Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Son's girlfriend doesn't wash

619 replies

guineaguineaguineapig · 29/12/2025 18:03

We have a bit of a delicate situation. Our son's girlfriend is currently living with us for an indefinite period of time. We don't mind her being here, but the problem is that she hardly ever showers or washes her clothes. As a result, she gives off a strong body odour that is becoming unbearable. It has got to the stage where I dread giving her lifts anywhere, because of the smell in the car. I can even smell when she's been in a room, let alone when she is still in it. I know some of it is her clothes, so I managed to wash some by saying I needed to make up a load. I have shown her how to use the washing machine, and my son also knows how to use it. He washes his own clothes and asks her if she needs anything washing, but she always seems to say no. After about a month of her being here, I decided to raise the issue with my son as I felt someone needed to say something to her, in case she was unaware. For context, she hasn't had the best upbringing and may not have been encouraged into good habits. He said he is aware of the problem, but it didn't really seem to bother him. I suggested he have a word with her about it, but I don't think he has.
She is smelling particularly bad at the moment. It was awkward when we had to go to my mum's for Boxing Day, as I was very aware of her body odour smell. No-one said anything - but then they wouldn't, would they? My son showers every day and has shown her how to use the shower. Very occasionally, she does have one, so it isn't the case that she feels uncomfortable showering in someone else's house. She seems at home in every other way. I am now getting to the stage where I am tempted to just run her a bath and invite her to hop in. She has come down with a really bad cold at the moment, so could I maybe say a bath would do her good? It doesn't really solve the problem long-term though.

Am I being unreasonable to insist that my son address this with her? It's really getting us down (by us I mean me, my husband and his sister).

OP posts:
Otterdrunk · 30/12/2025 19:05

Serendipetty · 30/12/2025 17:43

That is true but there won't be SO many people whose son's girlfriend lives with them who's estranged from family, doesn't work and smells. FB is a lot more widely used than MN-of course not everyone on here is a Mum but it is aimed at Mums. People of all sorts of spheres of society use fb-she's a lot more likely to see it there. She might'nt even know MN exists but I guarantee she or her family/friends/OP's son haev heard of fb and might come across it there.

Show quote history

Good point. MN is quite niche & of a certain age/demographic. I didn’t know they actively promote their own posts on FB tho either. Good to know!

Roobarbtwo · 30/12/2025 19:10

ChimpanzeeThatMonkeyNews · 30/12/2025 18:59

And the OP has been asking her son’s gf to wash herself since she moved in.

Show quote history

Not so. She waited a month before raising the issue

ChimpanzeeThatMonkeyNews · 30/12/2025 19:15

Only because she was too polite to say anything before that.

ThatFairy · 30/12/2025 19:24

After a bad childhood and then poverty as a young adult I still feel really privileged having a shower, a warm house so it's not freezing when I get out, a tumble drier so I can easily wash clothes and enough clean clothes to change into every day. I pity someone being so unclean but also is it not really disregarding of other people ?

Roobarbtwo · 30/12/2025 19:34

ChimpanzeeThatMonkeyNews · 30/12/2025 19:15

Only because she was too polite to say anything before that.

You're right but she didn't address it as soon as the gf moved in

Roobarbtwo · 30/12/2025 19:36

ThatFairy · 30/12/2025 19:24

After a bad childhood and then poverty as a young adult I still feel really privileged having a shower, a warm house so it's not freezing when I get out, a tumble drier so I can easily wash clothes and enough clean clothes to change into every day. I pity someone being so unclean but also is it not really disregarding of other people ?

Yes it is but there's lots of reasons why some people stink. I used to work with young homeless people and some of them, their hygiene was terrible. As was their mental health. Some people didn't come from supportive backgrounds. They didn't wash. They didn't know how to cook. Some came through the care system

Fellontheground · 30/12/2025 19:37

JediNinja · 30/12/2025 12:03

Maybe bring it up from the position of making rotas now she's settled and you all enter a new normal. So, as a poster said above, there's a rota for the washing machine. It might not need to be when they each put a washing but when each makes sure all their clothes from the week are now in the wash, so everyone brings all their used clothes down at least once or twice a week. Then another one for the shower, when you plan more or less who goes first. You probably have this already set with the rest of you, but you can bring it up as a way to make sure she knows when her daily turn is and when it's ok to be in the shower without worrying people are waiting to use it, for example. Ask her what her favourite shampoo and shower gel are. I'd start with that before raising the issue of body odour, so just talking about routines and daily habits in a household with 5 people, who will need to organise themselves a bit more.

