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AIBU?

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Original poster

Son's girlfriend doesn't wash

619 replies

guineaguineaguineapig · 29/12/2025 18:03

We have a bit of a delicate situation. Our son's girlfriend is currently living with us for an indefinite period of time. We don't mind her being here, but the problem is that she hardly ever showers or washes her clothes. As a result, she gives off a strong body odour that is becoming unbearable. It has got to the stage where I dread giving her lifts anywhere, because of the smell in the car. I can even smell when she's been in a room, let alone when she is still in it. I know some of it is her clothes, so I managed to wash some by saying I needed to make up a load. I have shown her how to use the washing machine, and my son also knows how to use it. He washes his own clothes and asks her if she needs anything washing, but she always seems to say no. After about a month of her being here, I decided to raise the issue with my son as I felt someone needed to say something to her, in case she was unaware. For context, she hasn't had the best upbringing and may not have been encouraged into good habits. He said he is aware of the problem, but it didn't really seem to bother him. I suggested he have a word with her about it, but I don't think he has.
She is smelling particularly bad at the moment. It was awkward when we had to go to my mum's for Boxing Day, as I was very aware of her body odour smell. No-one said anything - but then they wouldn't, would they? My son showers every day and has shown her how to use the shower. Very occasionally, she does have one, so it isn't the case that she feels uncomfortable showering in someone else's house. She seems at home in every other way. I am now getting to the stage where I am tempted to just run her a bath and invite her to hop in. She has come down with a really bad cold at the moment, so could I maybe say a bath would do her good? It doesn't really solve the problem long-term though.

Am I being unreasonable to insist that my son address this with her? It's really getting us down (by us I mean me, my husband and his sister).

OP posts:
RolexHoarder · 31/12/2025 13:08

Excellent news. I would suggest two things, that you provide a strong hard soap such as Shield or Dettol antibacterial which really do get rid of the pongs (shower gel is useless on sweaty underarms) and provide Mitchum deodorant which is much stronger, my experience of Sanex is that is just to weak to last more than a day. Good luck.

Susgor · 31/12/2025 13:09

I'm so glad OP, I congratulate you on your kind (and successful) approach, you are a good mum and person

MissDoubleU · 31/12/2025 13:19

Thats such a gorgeous update OP. As someone who had a bad upbringing myself and struggled with a lot of relatively basic things for a long time, it really touched me. Just seeing this young girl as someone worth putting effort into is amazing.

This is how you become a loved and adored MIL. Your son picked her for a reason. Here you’re not only taking time to work with the person she is, you helping her get to the person she could be. Sensitively and supportively.

Great job OP.

Cocktailsandcheese · 31/12/2025 13:26

You are such a lovely person OP, you have dealt with this perfectly.

TheSunRisesInTheEast · 31/12/2025 13:33

So lovely to hear of the successful outcome, you are a kind and thoughtful person. This young girl will never forget the care and kindness you have shown her, whether she stays with your son or not. All the best for 2026 💐 x

Huntrix · 31/12/2025 13:42

Aw that's a lovely update. Well done OP!

ClairDeLaLune · 31/12/2025 13:46

Awww OP you are such a lovely person! You sound so sensitive and caring, you handled this so well, in fact your update has made me a bit tearful. You’ll make someone a wonderful MIL one day! Well done 👏

Stillreadingalot · 31/12/2025 13:50

You sound absolutely lovely

Serendipetty · 31/12/2025 14:01

TimeToBanLobbying · 31/12/2025 13:03

It depends on the level of neglect.
Washing isn't instinctive - it's a learned behaviour. If you are not taught key skills before the age of 4 you will probably suffer from this as a result and if the gf is autistic there could be other sensory-related issues. I'd recommend reaching out to the gf's mother or professionals who know the best way to handle this type of scenario.
There was a case of a young woman at work who smelled from lack of washing.
Her male supervisor decided to go down the direct route and she ended up leaving out of embarrassment which I thought was cruel tbh. Young men who don't shower every day are quite common in the IT field. No-one ever intervened possibly because of their skill-sets but also because there's lower expectations in relation to hygiene for men than for women.

