To take my baby to funeral

[Sadtiredoverwhelmed]

My much loved GF sadly passed away and his funeral is approaching. DGF was also like a grandparent to my DH (we have been together for a decade and he didn’t grow up with any grandparents) so we both want to attend the funeral however we have a 3m baby - I didn’t think anything of this as my DGF loved my baby and we were planning to sit at the back / side so one of us could go out with DC if needed. However my DM has told me that my aunt said babies aren’t allowed at crematoriums (???!!) and it is inappropriate so DC can’t come. Funeral is the other end of the country from where we live so DA suggested to my DM that our DC could sit outside in the car with her friend (who we have never met) during the service - we haven’t left DC with anyone apart from both my parents and ex-nanny sister on two occasions for short periods - so we will obviously not be starting with a stranger in a car in January!

None of this has been communicated directly to me but it is apparently now expected DH won’t come to the service to look after DC which we are both very upset about. AIBU to have expected to be able to take my DC and want the support of my husband at the funeral?

I am also concerned that as we have been asked to stay at the wake venue at considerable expense - especially whilst on mat pay, it will at the time be suggested that we take DC upstairs even if that isn’t what is said now on the “not appropriate” basis. My parents and siblings are staying with family but no more rooms.

Any advice appreciated please - my current reaction is not to put my little family through all the travel, expense, and requirement to take 3 days AL to potentially hang around in a hotel bedroom - but I am aware I am very tired and emotional so might not be thinking rationally.

There are often very good reasons why those closest to the deceased would prefer certain others not attend.

This doesn’t apply to the OP, as it seems as though the deceased’s widow and children don’t agree with each other anyway, and she said she’d respect their wishes in any case, but it is beyond crass for a more distant relative / friend to insist on attending a funeral if closer relatives object.

Regardless of your views on babies at a funeral, some of the comments here about the aunt - a woman grieving her father - are awful.

@longtompot,I read that but assumed it was hyperbole. I definitely don’t think the DH’s “almost a grandparent” relationship should take precedence over the deceased’s actual daughter’s wishes.

Oh, and to add that “I’ll take them out if they make noise” is something all parents say but very few actually do. Because they don’t seem to realise how loud / distracting child noise is when you don’t have kids rather than cos they’re horrible people. But the upshot is the same - a disrupted service.

I would reassure aunt that you can sit at the back and nip out if needed. Book a hotel room if needed. But nobody else can dictate who is allowed/not allowed at a funeral or tell you that you have to leave your baby with a stranger in a car.

My little GD came to my father's funeral.
Handing her round at the wake was therapeutic for everyone.

We took our twin daughters to my grandma’s funeral, she adored them, they were 13 months old, so had no idea what was going on. They were quiet throughout the church service, bribed with rusks and milk, afterwards at the wake, they really helped, especially my dear dad, my grandma’s eldest son, who cuddled them in his arms. I think she would have approved, and I know it helped my dad through a sad day. They both had a look of her, lovely rosy cheeks, and told us silently that life goes on, and so does she, in her granddaughters.

Thanks again all for taking the time to offer opinions and advice.

I have decided I will not drag my DGM into this - I (think, from DM) I know her opinion but feel it is very unfair to try and get DGM to overrule DA (which will be difficult) when she is in shock and grieving. I have also found out that my DM asked DA to speak directly to me about this and she hasn’t done so either over message or when we’ve seen each other, so I’m not going to force an unproductive conversation with DA either. Also if DA does feel this strongly there’s frankly no point distressing her further.

I’m also not going to justify all the nuances of strength of relationships / journey times for 400 miles / why I want to attend with my own family / not leaving baby with people I have never heard of before etc on here BUT have now made a plan I feel comfortable with so thanks for the advice. But for the record - I’m definitely aware of how loud children are; I am the kind of person that is mortified if LO cries on the bus and immediately whip him out of any public situation at the first sign of any sound, let alone a wedding or a wake!

I’ve called the crematorium and the very kind lady has made a note to have a screen and speakers set up in the little room / foyer - obviously babies are allowed in the chapel and this is usually more for overflow or if people have to step out, but I plan to sit there from the off with my baby and DH. Room is completely separate and we can go in after the chapel doors are shut so that DA doesn’t even have to see us - hopefully this should be okay as she had suggested we wait outside of the service. We can either slip away when it finishes or if DGM / DM prefer wait around, and then baby, DH and I will head to the wake / bun fight with everyone else - apparently attendance of the wake is ok (for now!).

