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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be upset my friend asked me for 5K?

365 replies

OhMyLantern · 29/12/2025 15:44

I’ve recently been through hell. I was bullied really badly by my manager, regarding my disability and it was well documented. I ended up having to leave my job and my mental health really suffered. I had no job to go to so ended up borrowing £5000 from my own mum and dad to cover my bills while I searched for a new job. Me and my employer recently settled outside of tribunal and I got £18,000. Again, it’s a nice amount but given I nearly lost my life through suicide and the stress it’s put me under it doesn’t feel like a win at all. I’m only just now rebuilding my confidence again.

I’ve paid back my parents, and luckily start a new job next month but will have to cover my bills until then. My best friend has however asked me for £5000 to help with her debts as they’re getting her down and she says she’s struggling to cope and feels suicidal . These are self inflicted debts by the way, think new nails, new car, holidays. She also lives with her dad and only pays for their food shopping and no bills, and earns around 2K a month so I don’t know how she’s racked up so much and even then, can’t pay it.

I'm also feeling bitter because when I was struggling for money and really on my bones, my friend didn’t even offer me a food shop or anything else. Hated listening about what was happening at work and brushed it off. Never offered any advice and always turned the conversation to herself.

I know I need to say no, that I don’t want to bail her out- but I don’t know how. I feel like I’m being unreasonable even though I’m not and I know I’d never see that money again. She hasn’t always been a bad friend as such, she does drive long hours to come see me and has done lots of little house jobs for me before.

OP posts:
Ellie1015 · 29/12/2025 16:07

"No, I can't afford that. I have my own debts and expenses until first payday at new job. You should look at money saving expert for advice on paying/consolidating debt. Good luck with it"

SumUp · 29/12/2025 16:09

Don’t lie to her. No need to be cruel.

Say something like,

”Hey friend, I am sorry to hear that you are struggling. Lending you money is not an option, but here are some links / phone numbers for mental health and debt management support.”

And distance yourself if you need to. Confide in your parents for accountability and more real life support. She is not your responsibility.

bridgetreilly · 29/12/2025 16:10

Say no. Suggest she looks at debt counselling such as CAP.

Middlemarch123 · 29/12/2025 16:10

Don’t make excuses, just say no, I’m not able to help, I’m still getting myself straight. And repeat as necessary.
And fade her out, you need radiators in your life OP, not drains.

Skybluepinky · 29/12/2025 16:11

Kick her to the kerb, you deserve better friends not users.

HipHopDontYouStop · 29/12/2025 16:11

Don’t ever tell people if you come into money.

That way you can avoid scenarios like this.

That way you can discreetly help those you want to or can help.

coconutchocolatecream · 29/12/2025 16:12

She's not really a friend to put you in this awkward spot. I'd be phasing her out if she reacts negatively at all to your refusal—and honestly, maybe even if she doesn't. I can't be dealing with people who ask ridiculous things of me.

AlwaysTheRenegade · 29/12/2025 16:13

Sorry, I can't, it's all gone on my own debts.

Do you think she is suicidal over these debts? Or could she be guilt tripping you as you've been through that? Sounds pretty manipulative.

I hope you have a really good new year, sounds like you've been through a lot.

Laundryblue · 29/12/2025 16:13

When did 'lend' become 'give me'?

TwistedWonder · 29/12/2025 16:14

Wrenjay · 29/12/2025 16:05

Just say NO: Do not elaborate, just say NO.

Agree. No elaboration definitely no made up excuses just say no.

Chiefangel · 29/12/2025 16:15

You shouldn’t have told her you’d got the 18,000.
I never discuss financial matters with my friends or family.
Don’t lend her the money, you will never see it again. If she’s a true friend she will accept that you tell her no and that is the end of it. You have been through enough stress.

JustMyView13 · 29/12/2025 16:15

Only lend what you’re prepared to lose. MN is full of friendships destroyed by this sort of thing, whereby the person never sees their money again.
Don’t explain yourself - just simply - No, I’m not able to lend you money. However, I can recommend reaching out to Citizens Advice if you need support, they can put you in touch with debt advisors who can help with debt consolidation etc.

Beezz · 29/12/2025 16:16

Why does she think you have a spare £5k? Did you tell her how much you got as a settlement from work?

Isayitasitis · 29/12/2025 16:16

Absolutely do not lend her it.

Money brings out the worst in the people and you will never see it again.