Edited
Show quote history

I have experienced this too (the young men in IT part). A lot of IT guys don't wash IME. I have a close friend who has ASD and is one of these. Luckily for him he is naturally not a very smelly person but sometimes his (long) hair looks like a well-oiled mop.

Violinist64 · 31/12/2025 14:07

Well done.

AlwaysGotAnOpinion · 31/12/2025 14:10

guineaguineaguineapig · 31/12/2025 12:54

Update. I've now had the chat with her and I think it went well. I mentioned that I noticed a reluctance on her part to use the shower and asked if there was anything we could do to make it easier. For those who have suggested it is due to her upbringing and also neurodiversity were spot on. She has explained why showering is very difficult for her. I can't go into detail because it would be outing, but there was some very unusual behaviour and neglect on the part of her mother, which explains a lot. This, along with health issues (again, can't go into detail) make showering a big deal both physically and mentally. We established the best time of day for her to shower (related to health issue) and agreed she would shower three times a week, and I suggested she pick the days. She said she will need pushing to do it and has given me permission to remind her and encourage her. I also talked about clothing and said that we will wash absolutely everything because dirty and clean clothes have got muddled up (which could be blamed on lack of storage space) and that from now onwards we will find a system to keep track of what needs washing. More storage space has been provided. I also bought her a Sanex deodorant, which she seemed pleased with, and I explained that on the days she doesn't shower she needs to wash and use the deodorant every day. Her mother had never taught her any of this and in fact had actively discouraged it. We have spoken since the chat (about other irrelevent things) and she seems fine and in a good mood - in fact, she seems quite relieved.
I am very grateful for all the advice I got on MN, which helped me face it head-on, and I'm so glad I did. I tend to be a bit avoidant when it comes to problems, so being given suggestions and encouragement has been really helpful. The best advice (which came up a lot) was to be direct and give specific instructions to her. I wasted a lot of time hinting and tiptoeing around the subject. She really is a lovely girl and just needs some guidance. For those who have said they think I am putting up with too much, I would say that I think some people are worth putting effort into.

You sound so lovely and a great Mum / Mum figure to your son’s girlfriend 🥰

Chickencuddle · 31/12/2025 14:14

guineaguineaguineapig · 31/12/2025 12:54

Update. I've now had the chat with her and I think it went well. I mentioned that I noticed a reluctance on her part to use the shower and asked if there was anything we could do to make it easier. For those who have suggested it is due to her upbringing and also neurodiversity were spot on. She has explained why showering is very difficult for her. I can't go into detail because it would be outing, but there was some very unusual behaviour and neglect on the part of her mother, which explains a lot. This, along with health issues (again, can't go into detail) make showering a big deal both physically and mentally. We established the best time of day for her to shower (related to health issue) and agreed she would shower three times a week, and I suggested she pick the days. She said she will need pushing to do it and has given me permission to remind her and encourage her. I also talked about clothing and said that we will wash absolutely everything because dirty and clean clothes have got muddled up (which could be blamed on lack of storage space) and that from now onwards we will find a system to keep track of what needs washing. More storage space has been provided. I also bought her a Sanex deodorant, which she seemed pleased with, and I explained that on the days she doesn't shower she needs to wash and use the deodorant every day. Her mother had never taught her any of this and in fact had actively discouraged it. We have spoken since the chat (about other irrelevent things) and she seems fine and in a good mood - in fact, she seems quite relieved.
I am very grateful for all the advice I got on MN, which helped me face it head-on, and I'm so glad I did. I tend to be a bit avoidant when it comes to problems, so being given suggestions and encouragement has been really helpful. The best advice (which came up a lot) was to be direct and give specific instructions to her. I wasted a lot of time hinting and tiptoeing around the subject. She really is a lovely girl and just needs some guidance. For those who have said they think I am putting up with too much, I would say that I think some people are worth putting effort into.