DH and I will most likely get a (cheaper) hotel room elsewhere.

NOK won’t be told about the TV system being specifically set up so this won’t force the issue with the “more important” (?!?!) mourners.

One thing I have definitely taken from all the posts is that I will be using a sling around the crematorium rather than carrying LO or using a pram - it’s the most unobtrusive, will prevent anyone fawning over or passing the baby around outside the crematorium, and LO should hopefully sleep in it anyway as is usual, meaning I won’t be stressed about people inside the chapel hearing LO if we are separated as he is very very needy for me atm 🤞🏻

DM isn’t thrilled we won’t be in the chapel, but I feel this is the smoothest path forwards for now and avoids her having to bring it up again / potentially fall out with DSis. I’m telling myself there’s little difference between sitting at the back and sitting behind a wall - I’m short, so will likely have a much better view with the TV screen anyway!

OP you are behaving with the ultimate grace and I commend you for that.

People have very odd views about children at funerals.

the only person capable of making a decision about taking the baby is you and your partner.

ignore your aunt and take the baby. If anything a lovely cooing baby will bring huge relief to the occasion.

so sorry for your loss op.

You don’t need anyone’s permission

your aunt is not the ruler of the funeral
neither is your sister

Sounds like a good plan.

I had to take my 6 month year old to my grandmother's funeral - and she did kick off part way through. Not entirely surprising, I was emotionally distressed and she would have picked up on it. My husband and I had dived into the pew nearest the door and he just quickly took her out and watched the rest via video link. The wake was fine.

One piece of advice though - depending how strongly you feel - I absolutely struggled to find a dark coloured dress for my daughter in the summer. You might have better luck looking for one of the dark blue or green tartan type in the post Christmas sales.

If you want to be in the chapel then go in. Your DH can take the baby out of the chapel if they start crying or maybe your DH can sit out of the funeral and meet you after.

Why not sit at the back and just slip out to the room they’ve prepared if needed? At least you know it’s there now and you wouldn’t have to go outside which is good.

Nobody, however ridiculously hung up on rules they are is judging the outfit of a three month old baby at a funeral. It absolutely doesn't matter what they are wearing.

There seems to be no good reason why OP’s aunt is forbidding her baby to attend. I completely understand the comments this woman has received on the thread.

I haven't RTFT, but I wonder if your aunt has been to funerals where babies have cried and disturbed the service and she is worried about this happening, maybe this is why she says it isn't appropriate?

As long as one of you take baby out if they start crying it will be fine. Just go. Ignore your aunt. She’s being ridiculous.

Maybe the child was a close relative? A much cherished younger cousin or niece.if a young person in my family died the children would be at the funeral to say goodbye and to allow their parents to say goodbye

Perhaps it is as simple as she is worried that the baby will disturb the service and she wants to be able to focus on that rather than worrying about whether a disturbance will happen.

People can get fixated on all manner of things when grieving.

Just ask your aunt if she’s been seen by a GP about her cognition issues and look at her very concerned. Then crack on as you wanted to

As I said upthread, a simple ‘baby is welcome to come but please can husband sit at the back with her in case she needs to be taken out’ would have been better than banning family members.

But can you not see that by the time the baby is making a noise it’s already disturbed the service?

Or the aunt might worry that the baby being there might “take” the attention from the deceased if everyone is fussing over the baby.

I just don’t think she deserves the level od vitriol she’s been getting on this thread.

For heaven’s sake, it’s a funeral, not an exam! Silence isn’t required!

You wouldn’t know. No one here would. Not even the OP has spoken to her. Instead it’s been relayed between multiple different people. She could be worried the service will be disrupted by noises of crying (no matter how quickly you nip then out). She could have been at a funeral where a baby did cause disruption – because of course they carry that risk.

Yes it is, other than for the people speaking.

Or at least it depends on the funeral. The “celebration of life” types perhaps not so much, but most of the funerals I’ve been to have been solemn affairs where noise would not be appropriate.