Son's girlfriend doesn't wash

[guineaguineaguineapig]

We have a bit of a delicate situation. Our son's girlfriend is currently living with us for an indefinite period of time. We don't mind her being here, but the problem is that she hardly ever showers or washes her clothes. As a result, she gives off a strong body odour that is becoming unbearable. It has got to the stage where I dread giving her lifts anywhere, because of the smell in the car. I can even smell when she's been in a room, let alone when she is still in it. I know some of it is her clothes, so I managed to wash some by saying I needed to make up a load. I have shown her how to use the washing machine, and my son also knows how to use it. He washes his own clothes and asks her if she needs anything washing, but she always seems to say no. After about a month of her being here, I decided to raise the issue with my son as I felt someone needed to say something to her, in case she was unaware. For context, she hasn't had the best upbringing and may not have been encouraged into good habits. He said he is aware of the problem, but it didn't really seem to bother him. I suggested he have a word with her about it, but I don't think he has.
She is smelling particularly bad at the moment. It was awkward when we had to go to my mum's for Boxing Day, as I was very aware of her body odour smell. No-one said anything - but then they wouldn't, would they? My son showers every day and has shown her how to use the shower. Very occasionally, she does have one, so it isn't the case that she feels uncomfortable showering in someone else's house. She seems at home in every other way. I am now getting to the stage where I am tempted to just run her a bath and invite her to hop in. She has come down with a really bad cold at the moment, so could I maybe say a bath would do her good? It doesn't really solve the problem long-term though.

Am I being unreasonable to insist that my son address this with her? It's really getting us down (by us I mean me, my husband and his sister).

The clothes one sounds like an easy fix.. your son can just wash her clothes with his. She doesn't need to he asked, just pick them up and wash them, easy.
I imagine the dirty clothes probably gives off the worst of the smell, but not sure.
How often is she showering? The showering is such an awkward one and id hate to have that conversation, but I do think it needs to be had.

That's how I see all posts from mumsnet, I got here through FB too. I don't even follow mumsnet on Facebook, but they're page pops up as 'things you may be interested in'

Tell her she stinks and needs to wash more regularly its disgusting and I wouldn't be fussy footing around it .

Why do people keep suggest this? OP lives with her and tbh there's no need to degrade her. It does sound like there's something more going on. She needs to be told yes but no need for rudeness.

Home bargains do it and the huge bottles of Sanex.

OP, after the girl has had a bath today, and you washed her dirty laundry, does the house smell fresher this evening? I'd also encourage your son to keep the bedroom window slightly open for fresh air, and maybe put a plug in air freshener in his bedroom. A clean bed makes a big difference in a bedroom, as does keeping trainers washed, I use a padded bag that I bought from Betterware years ago, they come out of the washing machine smelling a hell of a lot more fragrant than they went in!

Nope, I’d be having words! Not nastily or in a demeaning manner but I’d sit them both down and be honest…I keep a very clean house with reed diffusers, candles and the house smells lovely at all times, having someone that doesn’t bathe etc and causes the house to smell would not be acceptable, I’d tell me son first to have words, I’d give him a couple of weeks tops to get her to agree to shower daily and do laundry and then I’d tell her if nothing changes! If still no change, I’d give them both the option to move out..I can’t be doing with them stinking my house, my car etc out…that’s gross..

I was really smelly when I was younger. Also autistic and even though I did wash I just wasnt doing it correctly. Some people also just have a strong odor but this might not be the case if she isn't washing her clothes.
If I was in this situation I think id rather recieve a letter or note than direct confrontation. Obviously it would be better for your son to do it but I can see why he feels uncomfortable.

@guineaguineaguineapig try asking Chat gpt for help on how to have a conversation with her. Saw someone mention it on MN a while ago - as it gave much better advice than the great people of MN (minus the bun fight & bitching).

I used it today for advice on my teenage daughter's meltdowns (she is on the spectrum) and it was excellent - which is started there rather than waste money on private therapy (which has been useless!). Highly recommend.

I think l would sit down with the girlfriend in a quiet room and spell out the problem. It can be done kindly but it is a vital conversation. Autistic people often respond well to rules and you could frame it as life rules. You could even have a list of hygiene rules that she can refer to. I would tell her that underwear needs to be changed every day and her pants more often if she has period accidents. Her outer clothes should not be worn more than twice. She must apply deodorant every morning and shower at least every other day and wash her hair at least twice a week. Her clothes need to be washed every two to three days and her bed must be changed weekly. When she has her period, she must change her protection several times a day and put used products in a scented bag such as a nappy bag then put the bag in a bin. She must also wash her hands after every toilet visit. These rules may seem patronising and basic but she has obviously missed out on some very basic steps earlier in life. I would also stress that these are the rules that are followed by everyone in your house.

There's no excuse for an adult to be so entirely lacking in empathy, yet here you are.

A bath and clothes washed is a start in the right direction

I wouldn’t worry too much. The stuff you see on fb is targeted and it’s highly unlikely she’s the sort of audience they are trying to reach

@guineaguineaguineapig i would absolutely speak to her myself. .
Say you have noticed she hardly showers or uses the machine and it’s noticeable .

