To take my baby to funeral

[Sadtiredoverwhelmed]

My much loved GF sadly passed away and his funeral is approaching. DGF was also like a grandparent to my DH (we have been together for a decade and he didn’t grow up with any grandparents) so we both want to attend the funeral however we have a 3m baby - I didn’t think anything of this as my DGF loved my baby and we were planning to sit at the back / side so one of us could go out with DC if needed. However my DM has told me that my aunt said babies aren’t allowed at crematoriums (???!!) and it is inappropriate so DC can’t come. Funeral is the other end of the country from where we live so DA suggested to my DM that our DC could sit outside in the car with her friend (who we have never met) during the service - we haven’t left DC with anyone apart from both my parents and ex-nanny sister on two occasions for short periods - so we will obviously not be starting with a stranger in a car in January!

None of this has been communicated directly to me but it is apparently now expected DH won’t come to the service to look after DC which we are both very upset about. AIBU to have expected to be able to take my DC and want the support of my husband at the funeral?

I am also concerned that as we have been asked to stay at the wake venue at considerable expense - especially whilst on mat pay, it will at the time be suggested that we take DC upstairs even if that isn’t what is said now on the “not appropriate” basis. My parents and siblings are staying with family but no more rooms.

Any advice appreciated please - my current reaction is not to put my little family through all the travel, expense, and requirement to take 3 days AL to potentially hang around in a hotel bedroom - but I am aware I am very tired and emotional so might not be thinking rationally.

I didn’t say the chief mourner was the DA. I said the most obvious person to speak to is the grandmother. OP hasn’t said who is doing the bulk of the organising, so you’re guessing there.

Payment comes out of the estate

Only if there’s money there to pay for it! I had to pay for my father’s funeral as he has left no savings for it and my mum and sister didn’t have enough either.

You don’t have to agree with it, but the people who are organising the funeral often can and do dictate who should and should not come. It’s not unusual, it’s etiquette.

Agree – just directly talk to grandmother if possible, and have that be the end of it. My own mother wasn’t capable of this sort of conversation when my father died, so it was up to me and my sister to make the hard choices and be responsible for having a day that ran as smoothly as possible.

As an aside, there are a lot of people saying ‘I took my baby and it was fine’, but for every baby that doesn’t cause any fuss, there’s inevitably another baby that will. It’s luck of the draw really and a funeral really isn’t something you want ‘luck of the draw’ on. I personally wouldn’t have a problem with a baby being there, and didn’t at my dad’s funeral, but it’s subjective.

In these circumstances I would not consult anyone and just turn up with baby. They are hardly likely to say anything at a funeral or any similar social occasion as it would make them appear rude unfeeling and crass. I think you are being too apologetic.

The issue is not so much that the baby may not be welcome but that the aunt has loed about why the baby is not welcome. That is just disingenuous and whilst I'd go with the flow to keep the peace and my baby would be outside with my DH, I'd hold the aunt in lower esteem subsequently.

Ultimately, God will not care and love can be shown in a muriad of other ways than at the service at the crem.

It’s so inappropriate to force a reaction at a funeral. It’s manipulative.

We had a similar situation when I had a young baby although the death was on my DHs side of the family. I refused to leave my bf baby and travel without her, my DH wanted me there to support him, so my MIL in the end had to suck it up. DD was a welcome distraction at the wake and was fine during the service.

But BSing that a cream doesn't allow babies is not manipulative?

Turning up to a funeral isn't trying to force a reaction. It's the opposite. It's ignoring the one person trying to turn a perfectly normal attendance at the funeral into something controversial.

OP you haven’t answered why DH can’t look after the baby for the duration of the service and then you all go to the wake? That would seem like a sensible compromise.

I think your aunt is being daft, but people do odd things when they’re grieving. And it sounds like your mum / nana would rather acquiesce to her request so I think it’d be wrong to take the baby.

OP hasn’t said who is doing the bulk of the organising, so you’re guessing there

The OP stated upthread, in her reply to you, that her mother was just as involved in the arrangements as the aunt. No guesswork required.

She has separately stated that her DM wants them there, her grandmother wants them there and that its her strong belief that her DGF would have wanted them there.

Only if there’s money there to pay for it!

Well duh…. The point is payment comes first from the estate so unless her DGF died penniless, he is the one paying for his funeral.

You don’t have to agree with it, but the people who are organising the funeral often can and do dictate who should and should not come. It’s not unusual, it’s etiquette

No idea whereabouts you are but in England and Wales funerals are public events and there is no etiquette which supports one mouthy family member restricting access to the funeral for the deceased’s family members.
The nearest I’ve come across is where there has been a major family rift and the deceased was known to be NC and even then any funeral director will tell you they cannot bar attendance, only “manage the door and hope to persuade”.

I’ve organised both my parents’ funerals, a couple of older relatives without children and co-organised funerals for my in-laws and godmother. I contributed quite a lot of the cost to both the older relatives who died childless. At no point did it occur to me to use that position as organiser or funder to bar family members from the funeral based on my own prejudices. Not only would it not have been approved by “etiquette”, it would have been entirely against the purpose of a funeral.

