might not be thinking rationally.

Entitled. That’s why. They will be the same people who let their kids watch peppa pig with. I headphones on planes and in restaurants.

Op doesn’t want to leave her baby with a complete stranger (unsurprisingly) and will remove the baby if she makes noise.

How on earth were you all able to see her unless you turned around and stopped paying attention to the celebrant?
Like I said, any further noise and the baby would have been taken out. I was about as distracting as the man with sciatica I was stood next to, who couldn't sit down.
I've sadly been to loads of funerals and have never found anyone else's baby distracting.

Which is fine. As long as she does, many don’t as seen on this thread and her aunt is likely concerned the OP is one of those parents.

So a simple solution would be for Aunt to say ‘little X is welcome to come to the crem but please could Dave sit at the back with her so he can take her out if she gets fussy’. Rather than a blanket ban on a family member.

Just have a conversation with your aunt.

YOU:Hi Aunty Sally, mum and my sister have mentioned that you'd prefer I didn't bring baby to the funeral. Is that correct?
AUNT: yes, I don't think funerals are places for babies
YOU: Oh, that's a shame. Both DH and I would very much like to attend to say goodbye and support each other. We won't be able to if our baby can't attend. Do you have any specific concerns we can reassure you about?
AUNT: Its inappropriate, I can't tell you why. Your baby can sit in the car with my friend for the service
YOU: We don't feel that's appropriate. Will our baby be welcome at the wake?
AUNT: No, I don't think it's right for a baby
YOU: oh dear that is a shame

OP's DA is being manipulative by lying about babies not being allowed in crematoriums.

I don't understand her behaviour at all. As the baby would be taken outside the minute they started fussing/crying or making any noise, the funeral would not be disrupted.

The deceased widow would like her great grandchild to be there and OP's mum's wishes to let OP attend with the baby are just as valid as the aunt's desire to ban the baby from the funeral.

You’ve no idea if she thinks this or not and is simply getting it wrong.

Except the poster said to specifically do it that way so her aunt or grandmother was forced to react in a certain way. That’s manipulation no matter how you dress it up.

The OP stated upthread, in her reply to you, that her mother was just as involved in the arrangements as the aunt. No guesswork required.

I meant the grandmother. Regardless, it her mum’s decision whether to stick her neck out or not. If she doesn’t want to she doesn’t want to. If she wanted to, she would.

The point is payment comes first from the estate so unless her DGF died penniless, he is the one paying for his funeral.

Yeah … so you don’t know if liquid assets were available to pay for it and whose they are. It’s nothing to do being ‘penniless’.

Yep, I’m in England and have organised three funerals too, one being my father’s. There is still etiquette to consider with choosing to show up or not. You should know if you are welcome or not and that dictates your choice.

I have said multiple times I don’t have an issue with babies attending and OP should be allowed. Doesn’t change OP’s circumstance though. A funeral organiser and child of deceased doesn’t want a baby there. This is family and sensitivities, etiquette and context all apply.

No evidence it was a lie, rather than a mistaken belief. We’ve no idea.

It’s not manipulative, it’s a request.

I took my 4 month old to a friend’s funerals - an amazing friend and I did ask her partner first and he was delighted and said no black either please. The baby was a welcome distraction at a time of grief, I also took my youngest aged 1 to a relative’s funerals and again took plenty to distract him and it was appreciated.

I wouldn’t want any children banned from mine and if they screamed they screamed or messed about I’m very live and let live.

As I said, dictating which loved ones can attend a cherished family member’s funeral ‘just because’ is vile behaviour.

And if you’d read my previous comment you’d see that I also think the baby should be allowed to come. ‘Vile’ does not mean manipulative. It is manipulative, however, to turn up with the baby specifically at a time so the aunt cannot respond how she might wish to.

The baby didn’t ‘cherish’ the grandfather. The aunt isn’t saying anyone who did cherish him isn’t welcome. It’s also not ‘just because’ – there are plenty of people in the world who don’t want the risk of disruption that babies and children can bring in a formal service. It’s not wrong or right, it’s such subjective.

It is manipulative, however, to turn up with the baby specifically at a time so the aunt cannot respond how she might wish to.
No it isn't. It is rising above the entire situation and just going ahead as she should have done in the first place before the aunt started getting unnecessarily involved. It isn't planning to do something related in any way to the aunt's reaction or lack of it. It is just deciding to take the sensible route of cracking on and ignoring the pointless drama.

@JemimaTiggywinkles op said her dh sees her grandfather as his own, so very close to him by the sounds of things.

DGF was also like a grandparent to my DH (we have been together for a decade and he didn’t grow up with any grandparents) so we both want to attend the funeral

It isn't planning to do something related in any way to the aunt's reaction or lack of it.

If you’d read the originally comment, you’d know that it was suggested to be deliberately timed so the aunt was forced to react in a certain way. I’m not talking about just deciding to go because you don’t care about someone’s reaction, it was suggested to be timed in a way to manipulate a certain reaction from her. That’s manipulative.

When my kids were small they went to many funerals , my youngest being your baby's age for my grandmother's I brought her to it my nan would have expected me to. I'm irish funerals are about family here . If this has not been communicated to you personally I would just show up with baby. You can take the baby out if crying starts to be an issue.

So it’s the mum and grandmother’s job to stick their necks out for OP to the aunt. If they aren’t going to then they aren’t going to.

I also wouldn’t ban a baby from a service, but it’s subjective whether formal services, especially sensitive ones, are appropriate for children and babies. It’s also subjective what constitutes as ‘disruption’ – sometimes taking out a baby just doesn’t cut it, the damage can already be done in some people’s eyes.

Whether you meant that sincerely or disdainfully - thanks! I picked it because some of my first comments on this site were responding to threads about “why do Americans…” Plus, it’s a little tongue-in-cheek way of acknowledging that this is mostly a UK forum and I’m the foreigner crashing the party. 😁

At my mums recent funeral her 2 young granddaughters greeted people and handed out orders of service and there were 3 GGS babes in arms. Really lifted the event into a celebration of her life with them all there .

Yes, but it doesn't need to be. Just going isn't forcing a reaction. That poster might think it is and even want it to be but it isn't.

@Sadtiredoverwhelmed - it might be worth asking the crematorium if they have an overflow area, where the service can be relayed, so that you could go in there if you have to leave the service.

In recent years I have had to attend my mum’s funeral and those of my MIL and FIL - there weren’t any small children attending, but if there had been, I would NOT have found it inappropriate at all. When my dad died, in 2000, we had three small children (aged 3, 5 and 7), all of whom attended the funeral - my mum was perfectly happy for this to happen. We did take my MIL with us, so we had a 1:1 adult to child ratio, in case of any problems, but it was fine.

That’s subjective, I’m afraid. And it also risks hugely upsetting her mum and grandmother unless they also know about it in advance, regardless of what they would have allowed. Bowing to the aunt’s wishes show that they just want to keep the peace. OP should in no way blindside them. That in turn puts them in a very awkward position with their sister/daughter – right smack at the start of the funeral service no less. Terrible advice.

If it’s OP’s choice to take the baby regardless, she should inform mum, aunt and grandmother before the day.