Tell her you have it tied up in accounts you can't get it out of, like investments if you feel you want to save face.

But personally I'd just tell her, I'm sorry that doesn't work for me.

When the chips were down, where was she? Sod that.

Original poster
OhMyLantern · 29/12/2025 16:16

She’s never even said lend. There’s no indication that it’ll ever be paid back. I just feel so sad she’s even asked and put me in this position and because I’m lacking confidence at the moment I’m struggling to install boundaries that I normally would.

OP posts:
Isayitasitis · 29/12/2025 16:16

JustMyView13 · 29/12/2025 16:15

Only lend what you’re prepared to lose. MN is full of friendships destroyed by this sort of thing, whereby the person never sees their money again.
Don’t explain yourself - just simply - No, I’m not able to lend you money. However, I can recommend reaching out to Citizens Advice if you need support, they can put you in touch with debt advisors who can help with debt consolidation etc.

This

Vaxtable · 29/12/2025 16:16

Say no, it’s in an account you can’t access, however how about reducing it each month by the amount you are going to repay me?

cos the bet would be she isn’t going to repay you

if she mentions suicide signpost her to l9cal organisations who can help with that

ThisJadeBear · 29/12/2025 16:17

The request for the money is CF.
The added suicidal threat is so manipulative that would be what I couldn’t get past.
If she is living with few expenses, tell her to do what you had to - ask a parent.
Just because a friend who is more able bodied visits you and has done a few off jobs it doesn’t mean they get to treat you like this.
When something similar happened to me I told the person I’d stashed the remains into my pension and even I couldn’t get at it.
And then I learned never to discuss money with anyone.

Redwinedaze · 29/12/2025 16:17

Say you’ve put it in a long term ISA and can’t touch it for a year. I’d just say no but that gives you an excuse.

Isayitasitis · 29/12/2025 16:17

OhMyLantern · 29/12/2025 16:16

She’s never even said lend. There’s no indication that it’ll ever be paid back. I just feel so sad she’s even asked and put me in this position and because I’m lacking confidence at the moment I’m struggling to install boundaries that I normally would.

You owe it to yourself to put this boundary in.

If she pushes and argues against that boundary, it shows she was never your friend in the first place.

First step to stop being a people pleaser, is to say no. Good people respect boundaries. Users do not.

ThisJadeBear · 29/12/2025 16:17

Redwinedaze · 29/12/2025 16:17

Say you’ve put it in a long term ISA and can’t touch it for a year. I’d just say no but that gives you an excuse.

I’d go for a five year one!

MrsMoastyToasty · 29/12/2025 16:19

Respond with "if you book an appointment with a debt advisor at CAB, then I'll hold your hand for moral support. I don't have any money to lend, as I racked up debts when I was unemployed ".

DancyNancy · 29/12/2025 16:19

"I'm sorry, I don't have money spare to loan you. Have you tried contacting MABS etc to help you with your debt management?"

If she presses "No, I am not in a position to lend you money. That's the final answer"

If you lose your friendship then so be it

Gerbiril · 29/12/2025 16:21

No. no. no. Please do not give her any money. You will never see it again.

If she was a decent friend she wouldn't be asking you for this amount of money.

If you can't face saying no, just make something up. Sorry, I have none spare I've invested it.

xmasdip2025 · 29/12/2025 16:21

There's a lot in your original post OP which suggests this isn't really about the money (although it is a huge ask of her) and it's more about how she has shown up for you in hard times, and maybe how you feel she doesn't 'see' the reality of the pain you've been through. If the money is a bit of a salve to your recent struggle, her asking for it perhaps feels like she doesn't get what you went through to be 'entitled' to it?

Either way, she's not wrong to ask for it and you are not wrong to say no.

I definitely would never pay off a friend's debt, mainly because money always changes a friendship dynamic and as other posters have noted, it's not your responsibility to bail her out of this.

My advice would be to stop over thinking your response, a kind 'sorry X but I need my compensation for other things. Hope you get something sorted soon' and move on, and as a separate course of action, take some time for yourself to think about what you want to use the money for to help build yourself back up. Maybe some counselling? A new hobby? A great holiday? A weekly massage for the next few months?

If you need more help with the wording you could post here and we can help?

Really sorry you've been through this - I know how awful workplace bullying can be. It's taken me about 2 years or so to get back on my feet since it happened to me and to feel normal again, but you will get there.