Son's girlfriend doesn't wash

[guineaguineaguineapig]

We have a bit of a delicate situation. Our son's girlfriend is currently living with us for an indefinite period of time. We don't mind her being here, but the problem is that she hardly ever showers or washes her clothes. As a result, she gives off a strong body odour that is becoming unbearable. It has got to the stage where I dread giving her lifts anywhere, because of the smell in the car. I can even smell when she's been in a room, let alone when she is still in it. I know some of it is her clothes, so I managed to wash some by saying I needed to make up a load. I have shown her how to use the washing machine, and my son also knows how to use it. He washes his own clothes and asks her if she needs anything washing, but she always seems to say no. After about a month of her being here, I decided to raise the issue with my son as I felt someone needed to say something to her, in case she was unaware. For context, she hasn't had the best upbringing and may not have been encouraged into good habits. He said he is aware of the problem, but it didn't really seem to bother him. I suggested he have a word with her about it, but I don't think he has.
She is smelling particularly bad at the moment. It was awkward when we had to go to my mum's for Boxing Day, as I was very aware of her body odour smell. No-one said anything - but then they wouldn't, would they? My son showers every day and has shown her how to use the shower. Very occasionally, she does have one, so it isn't the case that she feels uncomfortable showering in someone else's house. She seems at home in every other way. I am now getting to the stage where I am tempted to just run her a bath and invite her to hop in. She has come down with a really bad cold at the moment, so could I maybe say a bath would do her good? It doesn't really solve the problem long-term though.

Am I being unreasonable to insist that my son address this with her? It's really getting us down (by us I mean me, my husband and his sister).

They’re sleeping in DS’s teenage bedroom, I suppose

I don’t have experience of people who have been through the care system.

There are loads of things I do despite not being explicitly educated in them. I actually, truthfully, genuinely do find it very hard to believe that people don’t know they need to wash if they start to smell.

You can still work despite all of those things.

I couldn't work when I had ptsd. I was really unwell for a couple of years. I wasn't on benefits btw just incase anyone decides to pick me up on that but don't assume people who suffer from trauma are fit to work. I absolutely could not at that point in time

No one is saying she cant. But let's be realistic, it's 30th December, most non essential services are on Christmas shut down and you have no idea what shes doing the rest of the time. You just forgot to look beyond your own frame of reference.

Don't forget the bedsheets.
Nothing like nice fresh sheets if you aren't feeling well.........

It's better coming from you. She's probably unaware. Make it specific. Tell her she smells bad and her clothes smell bad and she's making the house and car smell bad.
Tell her you expect her to wash her clothes (be specific about which ones and how often) and herself (again be specific, every other day for example). Ask her to commit to that.

Honestly I think I would throw them out if it was me

I don’t know how a person can’t smell themselves.

I would try casually asking her about her hygiene, for example, you could say something like: I read an article about how often you should wash your hair, twice a week, but I like to shower almost everyday. How often do you wash your hair?

Something like that and then either following that or on a different day you could continue the conversation by telling her which deodorant you love. That Wild brand, for example then you can talk about the different cases, scents and how it’s good for the environment. I think that is the kindest way. She might see through it but then at least you haven’t embarrassed her and she will probably also understand that you’re trying to be kind.

You can continue these conversations by telling her you bought her some and, for example, if it’s a 48 hour suggest that she used it daily from your own experience.

When it comes to clothes I think that needs to be a little more obvious. Surely your son could wash them if you ask him. It doesn’t require an awkward conversation. Failing that I would be tempted to take them from the laundry basket and wash them and tell her: “I’ve noticed you guys haven’t washed clothes for a few days so I’ve washed a load. If you don’t have time to
wash them leave your laundry basket out for me and I’ll do it every week.”
I’m not saying you should have to
wash them but that seems to be the kindest way.

