To take my baby to funeral

[Sadtiredoverwhelmed]

My much loved GF sadly passed away and his funeral is approaching. DGF was also like a grandparent to my DH (we have been together for a decade and he didn’t grow up with any grandparents) so we both want to attend the funeral however we have a 3m baby - I didn’t think anything of this as my DGF loved my baby and we were planning to sit at the back / side so one of us could go out with DC if needed. However my DM has told me that my aunt said babies aren’t allowed at crematoriums (???!!) and it is inappropriate so DC can’t come. Funeral is the other end of the country from where we live so DA suggested to my DM that our DC could sit outside in the car with her friend (who we have never met) during the service - we haven’t left DC with anyone apart from both my parents and ex-nanny sister on two occasions for short periods - so we will obviously not be starting with a stranger in a car in January!

None of this has been communicated directly to me but it is apparently now expected DH won’t come to the service to look after DC which we are both very upset about. AIBU to have expected to be able to take my DC and want the support of my husband at the funeral?

I am also concerned that as we have been asked to stay at the wake venue at considerable expense - especially whilst on mat pay, it will at the time be suggested that we take DC upstairs even if that isn’t what is said now on the “not appropriate” basis. My parents and siblings are staying with family but no more rooms.

Any advice appreciated please - my current reaction is not to put my little family through all the travel, expense, and requirement to take 3 days AL to potentially hang around in a hotel bedroom - but I am aware I am very tired and emotional so might not be thinking rationally.

What “chief mourner”? The man has a widow and two daughters, one of whom has chosen to dictate to the others how they share their grief.

The aunt is not “chief mourner” just the most opinionated and dictatorial. The only drama is being created by the aunt who seems unable to grasp the purpose of a funeral.

The most obvious person is her grandmother. Depends how old/vulnerable she is. My mother was NOT capable of these conversations when my father died.

Ultimately the grieving gatekeepers are the ones organising (and paying) for the funeral. Even if that’s decision my committee. Of course you ‘can’ fly in the face of that, but whether you should or not is another matter.

OP is upset about communication not being direct, but she needs to lead that direct communication if that’s what she wants. At the moment sounds like she is:

1. Getting in a flap with Chinese whispers, which is helping no one.
2. Positioning her DH’s feelings into the centre, where they have no place.

You don’t need 3 days leave surely? I’d just stay in a travelodge for either the night before or the night of the funeral depending on the time of the service.

If there is no option but to take a baby into the crem then fine but I don’t know why a friend in a car outside wouldn’t be suitable for 20 minutes. Why would the car be cold? Presumably it is in working order? 😅

She asks the widow/her grandmother directly, says DA has some reservations/concerns, and then abides by her grandmothers decision.

She doesn’t say, she won’t be able to come or anything like that to make it difficult for her grandmother when grieving, just find out how her grandmother feels about dc being there, there then work around it.

It grandmother is ok, tell DA, again directly, that grandmother/DM both want dc there so you will be attending with them, but will keep any potential disruption to a minimum by sitting near a door.

It’s really not hard.

You don’t need permission to bring your baby to a funeral. You had your own relationship with your grandfather, which is important, and your aunt doesn’t get to lay down the law like this; a funeral isn’t a private party where she gets to pick and choose who attends. In your situation I would just turn up, with my husband and baby, and look slightly baffled if she says anything. At that age I would have had baby in a sling anyway, and with a winter coat on top they would barely have been noticed.

Absolutely this. It really doesn't need all this second guessing and worrying about. Rise above it.

I wouldnt say babies not allowed. My then 5 year old attended my Father's. Cremations are very short, I wouldnt see an issue with baby in car with a family friend for 20-30 mins. Its not really appropriate to bring a new baby to a cremation tbh. Could one of you go to funeral home and one to service? Or else both go and baby who will probably be asleep can stay with friend. If baby awake/crying one of you will have to stay outside the crematorium anyway. I wouldn't make a big deal of this. Go with next of kins wishes. Its a very stressful time planning a service. Sorry for your loss.

It's not really appropriate to bring a new baby to a cremation tbh
In your opinion. It's entirely normal and appropriate for many people for babies and children to be fully included in all ceremonies.

Exactly. And beyond "it's not appropriate" no one can explain exactly why it's not appropriate. PPs 5 year old likely made more disruption than some babies.