After a few weeks, if things don't change, I'd bring up the need to make a good impression at interviews, and that it will include clean clothes and fresh smells that show attention to detail and care. If she doesn't look after herself and present herself neatly for an interview, how would anyone believe she would look after their business or their stuff? At best, she would be giving the impression of being careless, rushing things, or leaving things unfinished. At worst, most people would not want to work around someone whose BO is so intense that it's distracting and a real problem.

‘After a few weeks’? How much does the OP have to put up with? Honestly. I’m baffled at some of the replies here.

Holluschickie · 30/12/2025 19:42

My god, the endless excuses for being filthy. I am in India at the moment watching women walk miles to get one bucket of precious water, so their families can have a daily bath and go to work clean and neat. They could be forgiven for leaving their families filthy, but they don't.

Meanwhile, here with every advantage, young people are being cossetted into being lifelong victims lying around smelly all day.

Mammajaz · 30/12/2025 19:45

"Im so sorry to mention this, please,please don't feel embarrassed. I appreciate you haven't had the best role models in your life and I am the only one that has noticed this, and it really, really isn't your fault. Would it be ok if you showered daily? Properly scrubbing you armpits exceteta. I just want to help but you do have a scent about you. I hope that you can understand. I and.our family hold no grudges, a simple.shower each day and all will be a distant memory. No matter as you we love you whatever"

Roobarbtwo · 30/12/2025 19:46

Holluschickie · 30/12/2025 19:42

My god, the endless excuses for being filthy. I am in India at the moment watching women walk miles to get one bucket of precious water, so their families can have a daily bath and go to work clean and neat. They could be forgiven for leaving their families filthy, but they don't.

Meanwhile, here with every advantage, young people are being cossetted into being lifelong victims lying around smelly all day.

Or maybe some people suffer from clinical depression and can't get out of bed never mind wash, off you go with your judgment.

Fellontheground · 30/12/2025 19:46

GAJLY · 30/12/2025 17:32

Great update! Perhaps you just need to run her a lovely bubble bath a few times a week. Glad it all worked out.

More work for the OP. I despair.

Roobarbtwo · 30/12/2025 19:47

Mammajaz · 30/12/2025 19:45

"Im so sorry to mention this, please,please don't feel embarrassed. I appreciate you haven't had the best role models in your life and I am the only one that has noticed this, and it really, really isn't your fault. Would it be ok if you showered daily? Properly scrubbing you armpits exceteta. I just want to help but you do have a scent about you. I hope that you can understand. I and.our family hold no grudges, a simple.shower each day and all will be a distant memory. No matter as you we love you whatever"

Seriously - give over

Holluschickie · 30/12/2025 19:50

Roobarbtwo · 30/12/2025 19:46

Or maybe some people suffer from clinical depression and can't get out of bed never mind wash, off you go with your judgment.

Show quote history

It's alarming that some 1m young people are now NEETS, no? I can't be the only one worried by that.

Roobarbtwo · 30/12/2025 19:50

Holluschickie · 30/12/2025 19:50

It's alarming that some 1m young people are now NEETS, no? I can't be the only one worried by that.

Edited
Show quote history

What's that got to do with India and washing in a bucket? Nothing!

Bluedenimdoglover · 30/12/2025 19:51

If they are living in your home they need to follow your way of living. I'd sit down with her and explain that her clothes are not as clean and fresh as they should be and that she probably doesn't notice the smell because she is used to it. Offer to help her with washing and ironing all her clothes and explain that you expect her to shower daily or at least every other day.
I wonder whether she has lost her sense of smell. I say this as someone who lost their sense of smell. 6 years ago and it's only occasionally it returns for a few days before it goes again

SolOlly · 30/12/2025 19:56

HappyOctober · 29/12/2025 18:37

This is so lovely to hear! This is the answer. I was feeling really sorry for her. I think the best thing you can do is be as gentle as humanly possible and set in place things like @averychocmentioned above.

I think it is critical that you never make her feel even remotely embarrassed about this as it sounds like it comes from a tough situation which is nothing to do with her being at fault. I admire your son for not making a big deal of this and seeing the person beyond the situation. Good luck. I hope it can be gently resolved, as of course I fully understand it must be really difficult to live with.