I think as she has a cold, like you say you could run her a bath, they do some Vicks bubble bath stuff. You could light a few menthol candles, get her some nice body wash etc and say she’s welcome to run the bath or shower daily as it’ll make it feel better - just reassert the point. Suggest gathering up all her clothes and throwing them in the wash too as say the virus will be on her clothes and therefore best to wash them too (buy her a new pair of pjs to put on after her bath) and ensure everything else is washed two washing tabs and dried. Once that’s all under way, once it’s clean explain to her gently that she should be using the machine once a week for a big wash of all her clothes / and also make sure your son is taking care of bedding towels. Try the nice subtle way and if no luck you will have to speak to her and let her know it’s an expectation that she is clean . I am not a mean person but can’t stand smellsxxx

People in third world countries used to bathe in the river, or carry water back in a barrel just so to be clean. Nothing to do with companies trying to make money, but about the necessity of being clean.

Once you hit puberty, your body will smell, but as evidenced on such threads, some people can't smell themselves and in turn believe they don't smell.

It's being nose blind and most people are too polite to point it out.

Does she have or need any underwear do you think? Does she have any form of income?

@guineaguineaguineapig I don’t think you should worry too much about her being recognised - you don’t share a lot of details. If you’re worried you could ask MN to delete specific comments where you name their ages?

My two cents is in line with a lot of other wisdom already shared on here - don’t assume that she has been taught how to take care of herself or that she feels it’s normal or safe. Come from a place of mothering, loving, curious care - you say she doesn’t have any underpants - first step would be to take her shopping for those and buy them, then do a sit down chat about showering and laundry and what you would expect to be a normal rate of doing these things, and ask her what she learnt growing up, how she feels about showering and laundry etc and what would make it more comfortable/easier for her to meet the minimum standards required for a person out in the world getting a job etc - does she want special soap, a reserved laundry basket, can you help her by collecting her laundry and adding it to your loads etc etc

You can claim the housing element of UC for rent as a lodger but doesnt sound as if OP is charging rent, she should do in my view

And the relevance of someone having a medical condition which causes strong odours is what exactly? The girl doesnt wash. I wouldnt tolerate this in my home.

No relevance. You're fucking right - sorry I opened my fucking mouth you awful judgemental person

And just because she charges rent doesn't mean the dwp will pay it. Hope that also fucking helps

Don't respond to me again. There are lots of reasons why people don't wash. Clinical depression. Ptsd. Other trauma. I don't give a hoot what you would put up with. You aren't the Op and she sounds much nicer than you!!!

Just to correct something, children in the care system have care given by carers or foster carers, do you think they allow children to walk around being smelly? Thats quite offensive to foster carers who put a lot of effort into ensuring that children live by good standards of care.

Im also interested in the sheer prejudice throughout this thread to suggest that someone who is ND, if she is, just cant do it. Just cant be expected to work, cant be expected to get up, cant be expected to wash or be motivated. No wonder outcomes for people with ND are poor when there is a wealth of low expectations them.

This thread is a complete example of how to write someone off

She should be expected to function better and raise her standards.

No one said that - but you don't know why she's functioning the way she is right now and until you do know - stop lecturing

I had a friend who was sexually abused and could hardly get out of bed for six months

That's a strange assumption to make. All application forms are now online- are you aware of any online forms that can only be filled in at 10:20am? Most roles can be applied for 24 hours a day until the closing date.

Sanctimonious pie. Some children in care have been abused by foster carers. No one is writing this girl off because she's ND. Reading between the lines she's been neglected by her parents and the OP is doing the best she can

@Roobarbtwo you 'told' @soupyspoon not to reply to you again and she hasn't.

So why are you picking on her posts to others and replying to them?

Poor form.

I'll be honest I don't think even the most open families are open enough to tolerate a son decly"well I like ma women smelly'

I do think that's enough Mumsnet for you if you're getting this upset about a thread.

Perhaps logging off until the morning might be a good idea and I really don't mean that sarcastically

No wonder people don't post on here -they get hung out to dry by the carblolic soap brigade who don't understand why someone might not be washing and know nothing about their lives

Go rinse her in sheep dip. See if it makes you feel better