To be upset my friend asked me for 5K?

[OhMyLantern]

I’ve recently been through hell. I was bullied really badly by my manager, regarding my disability and it was well documented. I ended up having to leave my job and my mental health really suffered. I had no job to go to so ended up borrowing £5000 from my own mum and dad to cover my bills while I searched for a new job. Me and my employer recently settled outside of tribunal and I got £18,000. Again, it’s a nice amount but given I nearly lost my life through suicide and the stress it’s put me under it doesn’t feel like a win at all. I’m only just now rebuilding my confidence again.

I’ve paid back my parents, and luckily start a new job next month but will have to cover my bills until then. My best friend has however asked me for £5000 to help with her debts as they’re getting her down and she says she’s struggling to cope and feels suicidal . These are self inflicted debts by the way, think new nails, new car, holidays. She also lives with her dad and only pays for their food shopping and no bills, and earns around 2K a month so I don’t know how she’s racked up so much and even then, can’t pay it.

I'm also feeling bitter because when I was struggling for money and really on my bones, my friend didn’t even offer me a food shop or anything else. Hated listening about what was happening at work and brushed it off. Never offered any advice and always turned the conversation to herself.

I know I need to say no, that I don’t want to bail her out- but I don’t know how. I feel like I’m being unreasonable even though I’m not and I know I’d never see that money again. She hasn’t always been a bad friend as such, she does drive long hours to come see me and has done lots of little house jobs for me before.

You absolutely know that this isn't the right thing for you to be doing now - I suspect your 'friend' knows it too.

She doesn't want your money to pay off her debts, she wants it to spend. Why should you give her nearly a third of your payout (and don't forget why you got it) for her to have her nails done?

She knows you've got money, she's got £ signs in her eyes and your money is burning a hole in her pocket. Tell her to ask her dad. From you, the answer is no - however you choose to phrase it and with NO guilt.

Just tell her that you've had to pay your mum back so there is no money left.

Don't lend her money. Tell her you've got major bills to pay off you need private care and the rest is put where you can't get to it without incurring big penalties. The answer is no. If she threatens suicide, call the police because it's either a psychiatric emergency needing immediate care or manipulation, which she can explain to the police.

She is NOT your best friend. She isn't a friend at all. She's a user. She didn't help you out at all when you were at your lowest. She could get a personal loan from a bank. If she can't, it's because she's a risk for not paying that money back. She 's hitting you up at a bad time and you will never see that money again.

When there are pages of the same response I rarely add mine (if I agree) - but OP I am outraged in your behalf that this so called friend has put you on this position.
I am absolutely going to repeat what others have said, say no. You will NEVER see that money again!.

Just tell her that you don’t have that kind of money to hand, that it’s tied up and can’t be withdrawn. Or just say no. You don’t owe her an explanation for her cheeky request. But whatever you do choose to tell her, please let it start with No.

Can you tell her you’ve invested it in an ISA you can’t touch fir a couple of years or given it to your mum to look after?

This alone should give you the strength to say no.

You may well lose this (pointless) friendship, but life will always bring you new and better friends.

What life wont do is repay your loan from someone who cant pay off what they owe now - she'll have NO way of paying you back.

Say no, block and ignore is the best strategy. And do NOT apologise to her!

You could say: I cannot lend you any money. I incurred debts during the very difficult time I have been having, and I need to get my own finances straight and put aside some savings before lending anyone else money. I suggest that rather than increasing your debts by borrowing more, you get advice from Stepchange about how to improve your situation.'
She may never speak to you again, but hey.

OP, PLEASE come back on here and say you've said no to her. I've been in your position; I lent a similar amount of money to a "friend" against all the advice of other mutual friends (who had all been asked and had all refused) - I felt genuinely sorry for her and I'm the world's worst boundary-setter.

Well, guess what - they were right, I was wrong, and I'm still owed the money, which could have been much better spent, and I feel really stupid. Don't be me, OP.

A true friend would never have put you in this position. You've been through an awful time - you need rest and to heal, mentally. Don't let this ridiculous request take up any more of your emotional energy - it's not fair on you. Say "no" and then focus on you and your recovery.

By the way, have you told your parents about this? I bet they'd have a pretty strong view on what you should do!

She lives with her dad and she’s in debt!!
I’d be telling her to jog on!!

I know you’re a nice person but you need to ask how she’s in so much debt if she only pays half of the bills.

Just say “sorry I can’t lend you any money”. And leave it at that. Don’t worry about coming across too harsh.
Do it through text if it’s easier.

Do it now if you would like and then we can help come up with a response if she replies.

Tell her yiu can't, money is now tied up in a 12 month saver account

I think you're actually sad because you've realised she isn't your friend and friends would never do that to someone......please don't give her the money just to clear the conflicted emotions she's created in you...

Say "ooh this is awkward becasue actually I am in a bit of a pickle and was going to ask you if you could lend give me a grand"

I wouldn’t even say you’ve lent it to someone or put it in an ISA etc as that may mean she keeps asking.

You need to just be a bit blunt and say no sorry you can’t lend her any money.

As a PP said, you do risk losing a friend but a true friend would not ask this of you and would not fall out with you over it.

“I don’t have any spare money so there isn’t any I can lend.” That’s all you need to say. This is CFery of the highest order. £5k and she’s living at home, having her nails done, getting a car and going on holiday?!

I absolutely hate the suicide threats too. Her irresponsibility is on her and het alone: if she feels shit waking up to the bills for things she can’t afford then she should cut back on the luxuries. It’s disgustingly low of her to try to put pressure on you to lend money to bail her out or say she might she’ll kill herself. If it’s that bad, she can go to citizens advice and look at bankruptcy. She certainly wasn’t distraught about money while she was looking at hotels and having her nails buffed!

Just say no and block. Tbh she's no real friend, a real friend wouldn't ask this at all. Your probably better off without this so called friendship

Never a borrower nor a lender be.
It will be the fastest way to end your friendship...if that's what you call it.
Only give it if you're prepared to never see it again

I hope this thread has given you the confidence to say no to her.

Things will get better for you.

I think you know the answer to this

If you can find a little bit of anger that might help

She isn't seeing you, she is seeing some 'free money' you got that she feels she needs

Say no. Lose the friend. Look after yourself

Best of luck with your new job

I’m guessing she knows you’ve just had a pay out and so thinks you have money. She doesn’t need your money, just needs to budget more effectively.

Stay strong and say no. Point her in the direction of a bank loan to pay it off.

And if she mentions suicide etc point her in the direction of her gp or The Samaritans .

If you find it difficult to say the words, send her a message - text, WhatsApp, email, - just saying, 'sorry, I can't help you'. And leave it there, you have no need to say anything more than No. Good luck.

The answer is no. No guilt. If you start to feel bad, read over what you wrote here.

She should be the one to feel guilty for even asking you given all you've described.

If sh tried to push the topic, then it should only reinforce your decision. It's a hard no. You need that money. You earned that money. You are not in a position to "loan" even a fraction.

Going forward, I wouldn't discuss finances with her. She clearly saw your 18k as a windfall.

Just in case you don’t already have enough people saying no - NO!
This person is not a friend.

well you should never have discussed the finer details of your payout with her, but all you can do now is say 'sorry but I owe most of it back to my mum and dad and I have to cover bills of my own that were racked up while I've been out of work so it's all accounted for.'