Show quote history

This

Hibernatingsloth · 30/12/2025 19:56

I don't think it's helping that she isn't working, doesn't seem to go out and stays in bed till after 10am.
She sounds completely unmotivated, which probably isn't helping with her hygiene.

Holluschickie · 30/12/2025 19:57

Running a bubble bath for a 23- year- old while she lies in bed, buying her care packages, doing her laundry, I absolutely despair of MN sometimes.
For a site ostensibly for women, posters just love to suggest yet more work for women to do.

Bet OPs husband wouldnt be running around sourcing pants and running baths for a smelly teen boy if the situation was reversed.

3littlebirds86 · 30/12/2025 19:59

guineaguineaguineapig · 30/12/2025 17:41

I never knew they did that. I think I’d better ask them to remove the thread. It’s a shame though as it has been really helpful. 🙁

Show quote history

She wouldn’t be able to randomly see it on FB OP. Only if she follows Mumsnet on Facebook which to be honest sounds highly unlikely!

Fellontheground · 30/12/2025 20:03

Holluschickie · 30/12/2025 19:57

Running a bubble bath for a 23- year- old while she lies in bed, buying her care packages, doing her laundry, I absolutely despair of MN sometimes.
For a site ostensibly for women, posters just love to suggest yet more work for women to do.

Bet OPs husband wouldnt be running around sourcing pants and running baths for a smelly teen boy if the situation was reversed.

Yes, a million times over. Some utter nonsense on this post. I’d be telling her to get in the shower pronto and then find herself a job. Not only does she reek but she’s also bone idle. You’re being taken for a mug here OP.

Roobarbtwo · 30/12/2025 20:05

Fellontheground · 30/12/2025 20:03

Yes, a million times over. Some utter nonsense on this post. I’d be telling her to get in the shower pronto and then find herself a job. Not only does she reek but she’s also bone idle. You’re being taken for a mug here OP.

Show quote history

The son is also lying in the stinky bed until after 10. Yes she is but there must be more to why she took the gf in. Sounds like she was neglected by her parents

Moaning5 · 30/12/2025 20:08

I could not live with this.
My DD has a friend who is the same. I have to have the windows down in the car.
I wash the bed stuff as soon as she leaves.
We use to take her on holiday but I literally felt sick the whole time. I’m mortified for the others in the hotel who sit near us at breakfast 🙈

I’ve done all the nice, polite things suggested on here. She didn’t care and actually cared less as she got older.
I became quite blunt in the end. She still didn’t care, hence we no longer invite her.
She’s the loveliest girl too ☹️

Tryingtohelp12 · 30/12/2025 20:08

I once had to have the conversation with a person I line managed. It definitely is awkward but if it was the other way around wouldn’t you rather know even if it’s a little embarrassing? I think I said something like look it’s awkward, but I’d want to know and it’s not easy to be aware of it on yourself, towards the end of the day you have quite strong body odor.’ No need to instruct on how to resolve, it’s fairly obvious how to fix it. He actually thanked me as had no idea!!!

CanNotBeArsedAtAll · 30/12/2025 20:09

Out of curiosity... Why do two adults have bunk beds?

DecafSoyaLatteExtraShotPlease · 30/12/2025 20:13

SpoonBaloon · 30/12/2025 17:54

I am genuinely amazed that there is such sympathy being directed at this woman.

Poor personal hygiene is one of my biggest bugbears and I accept that our bodies make smells and noises which can’t always be avoided, and that now and again our T shirts and socks may end up a bit whiffy after a busy day.

But there is no excuse for an adult to be going around unwashed and with BO. None at all.

This woman needs to get a job, too. There’s no excuse for a physically able 23 year old to not be working or in education. How much UC or housing allowance does she receive?

Maybe not an excuse, but legitimate reasons already outlined by OP - ND, trauma, poor upbringing....

@guineaguineaguineapig I would probably position it as "ive noticed you don't bath/shower/do laundry very often, is there anything I can do to help with that?" And if necessary throw in some suggestions - would unscented laundry products/a designated bathroom slot/whatever help. It might help get to the bottom of the avoidance ie is it an issue with transitions, or building routines, or sensory or just plain not having been taught this stuff is important

You sound fantastic btw 😊

Swipe left for the next trending thread