Op it’s your house and if she wants to live there she has to wash and have clean clothes .

It will likely be the clothes not being washed that are causing the main issue.

It’s New Year, say it’s a tradition in your household to do a major clean which includes all clothes being washed with no exceptions.

I have ADHD and really struggled with hygiene when I was younger for various reasons:

1. routine, I really struggled with routine
2. sensory, feeling of wet hair for example
3. transitions, having to get ready before shower and then after, would often sit wrapped in a towel for ages in a state of paralysis
4. overwhelm, I would let the laundry build up and then become overwhelmed by it or wouldn't have brushed my hair in ages and it would be matted so I'd avoid showering as I knew I'd have to deal with that.

I didn't have any trauma tho so obviously that could add in additional factors like being uncomfortable naked etc.

Sounds like you're helping with a few of these. Like offering to do the laundry helps with overwhelm and getting her the favoured shower gel helps with the sensory. I think having gentle by FIRM regular chats could help establish routine. What helped me was getting a professional job, as I knew I had to be clean and tidy for it. This provided gentle pressure which I needed to form routine. I would just procrastinate otherwise.

Good luck OP.

Could you frame it as concerning for her? I mean, I say 'frame it' but I'm sure you are concerned about her.

E.g.
Hey ...,
I needed to come chat to you as I've been a bit worried about you. I'm so glad you feel safe and welcome here and we want you to continue to do so and there is no easy way of saying this but I've noticed, of late, your personal hygiene seems to be taking a bit of a nose dive. I am not judging but I am raising this as my friend Polly (whatever name you insert) did the same when she was struggling with her mental health, which has made me concerned for you.
I want to help and support you as much as I can. If it's not that and you're worried you can't afford products or you're not wanting to put your laundry 'burden' onto us, I can assure you that wouldn't be the case.
It's just becoming a bit noticeable so I want to help you, with whatever may be the cause.

If you come at it from a supportive angle, it will deal with the issue without hopefully causing upset.

Update. I've now had the chat with her and I think it went well. I mentioned that I noticed a reluctance on her part to use the shower and asked if there was anything we could do to make it easier. For those who have suggested it is due to her upbringing and also neurodiversity were spot on. She has explained why showering is very difficult for her. I can't go into detail because it would be outing, but there was some very unusual behaviour and neglect on the part of her mother, which explains a lot. This, along with health issues (again, can't go into detail) make showering a big deal both physically and mentally. We established the best time of day for her to shower (related to health issue) and agreed she would shower three times a week, and I suggested she pick the days. She said she will need pushing to do it and has given me permission to remind her and encourage her. I also talked about clothing and said that we will wash absolutely everything because dirty and clean clothes have got muddled up (which could be blamed on lack of storage space) and that from now onwards we will find a system to keep track of what needs washing. More storage space has been provided. I also bought her a Sanex deodorant, which she seemed pleased with, and I explained that on the days she doesn't shower she needs to wash and use the deodorant every day. Her mother had never taught her any of this and in fact had actively discouraged it. We have spoken since the chat (about other irrelevent things) and she seems fine and in a good mood - in fact, she seems quite relieved.
I am very grateful for all the advice I got on MN, which helped me face it head-on, and I'm so glad I did. I tend to be a bit avoidant when it comes to problems, so being given suggestions and encouragement has been really helpful. The best advice (which came up a lot) was to be direct and give specific instructions to her. I wasted a lot of time hinting and tiptoeing around the subject. She really is a lovely girl and just needs some guidance. For those who have said they think I am putting up with too much, I would say that I think some people are worth putting effort into.

That's a lovely update OP. 😀 Hope things go better with her from now on.

I didn't get good guidance on such things either growing up, grateful for tactful friends who gave me a few pointers.

You sound like an absolute legend @guineaguineaguineapig ⭐

OP you are an amazing person and mum. You have been so patient and compassionate in your dealing with this, and helpful towards someone who clearly desperately needing guidance. Thank you for looking after her and showing the good out there. I hope she is able to go out and get that job, and start building her own, independent future.

Wow well done! She sounds like she really welcomed your offer of support and trusted you as she was really honest. She must feel really safe with you, you've done a wonderful thing. That really is the best update. 😍

It depends on the level of neglect.
Washing isn't instinctive - it's a learned behaviour. If you are not taught key skills before the age of 4 you will probably suffer from this as a result and if the gf is autistic there could be other sensory-related issues. I'd recommend reaching out to the gf's mother or professionals who know the best way to handle this type of scenario.
There was a case of a young woman at work who smelled from lack of washing.
Her male supervisor decided to go down the direct route and she ended up leaving out of embarrassment which I thought was cruel tbh. Young men who don't shower every day are quite common in the IT field. No-one ever intervened possibly because of their skill-sets but also because there's lower expectations in relation to hygiene for men than for women.

Oh goodness,that update made me quite teary. Well done OP x

Aww op that has made my eyes water! Good on you for talking to her firmly, kindly and without judgement. And thank god you ignored those who wanted you to kick her out or be harsh to her. All young people deserve a chance and sadly she hasn’t had one until now. Sometimes the glaringly obvious needs pointing out to people when they are struggling.

Wishing you good things for 2026! ⭐