Absolutely fine to have a baby at a crematorium. My then 4 month old came to a crem funeral with me and the second she squawked I stood up (at the back) and swayed a bit with her in the sling. If she had made more noise I'd have left.
She made a lot less noise than the adults coughing as it was in the midst of cold and flu season.
Ask your aunt "who has said it would be inappropriate? I have never heard of this before" even bloody debretts says bringing kids is fine!

Your DA is being unreasonable. Of course, creams allow babies and children to attend funerals. I also don't think her not wanting a baby there trumps your DM who presumably wants her DD and DSIL to attend. I'm sorry she's made such a fuss about this and put you in a difficult position.

I took my youngest DC to three funerals in her first six months of life - it just happened like that, sadly! Two she slept/fed through and for one my wonderful DSIL took her out while I was doing a reading and she got fussy. I think most people didn't event clock she was there.

I'd go with husband and baby and totally disregard what Aunt has said.

I took my then 4/5 month to my great aunt’s funeral and everyone was happy to see her, she was a very welcome distraction during the wake. I didn’t take my then 13 month old to my dad’s cremation as I was asked by my sister not to, and sourcing childcare (for her and older child) proved tricky in a different city to where we live, but they did come afterwards to the wake. I agreed with that decision as we needed to be fully present at that funeral and to deliver a eulogy, but that’s very different to a 3 month old. As long as your husband is prepared to step outside if they start to cry there’s really no problem.

Oh my cousins partner did this. Her jiggling about at the back of the room was much more distracting than any coughing. Especially after being disturbed by the “squawks”. Maybe the aunt has experienced this type of thing too. Just take the baby out ffs.

I think the baby at the wake is completely fine but if a family friend has offered to sit outside in the car with the baby for the short service then why on earth wouldn’t you accept?

It's manipulative to tell a lie saying babies are not allowed at the crematorium.

Because it’s a funeral, a collective gathering of friends and family to remember someone, not an adults -only research library with a ‘total silence’ policy!

I’m not Irish, but I’m American and Catholic, and it sounds weird to me too. Why wouldn’t you bring a baby to a funeral if the baby is related to the deceased person?

I took my 6 month old to my Aunt's funeral, whole service, no one would have dared to suggest I didn't! My Aunt would have been happy with it.
I took the same child at 3 to my DH uncles funeral but he and I stayed outside for the service and joined the family for the meal. DH family are more formal than mine and it felt the right thing to do.

@YankSplaining is one of the best usernames I’ve seen in a while…

It is highly unlikely the grandmother with give a toss whether her granddaughter’s husband attends. She is more likely concerned about losing her husband and her own dd (the mouthy DA) losing her father.

The OP is making this much harder than it needs to be with all her fussing. The DA is being unreasonable, but she has also lost her dad. So asking the grandmother gently, without causing any more fuss than is needed is most appropriate.

OP is making this all about her and her baby and it really really isn’t, they are only bit players. There is much bigger things going on with a wife being widowed and others losing a parent.

People are often extremely controlling around funerals. It’s their way of ensuring everyone knows the depth of their feelings.

There is no hierarchy at funerals, imo. We come alone, we leave alone, anyone (postman, friend from the pub, second cousin twice removed) should be welcome to attend the burial/ cremation/ service, to pay condolences and to share sorrow and collectively remember the joy.

Your aunt is bang out of order. She has no right to dictate what you do/don’t do with your baby. This isn’t a wedding. You are obliged to h respectful, however. I would expect parents of older children to keep them in check (sit quietly, don’t fidget), and anyone with a baby to sit at the back so they can quickly whip the baby outside if it starts stirring. That’s for the service. Anything else is a gathering of friends and family and everyone should be equally welcome.

You are as entitled to do what you think is right, as your mother / aunt / grandmother. Just be respectful of other people’s feelings (ie control your baby’s noise). Take the baby and your DH, sit at the back, all attend the wake.

I was at the funeral of DD best friend this summer who died at 21 in a tragic accident. Church was rammed, standing room only. One of their family members had brought a young child, maybe 2 or 3. Child chatted all the way through - the obituary, the minutes silence, when her friends all got up and said a few words, I could see her friends Dad looking over when he was trying to say his words. It was highly inappropriate and I cannot fathom why neither parent thought to take the child out.

You are considering not attending at all? If he meant so much to you and you have a husband, let him sit in the car for 40 mins with Dc. Seems strange that you would consider doing anything else tbh.

Nah, completely interrupting a photo montage set to music by jiggling around with a squawking 4 month old was unnecessary and distracting. Many people commented afterwards. She should’ve just stepped outside.

The OP has an offer of a babysitter outside the door for the few minutes the service will take. This is easily solved.

No more manipulative than dictating which loved ones are allowed to attend a funeral service like you’re some kind of gate keeper of grief. Dictating who can and can’t attend a cherished family member’s funeral - ‘just because’ is vile behaviour.