I took my 5 month old dd to my grandmas funeral. I would have been furious if anyone had told me I couldn't. She was as good as gold and I think her being there helped the older relatives.
I am so sorry for your loss, and I just hope it's grief talking with your aunt saying that

The baby is much less likely to be crying though if it's in a sling on its mum than if it is in a car with a stranger!

Why is it not appropriate? The baby doesn't know what's going on and I think it's very appropriate to have the youngest generation there.

She didnt actually, she is very well behaved. Through the course of my work I attend a lot of funerals and babies/toddlers are often in attendance, often crying/fussing. No issue if parents take them outside asap but not always the case. Was at a child's funeral recently where a toddler was running amok. Parents solution was to play peppa pig on phone (no headphones) rather than one family member discreetly stand outside. A sleeping baby is fine. A screaming baby is not. Its the family's last chance at a goodbye. Sounds like OP is fully aware though and considerate if baby causes disruption. I dont see any issue though with a friend sitting outside either. This isn't a hill I would die on!!

Also my 5 year old was incredibly close to her Grandfather. This is the baby's great Grandfather and the baby doesnt know whats going on so doesnt 'need' to be there to day goodbye so to speak.

I have taken children to funerals without thinking twice about it. DD was 8 weeks old when I took her to the funeral of my friend's teenage son. She slept through the service then during the tea she was passed round the family who actually thanked me for bringing her because she was such a distraction and made them all smile.

I see nothing wrong with a baby being at a funeral as long as the parents are respectful and quietly remove the baby at the first sign of the baby causing disruption

This is my own view, @snoopyfanaccountant, but for all the talk about "taking them out if they're noisy" it can get a bit spoiled once someone's experienced those who insist they'll do this then don't - even sometimes making things worse with shushing or the use of phones to "distract" which they've "forgotten" to put on silent

When it was my Fil’s funeral, our daughter took their 8 month old daughter who was his dgd. No one had a problem with it and in fact it was a lovely reminder that although he had passed the family continued with a new generation.
We are of Irish decent so it’s quite common to see young children at funerals.

I’d just do as I wish people would do at weddings - sit at the back/near an exit and if the baby starts to cry or be a distraction, step outside. I’d feed them first in the hope that it will encourage sleep or at least ensure they don’t fuss, but it’s totally fine to take an infant.

@Sadtiredoverwhelmed I think I have read this correctly and your grandmother is still alive. If so, then if anyone is chief mourner then surely it would be her. If she is happy for your baby to come, as is your mum, I would take your baby and say goodbye to your grandfather. Your aunt is forgetting what a funeral is for, and is putting appearances above everything else. It is such a shame people don't want babies at such events. To me it's part of the circle of life. I understand with weddings things can be different, but one highlight of mine was my little niece clapping in the aisle after we said our vows. It made everyone else join in and was joyous.

The OP’s mother is doing as much organising as the DA. The aunt is not “chief mourner” either by virtue of being the widow or by being the sole organiser. Payment comes out of the estate and frankly paying does not make you chief mourner either.

I agree direct communication is best. Most of the relationship threads on MN make me want to say “just bloody talk to each other”. However in this case the OP’s DM also needs to step up and make her own wishes known as they are different from the DA.

The OP believes the DGF/DGM would want the baby there. The DA has not said otherwise - she has simply lied to them about crem rules on funeral attendance.

This.

I agree on direct communication but its a simple fact of the matter that they cannot both attend the funeral if the baby doesn't attend. To conceal that from the widow is not direct communication, its withholding material facts.

In either case, the DA is not chief mourner and should no more be deciding the matter and imposing her choices than the OP’s DM. The DA should even less be dictating to the OP where and when she should stay overnight.

Your aunt is talking shite. I went to a cremation last year of a relative of my friend. Friend and husband took 1 year old with them. They’d already agreed beforehand that if baby kicked off then husband would take him outside. It was fine.

I don't think anyone needs to communicate anything. It's such a non-issue. Nobody needs to request permission or offer an opinion at all.

I don't think your aunts views should take president over those of your mum or nana.

As I can see out if the 3 main direct relatives (mum, aunt and nana) it's only your aunt who doesn't want your baby - and essentially your family- there.

You should all go, you have a right to be there and your aunt should dictate the mourning of other people.