If only everyone was as lovely as you the world would be a happier place. So pleased you got sorted for both you and her

KimberleyClark · 31/12/2025 14:15

Well done OP you have dealt with this really well.

saraclara · 31/12/2025 14:20

Well done! I'd have struggled hugely at best, and probably chickened out completely, in that situation.

Did you discover why there were no knickers to wash? I wondered if your DS was just being sensitive to her feelings and not including them.

Clefable · 31/12/2025 14:22

Bless you, OP, what a kind and generous person you are. And sounds like a lovely way for the new year to begin, with a new start for her looking after herself a bit more, with your guidance. Well done!

Stillreadingalot · 31/12/2025 14:22

You sound absolutely lovely OP. Like some others I wasn't really taught about personal care but picked it up from some lovely friends. It's only now that looking back I realise there was some neglect and I'd have welcomed intervention from a considerate adult.

spiderlight · 31/12/2025 14:31

Thank goodness there are people like you in the world, OP. You've made such a difference to her life now. Thank you for handling it so sensitively.

Itschaoshere · 31/12/2025 15:09

Just wanted to say, you are wonderful!

FeralWoman · 31/12/2025 15:26

@guineaguineaguineapig Well done on handling the GF sensitively and gaining her trust. I’m so happy for you that she’s open to your help. If you’re willing, she might need other help from you. You might need to pay until she’s earning some money but it sounds like she’ll appreciate your help. Here’s some ideas for you.

How’s her dental health? Does she know how to floss and brush effectively? Does she need a new toothbrush or fluoride toothpaste? Has she ever had a dental check up? Electric toothbrush has been a game changer for DH and me, and our ASD DD has used one (or had us use it on her) since about 2 years old. So much easier to clean teeth thoroughly.

Does she need a haircut to tidy up her hair or a new style that is easier to look after? Has she ever been to a hairdresser? Does she have a brush, comb, hair ties, hair styling products?

Does she have a suitable outfit for a job interview? She might need to be taken shopping by you for a suitable top, skirt/trousers, jacket/coat, and shoes. Maybe have a look at some shops’ websites together, decide which one has the style of clothing she likes, and go together. Much less stressful to have a look at home at their websites instead of walking in to a strange new shop with music, smells, bright lights and people everywhere. Take screenshots or make an online shopping list of the items she’d like to look at. I find this approach super helpful for my DD and honestly for myself too.

Is she immunised? Did she have her standard childhood vaccinations and teen boosters? I’m guessing that her parents probably didn’t bother.

Can she cook a simple meal? Does she know how to wash up dishes or stack a dishwasher? Does she know how to iron clothes? Vacuum a floor? Clean a toilet and shower? Shop for groceries? Stick to a budget? Basic skills but I’m guessing she’s never been taught and might need some help to learn them. Learning those skills will help her to gain independence and hopefully serve her well when she or she and DS move out of home, and she can help out while living in your home.

DriveVerySlowlyPastNumber23IWantThemToSeeMyHat · 31/12/2025 16:28

You sound so lovely OP and I'm glad she now has a positive role model and somebody she can turn to ❤️

Sunshineclouds11 · 31/12/2025 16:33

May your pillow always be cold op.

lovely update well done

meganorks · 31/12/2025 16:49

What a lovely update. I'm glad you took the time and advice to help her. Such a difficult conversation! I'm not sure i would be brave enough.
One thing I thought was does she need a bit more help with how to do a clothes wash? Eg how to check the labels for instructions; what all the logos mean; separating whites etc. Its one thing knowing how the washing machine works but if you have literally no clue what to do could be quite daunting in to approach in someone else's home.

ParmaVioletTea · 31/12/2025 16:49

You sound fantastic @guineaguineaguineapig and please don't undermine the really lovely thing you've doe by criticising yourself for being avoidant. It helped you take it slowly & with respect for her and her dignity Flowers

SisSuffragette · 31/12/2025 17:08

Opnyou are a really lovely human and what a lovely thread to read on new year's eve. Well done to you

omggggggg · 31/12/2025 17:15

Great update OP. She’s so lucky to have you.